hi James,
My experience does not include N-parenting.
Mine came from 'a farmer's background' which in those days appeared to be what people did if they had no other smarts.
My dad had Grade 8 and my mother Grade 10 education. They were simple living poor folk, and babies came out of somewhere and overwhelmed them, maybe, so they didn't parent.
They fed and clothed (often in rags from pictures I've seen) but didn't talk and teach. I expect we grew up will the visuals around us.
They did not share a bed, nor express love to each other (in my presence anyway) or to us. They did not play with us, nor instill beliefs, boundaries, love for one another. We lived on an isolated farm and knew but ourselves until we started school. I expect a pattern was set then of, speaking for me, having just existed
We were beaten, as well as dad beat the animals. It was a part of the life we knew. We went to Church but I never learned anything except not to make God mad.
There were no birthday parties, and only Xmas and New Years were celebrated with one to dad's side and the other to mom's side, of the family. Aunts Uncles, grandparents were grownups who did not contribute to us in any way.
We helped dad with the farm chores beginning about age 8 and through to age 16 or Grade 13, whichever came first. We were tied to the milking schedule morning and night, so up at 5:00 am and right home after school. Later we helped with the haying and harvesting, and Dad grumbled about his 5 lazy little bastards and what did he do to deserve us.
However, for their birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day and their Anniversary, we always pooled our money for gifts. (I don't know where that came from!)
We were given no instructions about living life and were on our own when leaving home.
Except for Dad's beatings, there was no other physicalshowing of abuse. To me the abuse was in withholding (although not likely intentionally) of love and the gift of knowledge. We were given dangerous chores to do and were left alone a lot.
At a young age we were instructed to carry a lit coal oil lamp through the dark and upstairs to light the bedrooms. This scared me very much so we must have been warned about the dangers of fire. (I would never have had my little girl make that scary trip alone, with the possible danger ahead.)
When the ceiling coal oil lamps flared up, we knew what to do to battle the flame. We had no telephone or electricity or running water. We had no privacy or a place or things of our own. We had to share and we fought and never loved. we stole from each other and there was no tattling to parents--it was amongst ourselves, usually fighting.
My feelings of abuse as I grew were of physical abuse. I would never have thought of all the emotional abuse (stunting) that transpired. School was good for us, I expect. It was WWII years when I was born to age 6.
Mom always grumbled about heading to the poor house and anything wrong we did, I recall, "Shame! Shame on you!"
Dad grumbled if he missed the 6:00 pm new on CFRB on the battery radio, One evening he was late coming in from chores, so we 3 eldest listened and memorized the news for him.
It is my understanding that N-parents use words and lies and put-downs and exhibit feelings of superiority and hatred. So I am seeing the abuse from a different angle of taking on the parental abuse and the resulting lack of love and support throughout life.
I never cried when they died, dad in '86, mom in '94
Izzy
Edit In:] Something I think worth mentioning in spite of the above is that all but one of us Graduated Grade 13.
My eldest sister went to nursing school and became an RN. Later Courses put her in a postion to be Administrator of prestigious Nursing Homes
My next eldest sister was the Grade 12 one and then went to Business School and took an Office job., then married and now cleans houses and walks dogs.
I took a Comptometer Course and took an Office Job. I am self taught on piano and the computer and build Websites still and Accounting from home.
My younger sister and brother went to Business College as well after grade 13. This sister received her Masters Degree when married, along with her husband. Both are now retired teachers.
My brother worked in an office for two years then joined the Provncial Police Force and became a well-recognized and honest cop (He would forego promotions because he did not want to get into the levels where there were 'bad cops')
None of us was stupid. I don't know about the others but I have been measured with an IQ of 135. but I have not put it to good use. I was disabled so early in life and still had a child to rasie, I thought little about my future, only hers. She graduated grade 13 with honours and now has a University degree, is a midwife and a licensed hypnotherapist.
Children of my silblings include a policeman, an EMT, a lawyer, a chiropracter, an orthopedic surgeon, a teacher and 2 left over from the second eldest sister who never finished high school.
I find all this very odd!
Iz
