The Collapse

[Hopalong]

Good stuff.

I think of the collapse as the fear of being alone with myself.

Having been trained to be so over-attentive to NMom, and so over-obedient, w/o someone else's demands driving me, I have trouble driving myself.

Most days, it shows as lack of motivation for getting things done that will benefit me. Lack of order, organization, taking control of my time.

In moments when there's reall collapse, it's about feeling unbearably alone, but I'm no more alone than I am at other times, when I'm fine.

I'd like to figure it out.

xo
Hops

[Ami]

Hops,
 That is a brilliant point!
  When I used to feel that I was OK, I did not collapse if people did not like me. When I feel badly about myself(which is mostly), I collapse when I am shamed by others.    Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Hops - the answer for me lay in responsibility...

I spent so much energy, time, neurons being "responsible" for my mom - and so feared her reaction to me if I DARED be myself - that I simply became used to this odd situation and didn't learn to be responsible for me. Didn't have to - wasn't allowed to - because that meant I wasn't 100% focussed on MOM'S needs, ya know?

I've been having to examine what it means to be responsible to - and for myself. It's things like allowing myself to take breaks - like other people. Caring about appearance. Caring about my house. Taking care of what matters to ME.

I know that feeling of alone, too - when a child is parentified - it's like being marooned on a desert island; lost in a crowd in the city - where is my parent??????

[debkor]

PR,

I think that is happening to my friends children. They take care of their mom, the house, her emotional needs, so on.  They are fighting back now though at least the 12 year old. They have told her that they think she does get child support and do not believe she does not.  She does.  Mom argued and said it is not true.  Then was reduced to tears because she is caught, you think?  I know she does not feel bad spending the money on her own clothes.

Love
Deb

[sKePTiKal]

Good for them, Deb! That warms my heart.

I tried fighting back - but the abuse got upped to unbearable levels. She shunned me completely until I submitted. Rather than fight - I set my sights on escape. Only problem is, I didn't realize that the thing I was "escaping" was embedded in me - so it followed me everywhere.

It's pretty "fixed", now... only this one last hill to climb.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Ami and Amber.

I think I'm still feeling as though taking care of the space ISN'T taking care of me.

Since the house is in limbo, and I don't know whether I can stay, and there's all that with my brother.

I believe I'll have a great joy in nesting when I finally land somewhere I can stay.

But the paperwork...now, that IS taking care of my needs, because if I don't do it well, I could lose big. And legally.

So that is an eternal struggle. Taking care of myself physically every day helps...eating right and exercising. I really let that go recently.

It's weird, I'm chaotic about it. If I take care of myself in one area, I tend to let all the others go flop.
For example, accepting dates with nice men has become a pleasant way to take care of my need for male company.
So I get all delighted about that but on a weekend when I DON'T have a social plan, I laze and decay and don't make progress with the other areas. And there's no evidence that social isolation is anything but a passing issue, and all I have to do is schedule things to make it different. But it's really easy to slip into total immobility.

Glad we're talking about this as a weekend is coming.

xo
Hops

[Overcomer]

So would that be called a semii-collapse......when you are up in one area but the others go to pot???  I find myself falling apart in some areas some times.....other times I have it ALL together......but those are few and far between.

[Hopalong]

Works for me, OC... 

One big gift has come my way.

The minister's wife is a natural ORGANIZER!

I told her I had no opinion about the first floor, no attachment, no turfy feelings, no preferences, and she was welcome to do ANYTHING.

She's practically alphabetized the kitchen. It's amazing.

I am not on the first floor much but I am so lucky these people are living here.
I am hoping I'll be receptive enough to their healthy energy that I'll wake up and take better care of my life.

xo
Hops