Progress for Juno aka Pennyplant

[Juno]

Thank you cats paw.  I am so relieved that I have a therapist who is a good fit.  I was very worried about that.  My history along those lines is real spotty.  Usually something goes wrong pretty quickly and I break it off right away.  One time I had someone very, very good.  She was a nun who was a social worker for Catholic Charities.  At the worst possible time, the diocese reassigned her.  Her replacement was young and just out of school.  Definitely not enough experience to deal with ME!!!  I think I only saw her once.  It sure isn't easy.

[Juno]

Can you imagine the confusion and despair he must have felt all of his life--knowing that something was wrong, but he didnt know what it was? 

It was very, very rare for him to actually express what he was thinking or feeling, but I do know that he wanted to spare my sister and me from going through what he did or from turning out like him.  So, he obviously didn't think he "turned out well".

He tried to solve all problems with logic and scientific means--typical for Aspergers from what I've read.  I believe he must have thought all his life that he just wasn't figuring it out right or trying hard enough.  So, it was his fault.  When he found out it was actually just the way his brain is wired--I think that helped him to let himself off the hook.  Maybe he could like himself a little better or forgive himself because he really couldn't help it.

I think he knew all his life that he wasn't like other people.  It was painful for him.  But he truly enjoyed his hobbies and coming up with ideas and working on things.  I'm not so sure "connecting" was a consuming priority for him.

If I understand it right, Aspergers is neurological.  I don't think it is in the same category as personality disorders.  It is definitely not an easy thing since they have so much trouble getting along.  My father kind of hid it.  He seemed to know what would annoy people and he didn't do those things.  Had no desire to antagonize people.  So, he came off as very quiet and reserved.  He didn't bother to join things.  He didn't chit chat.  He liked being helpful and making a positive difference.

Maybe this is more on the positive side than it should be.  I guess I have resolved some of what it has meant to be my father's daughter.  The rest I will have to work on with the therapist.  I don't hold it against him, I guess is what I'm getting at.

With Ns, I think their knowlege of themselves is buried so deeply that all it can do is out itself in all their negativity and projections.  And that works so well for them, why bother to explore and change?

[gratitude28]

Juno,
I am having issues with my THYROID medication and insurance now... hello? Life and death??????

I think it shows a lot about your dad that he took the test. He knew he was different in some way. He was willing to look at himself critically. That, to me, means he was an honest man. I value honesty above all. Maybe he left the quiz for you to find. Maybe he wanted to make sure you knew when you were able to digest it.

You are sounding really good

Love, Beth

[Juno]

Beth, I'm feeling pretty good!  Of course, I'm on vacation this week which is always better than work--but this is the best vacation I've had in quite some time--and we didn't really do anything special.  Just things we wanted to do around the house and near to home.  I feel pretty relaxed for the first time in forever.

So, you've been on thyroid medication for a long time--why are they balking at covering it NOW????  These companies are far too powerful and far too greedy--just my opinion.  But these are people's lives we're talking about here.  I just don't understand it.  A friend of mine used to work for Aetna.  Her job at one point was to decide which prosthetic devices they would cover or not.  Fake limbs and such.  She had, and has, absolutely no medical training, schooling or experience.  She is an accountant.  That's just upside down.

It's funny about that test.  I've had that book on my shelves since my father died.  All this time I ignored that test at the back of the book.  Obviously he had taken it because of all the circles.  But it never occurred to me until the other day to compare his scores to the explanations.  He also highlighted extensively one other section of the book.  I guess that is the next thing for me to check out.

I did buy and read two other books about the subject a year ago or so.  One was written by the mother of a family with two autistic sons and one normal son.  The other was written by a teenage boy who has Aspergers.  This is clearly a genetic thing.  You don't have a family where one person is Autistic or has Aspergers and every other family member and relative is 100% normal neurologically.  You can look around at nearly everybody in the family, including oneself, and see echoes of a mind set or certain problem areas socially or emotionally.

Last October we went to visit our son in NYC.  I was shocked to suddenly be able to see so many of my father's mannerisms come out in C.  Amazingly similar approach to life.  I can't really properly describe it.  It's not like I'm reading his mind or know what he thinks. Not at all.  Basically I have misunderstood this kid all his life.  Took things personally that had nothing to do with me at all.  I would not necessarily say he is also Aspergers.  But there is something there that he has in common with his grandfather.  And it explains so much about our relationship.  It actually gave me a direction to go in with him.  Still very much a work in progress.  But very hopeful.

Boy, when I'm back in business--I sure can go on....