Feeling overwhelmed by the N

[sunblue]

Hello all:

Please forgive my rant today.  It seems that some days I feel just overwhelmed by the Narcissism of my family.  Even though intellectually I understand the sickness...the reality of it just seems to hit me in the gut.  Sometimes it just comes in little waves, at other times, it's a veritable tsunami.

My Nmom's selfishness is so overwhelming to me sometimes.  She refused to drive me to the train station in the morning so I can get to work.  One of the cars needs to get repaired and we needed to juggle around cars...but she just will never ever adjust her ways or schedule or anyting...for me....Yet, once again, she spent the weekend with my sis and will run all over time to do tasks for her, large and small.  It's so hard not to take it personally.

I started reading Karyl McBride's book but it so closely resembles my life, I need to read it in stages.  One thing I read which I have a hard time with is when she says it's not about casting blame at the narcissist.  Yes, I have a hard time with that  It just seems that they know exactly what they're doing, they know very well they exact pain on us...so why shouldn't they be blamed?  It just seems we are always left to suffer the consequences of a lifetime of their actions, and there is never any justice.

I am in limbo...and I can't seem to crawl out.  I was out for a long time and found a job about 7 months ago...but it is nothing short of hell.  I have a tyrant narcissist of a boss...and since I started there, I literally work every single evening until 2 in the morning and all weekend...I don't have a second....So I'm looking for a new job but you know how that is in this horrendous economy.

I am trying to face and accept my truth....I'm trying to accept being alone....but it is not easy.  I just feel so sad....and angry and resentful at my Nmom and co-dependent dad....I try to be objective....but sometimes I just don't understand what is so terrible about me that not a single person in this world cares about me....and certainly not enough to spend any time with me....It is such a lonely existence.

I think some of these N moments waged on me by my Nmom, serve as triggers for my depression which is real at any rate.  I have nothing to get up in the morning for...and some days it just gets to be too much.

What I have also noticed as my parents get older, is that my Nmom becomes even more selfish and my co-dependent dad becomes more like a child...catering to my mom and Nsis in ridiculous ways....acting like he is completely helpless and needs everyone to wait on him.....He, like my Nmom, insist that I drop everything to cater to his every whim.....Perhaps it is the result of catering to two Ns in  his life (my mom and sister)....Of course, he enabled them....but what I don't get is how easily he threw away me and my brother....like we were and are nothing.  He never calls my brother and expresses any interest in him...same for me....Some days I just don't get it...and it is always so painful....I have been trying not to dwell on it all the time...but weekends in particular seem to get me to relive all these moments.....

Anyway, I apologize for the rant...I'm just feeling filled with pain this weekend and until this valuable board goes away...I just needed to communicate to people who I know would understand.

<<SunBlue>>

[ann3]

Hi Sun,

I know $ is tight, but, can you move out of yr parent's house?  Rent a room somewhere, hopefully close to work?  I think you do a disservice to yourself by living with your tormentors.  Please try to move out as soon as you can.

w/love,
ann

[Ami]

Dear Sun,
 I think that you have so much grief ,inside, and rightfully so. I am grieving my childhood, as you would a death. The problem is finding s/one who has strong enough shoulders to bear the weight of our grief.
 Alice Miller calls it an Enlightened Witness.
 My  advice would be to read and study Alice Miller b/c she knows what you have experienced and how to heal.     
My heart goes out to you, Sun.        Ami

[Overcomer]

Oh Sun......I am with you.  Yes, I guess we want justice.  Just once let them get theirs so we can sit back and shake our heads at them.  See?  Mom?  What goes around comes around.  But somehow they always come out smelling like a rose.

You can vent here.  You can tell us all your woes.  We will be around to hug you and be the only people on this earth that can understand you.

As far as the Karyl McBride book.  I think I understand what she means.  I think she means that these Ns have become so hard wired to their way of thinking that they actually believe what they are doing is ok.  My mom does not have a clue how awful she is to people.  And I do not think she cares what we "little people" think anyway....she is the Queen and we are her servants.  To ask her to be different is to ask a leopard to change their spots.  It is an impossibility.

The only thing we can do is change our response to them.  I have slowly done that.  When she asks me to sit at a table at some banquet she bought a whole table to I say NO.  She went to some autism thing and expected me to go....I said no.  I work with her and I am in the process of leaving to free myself from her.  I agree with Ami, you need to get out,,,,

But what you said about your new job, that is what scares me so.  What if I get a new job and it is a worse situation than what I am in.....how does that serve me>>

Oh, well, keep ranting.....we are here for YOU!!   ((((((sun))))))))))))

[ann3]

Sun,

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh.  Yes, rant away.  But, been thinking:  You may be very enmeshed with your FOO and that's why it's hard to leave them & detach from them.  I was very enmeshed & I work on it everyday. Getting over detachment means that no matter what they do, we say "I no longer care what they do or say, let them do whatever they want, I know they will never change, so I detach from them and focus on my own life".

So, sharing my knowledge with you:  the best way to overcome enmeshment is to detach from the FOO.  It's ironic that our FOO's abuse can have the effect that we have difficulty leaving them and detaching from them (enmeshment), but, that's how it is.

This is why I said try to move out of their house asap.  They will NEVER change (we ACONS must learn to accept this) and that will only drive you crazy.

Even though intellectually I understand the sickness...the reality of it just seems to hit me in the gut. 
Sun, something else I learned:  If we really want to change & improve our lives, we must accept & undertsand their "sickness" (and how that sickness hurt us) on a deep emotional, gut level.  IMO,once we have that deep emotional acceptance, then, we can rise like a phoenix from the ash.  I know you can do it!!!!!!!

w/love,
ann

[Hopalong]

Sun,

I am so glad Ann said enmeshment.

Now I understand why you feel so stuck, so fixated on them, and not taking your own life in your hands.

How could friends or a support group or a church community or a workshop or a therapist compete?

I hope you'll read a LOT about enmeshment. I think your freedom lies in that recognition.

love,
Hops

[ann3]

Thanks,Hops.

Lately, on this board, I feel I say things people don't want to hear.  I wonder if  I should just keep my mouth shut & not post.

And, this place is so quiet lately, I can  hear crickets, so maybe things really are dying down.

ann

[Ami]

KEEP saying the truth. The truth is very hard to say and s/times can make us  unpopular,but it is the only thing that will set us free. Go Girl!           Love  Ami

[debkor]

Hey Ann3,

Not to mean to hijack the original but....I agree with Ami.  So what sometimes we may not like to hear what is said because it strikes a nerve.   I like your post and later down the line...I will get an ..OH  ah ha moment...from many, many post.

Love
Deb

[Ami]

Thinking of you,Sun.  How are you doing?           Warmly, Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Lately, on this board, I feel I say things people don't want to hear.  I wonder if  I should just keep my mouth shut & not post.

NEVER.  Don't be silent.  You never know who might benefit. You never know when YOU might benefit from your own words.  Keep posting.  You have lots to say and valuable things to say and you say it in a unique way.  Definitely don't stop.

Your friend - SS