After 4 mos. on the job, working 6 days a week by demand, I found this was perhaps the WORST job I'd ever had. The army on one side making demands, the company on the other pressuring me, the teachers on the third side, calling HR "like they had 'em on speed dial" with complaints about me, I had legit complaints against all of them for harrassment and bullying. Then my boss was suddenly down with a 6-way bypass and his boss came into the picture. He was better - logical, fair - and saw the tactics immediately and the failures of his subordinate with me and my position. I'd never been given a job description, no policies and procedures, the whole place was chaotic with me running from one group to the next, trying to make everyone happy. The new boss called it "a cat fight". He said I had been severely disadvantaged by not being given the info to do my job - that means his subordinate - bypasses or not - had set me up to fail. I began not sleeping, waking at 5 in the a.m. shaking at the thought of going to work, doubling my Cymbalta just to get through a day. The new boss wanted to keep me, but the army insisted on someone with a military background. Since this was a contract, the army was the customer and the new boss had to please them. So he replaced me with one of the trouble-making hotheads in the teaching ranks. He may make the army happy by kissing up, but the rest of the staff will be up sh** creek with him in charge. Now, the good news - I am so happy to be out of there. That place was a snakepit. My body was breaking down under the stress and for the past 3 days, I've done nothing but rest. I guess my body had to go down as I let down, as I've come down with a virus, but I can feel the stress beginning to let go.
This job was so hard to find - took 12 months - that I am due for an easy one. Maybe that's pie-in-the-sky kind of thinking, but life can't be this hard forever, right? "Cept for Hops - for whom I have great admiration for your strength and courage in the midst of your mud-slinging family, unable to accept anyone different from them because they're so scared of life. Yuk, Hops. Give it back to them in spades - stand your ground and you won't lose yourself. That's the attitude I'm taking.
When I was finally diagnosed with PTSD, I began to realize that my frustration was so easily triggered that sometimes it sabotages me. I couldn't heal, not under the kind of stress I experienced in that job. My therapist said I had so much trauma from my early life and the very people who caused the trauma continued to take pokes at me. Do you experience that, Hops? Anyone?
Now I am sleeping a bit better, tho' I expect it will be sometime before my sleep hours get fully stretched out to 8 hrs. At least I felt like doing a few things yesterday, despite this rhinovirus - made a crab casserole and the most delicious wasabi coleslaw ever. Haven't yet felt like tackling setting my new house in order - lingering in the back of my mind is the thought that I may lose this one, too.
