1st post - Does the N in your life have "friends"?

[CC]

Tinker, I had forgotten about those until you mentioned your own list of your mom's admirers.  In addition to her astute intellectuals (non-emotional types) she also chooses gay men and elderly people (my mother is an active elderly herself, but has always had older friends).  There was even an incident that she told me about after my father died that she tried to SEDUCE one the gay admirers, convinced that she could change him!   she was devastated when he turned her down (not because she was really interested, but she had actually "failed" to attract him). She "uses" the elderly men for transportation and companionship, sort of leading them on.  And the minute the elderly men show any interest in her romantically she dumps them like a bad habit, conveying to them her disgust that they actually thought she would be interested. Yuck!  

[Alan]

In the 3 years I was with my soon to be ex N, I met 3 of her friends exactly, I mean exactly, 4 times of merit.  One was early on and never again, another was my ex N's daughter's god parents, and only when they came by to take the kid to dinner.  And I will clarify the 3rd, she was the across the street friend who hung with the N and her previous husband and to this day is still a "friend" (I still can't define the relationship).  I have met the 3rd friend more than once. But except one night of really hanging out, the 3rd friend would come by our house with my N's ex for very short periods of time. And I will admit to attending 2 weddings, one of her friend's kids, and my N's family. And we lived within 40 minutes of all these people and in Chicago, that's nothing. Sure, at times I didn't want to go out and hang, but, I always supported her when she indicated she wanted to get together with these folks.  My N was great at "let's get together" while on the phone.  The N and I would target a date but she never followed up.  

But being able to count the times meeting N's friends on my fingers is an indictment.  My N of course stopped wanting to see my friends bec she felt out of place, she was "bored" with the reminiscing of college days.  But, true to form, while intoxicated, she admitted that she felt she didn't have the "education" to participate in conversation.  My friends are all college grads, but, the conversations were always about everyday activities and interest.  They are not rocket scientists.  Just good average people.  My N wasn't the center of attention so she checked out.

Now that we're divorcing, she has contacted some of these friends.  Going back to the people who filled her up years ago.  Using people again.

[Alan]

I've posted this else where but I'll try again.

In my 3 year relationship with my Nw, I met 3 of her friends about a total of 6 times, all separate.  And all live within 40 minutes of home. And only 1 for any length of time.

But once she dumped me, she got on the phone to most, to reconnect and be fed by them.

[Cathi]

Alan:
I sympathize with your situation. Narcissists don't hang onto "real" friends. When my exNH had knee surgery and was off work for several months, his buddies he grew up mowed our yard or whatever we needed to happen. They were always there for him, until they saw it wasn't ever reciprocated. When I left him, they dropped all ties and told him that he really never treated me well. That made him angry, but it was the truth. I have stayed in contact with HIS friends!
My ex has been living with a girl for three years now, claiming he will never marry her because I ruined his life. Actually, we ruined each other's lives. I stayed too long in the marriage and was quite bitter. Eventually I got counseling and got out, but the damage was all ready done. My three sons treat women terribly, including myself. That was their male role model. I have myself to blame for being so codependent from growing up with a Nmom---from the frying pan into the fire!
I remarried a year ago to a wonderful man who treats me great. We've known each other since I was a child. He is much older than me, but he has morals, doesn't do drugs or alcohol. We have a very boring relationship, or so it seems to my sons who like to smoke pot and drink with their Dad. We tried to make a difference in their lives, but so far, it's not sinking in. All the males on both sides of my ex's family died very young due to alcohol. I always shared that with the boys, hoping they would choose a different path. It seems to have fallen on deaf ears.
Don't be too discouraged that your soon to be exW is running around with her old pals. She has the problem, not you. Don't takeit personal. Thank God that you didn't have that much time invested. Take it a day at a time. It's a long hard road, but you'll be better for surviving it. Good luck!
Cathi

[Cathi]

Alan:
I forgot to mention that my exNH is treating the girlfriend just as he did me. He doesn't like to work. For that matter, she doesn't either. But they've gone out and purchased all new furniture, carpet, remodeled the house, bought new vehicles, and two new computers before the holidays. Now she is filing for bankruptcy!!!
Where's progress?
Cathi