The Collapse

[Overcomer]

In Karyl McBride's new book "Never Good Enough" she introduces the concept of the Collapse. 

This is when my mother said to me, "Well the psychologist said he thinks you might have Borderline Personality Disorder when I told him about your emotional instability and angry outbursts."

I plummeted into a week long depression.  I felt like I was punched in the gut.

Then after reading her new book I understand that my mom has sent me into THE COLLAPSE so many times.  Saying something to me about me that labels me some kind of an unstable, messed up person.  Even though I understand that it is SHE that has NPD, she can still make me spiral emotionally out of control!!

Anyone else experience THE COLLAPSE?

[Ami]

Oh Kelly
 I understand, totally. I have felt that punch in the stomach thousands of times, hundreds of thousands of times,probably.So, is the book confirming  your own reality? I never heard of the term "collapse" before but I have BEEN through it ,for sure.   Ami

[Overcomer]

Ami, this is a must read for you.  You can get it on Amazon for like $16.32.  It is written specifically for women whose mothers have NPD.  I had never heard it labeled The Collapse before but it hit the nail on the head!!!  I know what the collapse is and as long as I am with my mother, I expose myself to the possibility of her trying to put me in my place..........and me experiencing the collapse.  I cry.  I get angry.  She labels me and I die!!!

THAT IS WHY, I AM LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOB!  I cannot risk her verbally forcing me into this........

[ann3]

Hi kelly,

The collapse??????  OH YEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it well.  Sometimes, it took me days to recover.  Must get this book.

Good luck with your job search.

xoxo,
ann

[ann3]

Kelly,

If you don't mind, can you tell us more about the book?  What really resonates with you?

Thanks,

xoxo,
ann

[teartracks]

OC,

Colapse - yes, yes, yes!   The book sounds very interesting with good insights.   

tt

[Overcomer]

http://www.nevergoodenough.com/

The reason I was so interested in it was because I was interviewed for over an hour by Dr. McBride.  I was so looking forward to seeing my story in print.  Well, at the beginning of the book she tells the reader that mostly the stories were composites of several of her interviewees.  I saw a couple of Kellyisms in there but my story was NOT obvious.......

Anyway, I read it cover to cover looking for my story.  While reading I discovered this whole collapse business.  I had never heard it put that way but it makes perfect sense.....

She starts by identifying N behaviors.  Then she goes on to tell how we suffer and some of the reactions and symptons we suffer.

But the cool thing is in the third part she offers us steps to get over it all.  I haven't sat down and done the exercises yet but they all sound very good.  I realized that I am well on my way.....I feel sorry for someone who just figures it all out and has a ton of work to do.  The anger, etc. has already been done by me.  I have raged and raged and raged..............for nearly seven years.  Thank God I am at the tail end of it all.

It validates me.  I think that is so important to me....to be validated!

[Izzy_*now*]

AH!
The Collapse
The punch in the gut!
We all might have our own terms for that... because I recognize the dynamic and what I have called it is that 'I could feel myself from the outside be pulled into my centre and end up as a helpless little ball sourrounded by an otherwise empty body'., and I would be speechless.: at a total loss for words to defend myself.

I felt that from my father's rages, so it began back then and anytime in the following years, if that happened, I recognized it as something I had lived with for many years.

I  felt it from my son-in-law's rages and obvious dislike for me, and I had no words to say.

I felt it from the N's rages that 'went on forever' until I could hear only the noise, not the words, and I had no words.

Since I've put me together, the best way I can, I have avoided anyone of that rageful nature and I also know what I would do. I would speak up for myself and against that person, or I would leave the room---that is hard to do in a wheelchair--I know from experience how I cannot leave quickly and close a door on the offender... grab my crutches and walk down steps and drive away, in a snap!

Yep I can see that what I felt was a 'collapse'.... within me

[Ami]

Is the collapse the same thing as the shame spiral?  You feel like you will fall apart and just become a puddle on the floor.                   Ami

[ann3]

Thanks, Kelly.  Got to get the bk.

IMO, yes, Ami, the shame spiral or as Izzy said, when someone rages at us & reduces us to a helpless ball.

IMO, the collapse is caused by (as others has coined the phrase) "soul murder", when someone treats us in a way that we feel they have destroyed us.

xoxo,
ann

[Overcomer]

Then you get to the point that you are walking on eggshells because you never know when they will pull the rug out from underneath you.

[Ami]

I have spent my WHOLE life trying to run from the collapse(shame spiral)--URGGGH
                         Ami

[Overcomer]

That's it.  I also have called it spiralling out of control.  I could never believe how much power my mother's words have over me.  A look.  A sentence.  She makes me melt......into a puddle.  Like Iz said, collapsing into ourselves.....

Well, I aim to avoid that collapse by taking myself OUT of the circumstances which cause my collapse...

[Ami]

My problem with the collapse is that I am running away from it ,constantly. I am trying to avoid feeling that shame all life situations.
                                                           Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Kelly - I called the collapse the Black Hole.

This is where I "gave up" - my right to define my SELF, who I am - and let my mother project all her crap onto me. And yes, I also experienced the "walking on eggshells" part - where any time I deviated from the projection - look OUT for the immediate abuse.

It's taken 28 years of not living with her - but still dealing with her - (and 4 years of intense therapy & self-examination) to solve all the mysteries... to finally see that I can simply BE my self - and "nothing bad happens". Still getting used to this, still discovering WHO I am, without the projection cloaking me... still trying to develop confidence in my SELF, as I am.

Still rejecting/removing the old B&W rules about being... that kept me looking back for understanding instead of simply walking away - moving on.