Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

1st post - Does the N in your life have "friends"?

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Cathi:
Welcome Maddog!
The fact that you wondered if you could have a problem tells me that you don't. Ns are NEVER the problem! Why they wouldn't even consider it All ACONs have probably wondered if the problem lies with them at one time or another. It's only natural, seeing as how narcissists have such strange behavior. I always had a heck of a time trying to explain it to people. Even if I could explain it, normal people have a difficult time believing it. Who could blame them? If one didn't grow up in a Nhome, they wouldn't have a clue. Many so called professionals don't even seem to get it. I am 48 and just really beginning to figure it out myself.
My Nmom never had many friends. The ones she had she used. She moved to a different state some years back, and both my aunt (her sister) and I felt like a giant weight had been lifted from our chests! I cut her out of my life off and on over the years, but for good five years ago. My poor aunt gets phone calls from my Nmom's neighbors now and then complaining about how bizarre she is. The whole family has never been supportive of me for alienating her. I told them five years ago, that no matter WHAT happens to her, she's their responsibility. I didn't make any friends over that, but I FEEL BETTER!
The older my Nmom gets, the more bizarre her behavior gets. It seems to me that it's harder for them to control their idiosynchrocies as they age. Don't know about you, but my Nmom is a very intelligent woman--intelligent enough to KNOW she has a problem! Why else would they alienate themselves from people and try so hard to hide it?
Good luck on your journey of discovery. Surround yourself with loving people. The pastor of my church once told me to "find a family of choice." I thought that was so odd at the time, but that's exactly what I did! And guess what? They're better than my original family by far!
Hugs,
Cathi

clara:
My parents are both narcissisits.  No, they don't have any true friends. they can make friends, they just can't hang on to them. Very sad, because they are both extraverted and they try very, very hard to connect with people. They go out of their way to make new friends, joining clubs, talking to people in their apt building, phoning up old friends and acquaintences.

As deparate and as lonely as they are, though, they simply don't get how they violate the basic rules for making and keeping friends:

They just talk about themselves.

They control the coversation, deciding the topics, and dominating the conversational time.

They only listen to others for purposes of strategizing, to jump in with something about themselves.

They brag -- mostly about inflated accomplishments.

They tell long-winded jokes that aren't really funny -- and then they laugh shamelessly at their own jokes.

They don't really have a favourite topic -- they just prefer anything that gives them a chance to complain and show their superiority.

They backstab shamelessy.

They lecture and give advice ad nauseum.

They always have the final say on matters of opinion.

They show nc concern for others -- That is because they have no capacity to care for others beyond what the others can do for them.

In others words, to borrow from some famous saying:

My parents would never ask what THEY can do for a friend, but only what THEIR FRIENDS can do for them.

My Nhusband has no friends either, but that is another issue for me that is quite painful.  So I think I'll start another thread on the shame and embarrassment that those us feel when we socialize with our Npartners.

Anonymous:
My N MIL likes to talk about what she wants to talk about and that is about all.  I have seen her talk and talk and then if someone else says something you can see her not listening to them but thinking about what she is going to say.   She has gotten a little better at listening now that she is getting old...but her favorite subject is still her.

mary:
Sorry, I forgot to sign in.  THe above post is from me...Mary.

MADDOG:
You guys responded like I knew you would. My N mom gets a "glazed over" look to her when someone else is speaking, already formulating what she has to say.  I've wondered so much while I was younger why I had a sense of feeling invisible.  Now as an adult I realize that it is because my N mom couldn't let me speak, stand, or be anything without her interjecting on me how I felt, how I should feel.  As young as 2 yrs. old I vividly remember being tod by my N mom that I had better "speak up or peope will think you're retarded." :shock:   It's no wonder that at age 42 I still feel insecure and am scared that I am being judged when I speak.  She silenced me for a long time.
My N mom also seems to hold "friends" as hostages, and only keeps close to them if they agree with her.  But boy, can she stab even the closest ones in the back if they actually have a life without her.
Will post later about guilt and how she loves to manipulate me by using it.
Thanks for all your posts. 8)

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