got a letter

[Hopalong]

Dear, good friends.

I am very moved by your support and want to at least tell you the difference it's made.

I have been sliding into paralysis again. One sick response I've had to my brother's and uncle's attacks has been to go limp, begin a slide toward depression. Bills are due, I have things I must take care of. Mom's and my own. Yet I still crawled from home to work with hardly any energy beyond what it took to get through the day and crawl onto my bed afterward. I played one weekend and stayed in bed all the next.

Energy was part of the issue (been neglecting my nutrition and not exercising). But depression is the rest.

Last night, for the first time in a while, I took a good walk with a friend (and old pooch) and even though I woke up too early this morning, I STAYED up. I had read every one of your messages before bed and first thing this morning, I read them again.

The shame and sadness eased enough for me to get up and get about things. Absurd what a struggle it is.

I have to use the next 2 hours to get it done so can't linger. But thank you, thank you.

I will update you soon, and meanwhile, I can't express how much I appreciate your caring and your fighting words.
Much love and support back to you, each of you, for your own chapters you're going through.

It's just a chapter, ain't the book.

Hugs and thanks from a very grateful

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Despite what a struggle it is, Hops, I'm thinking you ought NOT to live up to the expectation of paralysis and depression.

This is exactly what the uncle & brother want. And you are not responsible for fulfilling their expectations. Imagine how puzzled they'd be, if you simply shrugged it off - if it didn't hurt, if it didn't matter to you. If it didn't even rate any significance in your life.

[Gaining Strength]

I agree with PR.  But I find it very, very difficult to do.

I have spent the past 2 years reading and discovering all kinds of ways to develop the kinds of thoughts to turn my own mind around and learn to reject such horrendous cruelty.

How do we NOT react.  Years ago a psychologist/rabbi who was a Bowenian "family system" guy counseled me to learn to be a "non-reactive" presence in the midst of anxiety.  Great concept but difficult to do.  It has taken so much more than those simple but precise words. 

My favorite technique is one I have written about for the 2 long years I have been here:
1) call the attack - A Lie
2) reject the lie
3) identify the truth
4) believe the truth and repeat it over and over again until it takes root over the lie.

As you find yourself reacting in depression or anxiety or what ever, recognize that those feelings are in response to a lie and keep talking to your reaction.  "I am depressed because I have bought their lie.  I reject it.  I reject this depression. ......."  It sounds ridiculous and it is not instantaneous but it does work.  I'm living to tell it.

[lighter]

Sometimes you need down time to mourn the hurtful things your brother and uncle are doing to you, Hops.

Don't beat yourself up for becoming paralyzed....

 but recover and find energy to do what needs doing.

However imperfectly..... you'll get through this.

((((Hops))))  I bet getting up and getting things done felt very good.

One nice feeling leads to another.


Lighter



 

[Hopalong]

Huuuuuge thanks, everyone. I am feeling better.
I apologize for not thanking each of you individually for your warmth and insight and caring.

Thought you might be cheered to know that I gave this article to my lawyer because it NAILS exactly what's been happening.
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse11.html

He was very receptive and got it. ("I see we're dealing with a really nasty character.")

I also gave him one about how to challenge a narcissist. He did that immediately in response to an email from my brother...challenged him in a slightly snide way ("It's a simple questions, Mr. X...") and immediately got a flashed-back NO! from my brother. Which the lawyer forwarded to me, with exclamation points.

Sounds like no big deal, but it was great to me, because it showed me my lawyer is sharp, had paid attention to the N material sent him. So I do feel he'll advocate well if we wind up in court.

Hopefully, my brother will give up before the hearing, but if he doesn't, no matter the ultimate outcome, I believe his grandiosity and cruelty will be well exposed. So either way, I'll be okay.

Even if I should lose I will be okay. Dawned on me that is simply a decision.

Love you all,
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

How Wonderful Hops!

Your lawyer 'got it' and understands, and Sam is verbose.

("It's a simple questions, Mr. X...")

What a wonderful put-down---.....and are you too simple to answer it?!!!

You're on a roll, Hops. Good for your sticktoitiveness. WE all knew you were strong enought to face those problems.

Great!
Izzy

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Izz...and ((((((((((everyone))))))))))...

CB, you asked about my D. At first, it hit her hard that she's just lost another chunk of family.
Then, she got angry.

Ever since, she's been consistently a champion, caring and supportive adult child and friend.

I know she feels badly that he's used her reckless web page that way, but she knows I don't care. He had no right and though I didn't like some of the stuff either, I never judged her for it (and never invaded that boundary anyway...).

I feel closer to her, in an adult way, than ever before. So that may be the silver lining.

She was more angry than hurt and I am really glad that was her response. She said, "Mom, I'm not a violent person, but I am certain that if I saw my uncle I would hit him in the nose." She was actually kind of stunned by that, but was telling the truth.

I don't advocate violence but I completely understand why she feels that way. (I would likely be standing by with an ice pack for her fist. Never mind his nose...he'd be running.)

She made an A in graduate statistics, which certainly re-proves she got her Dad's brain not mine, and she's doing very well in school. She's thriving on intellectual challenge, and just got a tutoring job, that takes her into various schools in Miami. She's challenged and enjoying it and I'm so proud of her!

I'm just frustrated that right now I can't afford a flight to go see her, because we miss each other. But finances are so tight I'm about to give up my phone line. (The minister will split a cable bill that will include DSL.)

Anybody heard of Skype.com? I've been using that for long distance, and I'm about to make it my local line too so I can ditch the phone company entirely. For $3 a month you can make unlimited local and long distance calls, US and Canada. Just need to buy a $10 headset.

Another option I'm checking out is magicjack.com. I'll do whichever seems cheaper.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - in August I got a cable/internet bill that was way too high - almost double July.  So I called them.  Apparently my "signing deal" had expired.  He tried to sell me on their phone service - nope - I've got AT&T and I'm sticking.  OK just out of curiousity what is your phone deal, I asked.  As it turns out they offered me local PLUS unlimited long distance, voice mail, call waiting, caller ID and I don't know what else for less than I was paying for LOCAL only on AT&T.  When they bundled it with my cable and internet it came out to be exactly the price of the new cable/internet bill - all three for less than I was paying for cable/internet/local phone in July.

Long point short - have you called cable or phone to negotiate a better rate or a package that might be more feasible and even better than what you have?  I was surprised and profoundly thankful.

[BonesMS]

The very-fundamentalist uncle has sent me a letter threatening to mail my mother copies of my D's indiscreet web page (before she realized my brother was reading it and took it down, but not before my brother happily photocopied her "shocking" banter w/friends) -- if I don't give up the POA. Because she (and I) are "full of iniquity" and I need to come to Jesus (literally) and then my brother will "forgive me". He threatens me with "calamity" if I don't cooperate. He actually calls my D "demonic".  !!  (Ummm...dirty, even anti-religious, talk in one's youth isn't exactly re-inventing the wheel. Sigh.)

Bear in mind, this would confuse, distress and really really hurt my mother (demented, half-paralysed, and my D is the light of her life).

Evidently, my brother has also sent copies to the few remaining relatives on NMom's side (also very fundamentalist). Bye-bye aunt, bye-bye cousins. I've always loved my relatives even though we're religiously and politically so different. I only see them about once every 5 or 10 years so I guess I'll get along without them. The pure viciousness of it, though...that hurt. (His whole point, of course.)

My lawyer says it's a threat and he's sending a copy to the guardian to give him an idea of their antics. The guardian ad litem is a good guy, so I think this may harm my brother's crusade (pun intended). Plus the fact that my uncle acknowledges in his letter that he doesn't know either D or me and has never spoken to me!

It's getting Faulknerian. If I didn't have white hair already...

Some people on that side of the family are twisted, imo. My grandfather having been a hellfire-and-brimstone preacher who raped his daughters. For certain one aunt, perhaps others. I guess he taught his son to be a fanatic, and maybe my brother got a variant of the gene? At least I feel more of a sense of validation that the genetic predisposition to abusive behavior is real...

Aaagggh.
Thank you. Very therapeutic.
I feel steel dripping into my backbone.

Hops

GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!  *Fangs showing!!!!*  Can we say "blackmail"?  If he sent me a letter like that, I'd tell him to go F**K himself!

Bones

[changing]

Dearest Hoppy-

You are involved in an extended war, and the things seem to be turning your way. War is costly and unfair- but perhaps the phone issue and plane ticket can be handled... I don't know about Skype, but I do know that a part of the telecommunications deregulations includes the encouragement of rival small companies. There are flat fee cell companies with less expensive plans that allow you to transfer your land-line number over, etc. Is there any way to set aside a bit a month or hold a yard sale to help with the plane ticket- you dfeserve to bask in the glory of your accomplishments and get love and support...Also, could your lodger defray the cost of a phone, as he doesn't have to pay rent currrently?
Congratulations on your daughter's accomplishments in statistics and in her life's journey...Awesome!!! You are a great mommy and everything else is small potatoes in comparison!!!

Love to Our Tribal Wise Woman,

Changing

[sKePTiKal]

Skype's good, Hops. With a webcam, you can also see each other...Also check out Vonage.

[Sela]

Hiya Hops,

Just wanted to let you know that when I pop in here I read your threads.  I don't have much of use to add but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, sending you good thoughts and vibes and stuff and keeping you in my prayers.  Wish I could wave a magic wand and make the whole thing go away but alas.

(((((((Hops)))))))

Sela

[Hopalong]

Sela, you dear, thank you.

You are always one of the warm voices I "hear" in VESMB even when you don't have time to post.

Support received, appreciated, and thank you.

You put the friend in friendly, my friend.

love,
Hops