Moving through judgment

[Gaining Strength]

I would like to change my name again from Shame Slayer to judgment something as I have fought and won the battle against shame and am now fighting the battle against judgment.

This is the last important battle in my war.  I will win it and it will be easier than the battle against shame but it is unpleasant to be sure.  For the last couple of days I have watched myself slip into inaction - paralyzed yet again.  But I know what it is.  I was disappointed when I recognized it - denied it.  But did not slip into a shame spiral.  When I look at it I don't dispair because I know the other side will be a better, broader freedom.

I am giving myself a few more minutes before I push through.  I do have a plan but cannot implement it until the paralysis is broken. 

Not looking for anything other than an opportunity to share with others what I am experiencing.

Using my mind to see what the other side looks like - envisioning what it will be.  Know what the judgment did to me and where it came from.  Have had a few experiences in recent days of flashes without any judgment - it was so free - actually bursts of joy and happiness.  Hard to describe.

Thanks for being there.

[Gaining Strength]

I'm getting something.  It has or is coming to me in reflection from some of PR's writings. 

I am still sitting on the pot.  And I recognized that even before I read that phrase yesterday but I thought until now that it was about actions.  But what I have been doing is allowing the same, albeit unconscious, "wound" thoughts to operate my mind.  I'm still a victim.  My mind is still flinching at my own inadequate behavior.  I'm two and my father is projecting onto my his own sense of insufficiency.  The very functioning of my brain continues to react to everything I see, hear and do in the same way I did as the "not good enough" 2 year old.

THAT'S the pot I'm sittingon.

Got to get off that pot - puttin in new stuff - giving it back to him - it was never mine.  If I had not taken it from him then my mother would nave never been able to shift her sh*t onto me.  I wouldn't have taken it.

Gettin off the pot means drawing out of unconscious into the conscious and giving it back.

[Sweet humming bird outside of my window.]

I feel truly 2 - afraid, lonely, looking around for confirmation, support, encouragement.  I can be 2 and be a mother all at once.  It is enough.  It is enough.

Fear is the old stuff.  Make it conscious - give it back - replace it.

[debkor]

Hey SS,

You are the judge now...Judge (Judy) SS.....*famous saying*  They are one pepsi short of a 6 pack....

There has been a hearing...SS...has listened to everything from her child...the child has been validated....verdict...(parents guilty as charged)..They were wrong...wrong...wrong......personality disorder...or character disorder...what ever it may be.....hearing wasn't too bad..the fear is gone...and what about the judgement now?

People with this abnormal thinking cannot judge others...they don't think right...You are innocent Ms. SS.  You were brainwashed by things that were not true...A disordered person.  Please be clear about this.  It is their judgement and they are in no authority to tell you who you are..what you will do or not do...or how you feel and failed as a parent in shaping your emotional well being due to their own problems...disordered personality.   

Look over to your parents.....Get help  Sir/Madame.  This case is closed.   Judgement against Parents, your problem.  Have a nice day.

Give it back..

Love
Deb

[sKePTiKal]

SS, I've been thinking about your first post.

Judgement in itself isn't a bad thing. But, I think it can be... and if you're truly feeling 2 yrs old and EXPECTING a negative judgement - well, you know what it feels like already and you dread it. It's the "oh no - not again" ...

Somewhere recently, I read something about how we make conscious or unconscious choices about expectations. Expecting a bad response from people about ourselves, for instance. When this has been reinforced with repetition - and the power of emotions tied to it which increases the significance and dread - my theory goes that we make an unconscious choice to expect people to have a negative reaction - regardless of what they really DO feel and think about us; we expect to feel bad emotions, we expect ourselves to be "stuck", or in my case - expect myself to continue to smoke and be HELPLESS to do anything about it.

Ah yes... it was in some of my research on dopamine. The brain is designed to basically provide "feel good" - until something painful or bad comes along giving us a negative experience. Well, to extrapolate this - if we experience a no-win situation like an abusive FOO while children - while our brains, emotions, perceptions and selves are developing - and there are little or no other types of experiences - we grow up with this predisposition to feel bad - even when there's nothing to feel bad about.

Anything repeated enough times will come to be familiar and accepted as "normal". Coupled with abuse for those times when we DID feel good, I think we develop a survival-based fear of that freedom to feel good and the rest of the emotional range.

I know this pavlovian approach is only one way of looking at it; not the whole enchilada - but it's what I've found to be the most useful, lately.

I found a lot of success battling smoking, by combining that approach with giving myself explicit permission to do something without all the bad feelings. Writing it down - a permission slip - even helps. When I give myself permission to practice not smoking - the one in the car, the 10 am smoke - I find it a lot easier emotionally... and each time is one more repetition to making it feel "normal" for me.

[Gaining Strength]

Debkor - LOL thank you - I love - "One short of a six pack."   Thank you judge Judy - I'm innocent.
Whew!!!  OK - only problem - the guilty pair are more like and invasive tumor and they are all twisted into my brain tissue.  I'm not saying they can't be destroyed - but I

interruption - I'm watching a fascinating PBS program on stress.  Study done with baboons in the wild show that leader has significantly less stressors than the submissives.  IOW there was a clear link between rank and stress.  Subordinates have more stress.

OK back to my point.  They are guilty but it will take some very careful surgery and some chemo to extricate their tendrils from my mind.  I have a great surgeon and it will happen - in fact I'm in surgery now!!! hurray!!!!\

[Gaining Strength]

Ah yes... it was in some of my research on dopamine. The brain is designed to basically provide "feel good" - until something painful or bad comes along giving us a negative experience. Well, to extrapolate this - if we experience a no-win situation like an abusive FOO while children - while our brains, emotions, perceptions and selves are developing - and there are little or no other types of experiences - we grow up with this predisposition to feel bad - even when there's nothing to feel bad about.


Yes!!!! That's what I'm talking about.  Feeling good actually takes enormous concentration for me.  It does not come easily - it is WORK!!!!  But I think this is very, very important to get this "habit" and make it my norm. 

It feels so good to make this connection, to read your post and see that someone (you) understands what I am talking about.  It's a bonus - thanks so much.

[sKePTiKal]

sometimes I wonder... if we even know what feeling good FEELS like.

I know I had a really hard time depicting positive feelings - but I had real definite ideas of what pictures would describe bad feelings. Best I could get to were things like peace, serenity. I painted my own icons for these feelings - all symbols - of course! LOL! But there's no reason to not start a collage - sort of like Izzy's project of the ideal life - but instead simply collect pictures that represent "happy", "joy", etc for you - important that the pictures evoke the feeling, too, I guess. Paste them up next to your mirror... somewhere you'll see them a lot during the day. Sit with the pictures and simply let yourself run through the feelings - if my theory about the brain & repetition has any basis, I'd think that you'd be making yourself familiar with those feelings through this "exercise'. Creating new neural pathways... getting the feelings closer to be at least familiar.

OK, so much for ideas - on to sharing. My collage would have to have self-confidence, importance (as a human being), and acceptance on it. Belonging.

I'm having the strangest feeling today; as if I'm trying to tell myself something earth-shatteringly important - but don't have words or the nerve to just spit it out. I'm trying to listen without superimposing all my usual Left brain chatter, associations, etc on it. Like something in me is about to "pop"! Still no clue - so I have to sort of listen "sideways" - not go head on, demand, or force... patience.

don't know yet.

[Hopalong]

what a wonderful thread....thank you, SS.

Gettin off the pot means drawing out of unconscious into the conscious and giving it back.

[Sweet humming bird outside of my window.]

I feel truly 2 - afraid, lonely, looking around for confirmation, support, encouragement.  I can be 2 and be a mother all at once.  It is enough.  It is enough.

What grabbed me about this was you iopened into the PRESENT. Then saw the hummingbird. Were feeling emotionally open enough to register its sweetness. Rather than "seeing" it w/o "noticing" it with your heart. That was really neat.

I love Amber's idea of the pictures, too. They are present. They are physical.

There's been so much suffering over ugliness and disorder in your home, that I wonder if you've allowed yourself to ADD TO your physical surroundings. In the sense of emptying out in order to add beauty? And happiness symbols?

My Zen-home fantasies (although my DR table & office look like something that exploded in the basement of the Library of Congress) ...

openness
light
space
empty floors, simple covering (I'm thinking Marmoleum in an amazing color)
few but wonderfully chosen pieces of art, chosen or made by me, not inherited
music in the air
scent, a diffuser for oil of lavender
a symbolic small chalice for my faith (I have a colorful wonky one I made at a women's spirituality retreat)
maybe 3 things maximum on the mantel, 1 of them flowers
in the whole room, maybe 6 framed photos--but loved favorites
no books or mags except those I'm actively reading
the scent of pine from the kindling box
the scent of lemon oil from dusting

and that's it.

And sweet birds in the azaleas outside the windows.

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

YAY!!! The "pop" happened - but it's a long story... not much time today - but I'll be able to explain more soon. My 2 weeks at the beach starts with the drive tomorrow morning.

HOPS - you'll want to tune in; Maya Angelou was here on campus to speak at our inauguration of a new prez. A lot of what she said is responsible for finally making something absolutely CLEAR to me - the pop!

[Gaining Strength]

OMG - I can't believe you are going to make me wait 2 weeks to learn about the POP!!

I'm on pins and needles.

[Hopalong]

me toooooooooo!

H.

[Lupita]

This thread is so interesting that I cant wait for your next posts.

Thank you SS and PR for giving so interesting food for thought.

Love to you!

[Overcomer]

Oh, SS, when I read your threads I feel that I am reading a story about me.  But I always think of you by your picture that was up for such a short time.  I see your parents owning a big factory like the one in Jumanji............

I understand the feelings.  I feel guilty leaving my job.  I feel a sense of dread telling my mom I am going to leave.  The only way I can is during a fight.....

I don't want to fight.  I want for my mom to be happy for me but instead she will consider my leaving a betrayal.......

SS.  I love the court of law business.................THEY are guilty.  We are innocent little girls who were neglected by our parents...

[Lupita]

OC, we were little girls, but now we are adults, we are not little girls anymore, we are adulst now with options but we do not want to accept that, we do not want to get the options and we prefer to stay connected to the evil.

Why? I do not know.

[Gaining Strength]

I read this thread today and almost cry.  I feel the loss of the place already as though I am waiting for someone I love to die from a terminal illness.  The only thing to do is to live each day, enjoy each day, treasure the friendships and the posts while it is here.

I was thinking back a couple of years ago when I had NO ONE, not one person to talk with and share things with when I suddenly realized I could come home and post here, that I had friends here.  Having friends here changed how I experienced the 3D world.  Suddenly I was not so alone and not so afraid of the rejections that had come so fast and furious for the previous few years.  Suddenly I had people to talk to so to speak.  It truly changed my life.

When I read what Hops, Lupita and Overcomer have posted since I last posted, I felt at home, with friends, no - with family.  It felt so comfortable.  I have come so far in these short two years and cannot bear to lose this place, to lose my friends, my family.  It will be such a great loss.

OC, I know you want your mother to be glad for you and that it is not likely that she will be.  The little girl needs her mother to care, to be for her, to support her and want the best for her.  The little girl needs to please her mother in order to survive.  But the mother is trying to starve the little girl and the little girl's children and grand children.  The mother doesn't care.  The little girl must grow up quickly and see that she must take care of herself, that her mother is a sad, pitiful human void of the capacity to care and provide but who would rather suck the life from her little girl than help her.

I just pray that the little girl is able to see that and able to protect herself from a selfish pariah before it is too late.

Lupita - I think we try to stay connected to that evil in order to "work it out" and yet the only way out is to make some kind of a shift psychologically so that we become competent adults instead of pleading, hoping little girls waiting for our mothers to love us and show us how to grow up.  Mothers are supposed to do that - show us how to become young women and how to navigate the vicitudes of life from romance to motherhood.  But such evil ones don't do that - they don't know how.  Instead they eat their own or turn them inside out and make the daughters responsible for the mothers, the child becomes the adult and the adult the child - topsy turvy.