Odd visit with old ‘friends’ and daughter --

[Izzy_*now*]

The couple I’ve known for 47 years arrived in town , Saturday, to a time-share condo. She called yesterday and I suggested we go out for Chinese Food. (I didn’t want to cook….it cuts visiting time). My treat. They brought their 42 year old daughter who is a crack addict, off  it just for 2 weeks, and she smokes. I expected them at 5:30 and I would meet them downstairs and we would walk to the restaurant.

Surprise! What I hate….my buzzer rang at 4:00 and there they were early for a visit. This annoyed me also because I hadn’t aired out the apt. for her allergy to smoke, but all went okay. The daughter knocked the lamp and all the knick-knacks from the one end table--no problem. I just wanted to get a picture of her and my batteries were dead. We laughed!

The couple had settled in with 7 photo albums I had sitting out, while looking for a box to send to my Daughter. They really enjoyed them, then their Daughter and I got on the computer and were looking for her hotmail and I showed her a few more things so she and I were getting along and this was the big break because it is so difficult to talk with her parents I feel I always have to keep the conversation going, but with daughter present we all had a great time here, while going to restaurant, while eating and she and I went outside for a smoke together, while here and at the restaurant. They were quite surprised to see all the old pictures of them in the albums…even the very first one of their 2 daughters in matching dresses and just past toddler stage,

I chatted well with her about crack, no preaching…not my place…. her ex-boyfriend, her ex-marriage, not her kid though. (I had put my cell phone in my purse, expecting she could tell me what I have on it, and as usual forgot about it.)

We walked back as their car was here and hung around at the door and I remembered my cell phone, so the daughter says, “Hey you got a camera. Want me to take a picture?”  and she took 2 pictures.  She and I fiddled around with it and finally after more chatting all of us made plans to meet again on Saturday when they pass through on their way home….to be firmed up what we do.

Now what I find strange, yet not, is that I related to/could talk to the daughter better than them. They have been married since 1962 (46 years) and as they aged they have become more dull. He is a ‘reformed’ alcoholic, some 35 years I think and maybe that’s when their fun stopped.

Anyway, as well I was happy to be home alone again, and again today onward and “what I wonder if it is anxiety”  about Saturday is in the background, like “Will we have fun again?”

What did you get from this small tale? About me?

[sKePTiKal]

Sounds to me, like you're no fuddy-duddy, Iz. You're young at heart and like to play, so you related better to the daughter than your old friends. I picked up that perhaps they were wistfully remembering when they weren't so fuddy-duddy while looking at old pictures - and maybe they can't explain to themselves what happened.

It's strange, sometimes, seeing people you've known that long. It's as if you don't expect that time has really passed and everyone has done things that are no longer shared experiences. So you fall back on "old times" & stories - as if that's all you have in common - like it's not possible to go through lives on separate paths, but STILL connect with each other.

[Izzy_*now*]

AHA! PR

Very good point! Since he stopped drinking, and they ''found the Lord' which I don't believe, that is their different path.

An email of hers before coming began with:
I am not sure what life is all about and I am not sure what I am going to be when I grow up.  But I do know that I am looking forward to coming to _______________.

I think a born again Christian, truly, would know what life is about....so..... I wonder how they are really living. She is 2 days older than I and yes , I am no fuddy-duddy.

I did enjoy the daughter very much....-automatic sense of humour like me. The part about being a crack-head is not my business, but I know she causes grief to her parents......

another email:
K____ ended coming last night and stayed overnight - with her - she comes and goes and my expectations of her are very (whats the word) nil.  She eats whatever we have in the fridge, sleeps and talks on the phone.  I get so discouraged with her addictions.  But, I realize God loves her just as much as he loves you and me.  No favorites

K. was so friendly that she didn't appear to be this girl! Am I in denial...or is it just that I've learned, as I said "Not my place".

Thanks
Izzy

[Izzy_*now*]

I had another thought

K., the daughter, is 2 years younger than my daughter. Maybe she was good to practice on! In communivating as though we knew each other all our lives, and that I knew her faults, while the possibility she has known about my daughter and me.

The husband was drinking and beating the wife at the same time I was in the car crash. She wrote to me about it. I lnow about it. Would they like for me to forget?

.....and their 2 little girls would have been present and.....? The eldest smokes pot, so K told me last night, but I thought it had been worse! Maybe, maybe not. and K. comes and goes and ½ the time they don't know where she is. Her child(ren) must have suffered/be suffering too.

I had been counting on K. to help with the cell phone and my daughter would be the first I would ask if she were here.

Kind of a generational mix! and nice to meet someone new, in spite, as though we already knew one another through the parents.

Izzy

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

The last thing I want to be is provocative or abrupt, but where on earth did you get an idea like this?

I think a born again Christian, truly, would know what life is about....so..... I wonder how they are really living.

I'm counting on you to be candid with your old born again Christian friend, tt. 

With love,

tt

[gratitude28]

You know, Izzy, I just think that's the way it is sometimes. I have people in my life like that - people I like in some way, but just don't click with. You know, there are those people with whom conversation flows, and others where it is just plain stilted. I just think we all have different ways of processing our thoughts and this affects how we react to others. Some people focus on their own words (they aren't listening, just waiting to get the next sentence they feel is important out), others listen, some think before responding, some might be shy or set in their ways. It sounds to me that you did nothing odd - just it was a weird mix.
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

And I will add there are a lot of us who are reformed boozers who are more fun the way we are now
Love, Beth

[sKePTiKal]

Oh... well, then... that explains it, Iz. Chances are that abuse is still occurring, though maybe not on a physical level, anymore. And of course, they're both uncomfortable about it... even if it is a thing of the past: they know you know.

Some folks take refuge in "born again" to excuse their bad behavior, in the mistaken belief that their continued sinning will somehow not be checked off against them...

My ex #1 did this, to excuse continued pot smoking around my girls. "I'm born again - so it doesn't matter WHAT I do, I'm forgiven..." is the way that warped logic goes. He conveniently ignored & denied the "sin no more" part of the whole statement; only heard what he wanted to hear. And yes, he even changed churches multiple times, and went through the whole "born again" experience, multiple times...

[Izzy_*now*]

hi tt

Her email: I am not sure what life is all about and I am not sure what I am going to be when I grow up.  But I do know that I am looking forward to coming to _______________.

My thought: I think a born again Christian, truly, would know what life is about....so..... I wonder how they are really living.

Where on earth did I get my idea?

I, as you know, am not a bible-thumper nor am I an athiest!

I have gone by what I have seen with different people. I have a sister who is supposedly born-again and can spout the bible backwards and forwards and is always spouting something. Cannot have a conversation with her but what that is the sum total of what she has said and "never really addressed" the human issue. She is a bully and control freak, so I call her the N sister.

This couple , so she said, are born-again, and she speaks only of attending church, making taking some religious study class, going to a retreat .................................and she still has not idea what her life is about? I would expect maybe in the midst of what appears to be depression and so much traveling they do (geographical cure for boredom?) there would be a mention about  how good God has been to them/her and she is assured of her place at His right hand when this mess of live on earth is over for her.

No she doesn't 'preach' enough for a BAC. I also, for some reason, sense that 'she wears the pants' now.  And most BACs usually say 'Praise The Lord' no matter what was said to be praised! Me on my crutches, "Dang this is icy!" H of N sister, "Praise The Lord!" (the weirdest one of all time!)

Now maybe a lot of us don't know which way our life is headed but all the Baptist BACs, that I knew some 30 years ago, acted as though they knew all about their life.

That's where my statements come from--to the best of my remembrance, tt

Love
Izzy

Makes no sense? Ask again!

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks Beth

They double dated with us in 1961 & until they married in '62 We attended the wedding. All was well and good, then they moved out West-----so far away, but she and I wrote all the timel

I don't know when the abuse startd but she never said anything until '69. I think she is the one who is ashamed and then didn't know how to talk to me.

Most of her emails don't answer mine, but are about her and are written in a bored way. I respond to her, then add about myself--still she responds on an unhappy note .

She was fired up though at the thought of being here a week to be able to see me. I remember an occasion when I was there. I think she said she didn't love him anymore---MAYBE!!!! But she did say "He can do whatever he wants to do and I don't care!"

I relate to them 'separately' now, not as a couple (in my mind.)

i think?

xx
Izzy

[Izzy_*now*]

hi PR

If you read my other new replies you will see that I agree that they hide behind 'born-again'.

When I'm there I don't take a drink as they don't have it, but when they are here I do. I don't feel guilty or superior about it either. I'm "when in Rome....sort of!"

At dinner on Monday, I ordered white wine and K. wanted one too. She asked her mother's permission and Mom said that she was an adult and could make her own decisions. K. ordered white wine, too.

Since I think mom wears the pants, maybe she could be reminding dad of why their life is boring---because he ruined it for them? I don't know.

Maybe blames his actions on why the girls grew up to drink and go on dope?

and you are right "They know I know!"


xx
Ixxy

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi tt,
For one thing.......
Had I not dressed and gone for prescriptions and some groceries, I might not have been dressed at 4:00--just starting. If I am going out in the evening I don't dress for it at noon. All was well tho' but I had to use the bathroom before we left and sent them all out to the balcony as I cannot close my door----and now that I cannot stand, I have to go back to my bedroom  to the bed to pull myself together .

This is not a problem for me. It is now my life but if EVER anyone makes a crude remark. that person is going to be in for it!. These folk were fine!

I really did see good in K. Really! She was so pleasant, humourous, helpful, had fun seeing her 'baby pictures' in my albums. Actually, mom and dad came to my Daughter's wedding in 1984, and there was a foster son and a girl. I think it was K.( I'll find out on Saturday.) They slept over in my new apt, just after I sold my house.

Oh yes! All my 'people' who have become newly religious have always scared the sh*t out of me. They are so sure of life and their outcome and it always felt like criticism to me. I wanted nothing to do with it!

A structured thoughtful life! Hmmmmmmmmmm! What a nice thing to say, tt, as that is very likely true! I never thought of my life is such simple but wonderful terms! Thank you!

I felt a note about that evening would bring some responses that I might not expect. I was hoping I was not to 'reject' K for her lifestyle and no one has implied that, so GOOD! Even though her parents hurt terribly for /about her.

Thank tt,
Love
Izzy

[changing]

My Dear Izzy-

I laughed so much at your descriptions- I also hate anyone showing up early. Then knocking over your items, etc...

I love your kindness and goodwill and understanding of human frailities and differences.

Love You,

C.

[Izzy_*now*]

hiya changing glad you liked and had a good chuckle.
Hiya all

My friends left today.

They came into town and I took them to a Greek restaurant for lunch...only about $120 for Monday dinner and today and a FAR, FAR better thing I do for myself than to shop for ALL the fixings and cook, cook, cook, and have ALL the leftovers for a week ......and less visiting time.
The waitress took a picture of the four of us and 'mom and dad' were far more comfortable this time, I am happy to say. They had a good time otherwise, and after lunch we went to a costume shop (I'm downtown so these things are handy) We laughed and laughed at some of the getups each of us was putting on.

Then we went to an "On Consignment' store that mom had noticed Monday night and she found a great jacket. I found a pair of black slacks and too many to deal with dresses that I could get instead of slacks, as I mentioned before.

I was in the Bargain Shop buying lozenges, and mom over in the Drug Store waiting for me, as I said I would get them there.

We just had a block to go and their car was there and away they went....and No! I didn't cry!

I have no problem now.  I am now just wondering if they wondered how I would take to K. being with them, eh? Foist a sober crack addict on me? No problem,

.....and K. has a guy friend in this city and asked it she could lay over if she came and ran into trouble with him. I said sure, then explained all the things she would have to put up with and she said it was all right.

Well! Hallelujah! 12:00-4:30pm  Long lunch!

Love
Izzy

[Overcomer]

One thing is for sure, you are a funny one Iz........

The born again stuff?  I have been in the midst of it my whole life.  A believer, yes.  But I just do not know what to think about all these pretentious, self righteous folks.  Real, authentic christians are good to me!!  Dr. McBride says in her new book that we daughters of Ns are really looking for authentic people so I guess that just crosses over into my need for authentic christians as well.  Less judgemental - more real!