I am a partner with a Narcissistic Mother!

[Overcomer]

I work day in and day out with a Nmom.  I am going crazy.  She says that open communication is important to her but that is only if I agree with everything she says.  If I disagree then she thinks I am being disrespectful.  She only sees the bad in everything and everyone.  When she comes in everyone starts walking on eggshells.  I have worked with her for 10 1/2 years and have successfully set boundaries, but like everyone has said in this forum, she blames me for everything - including being unstable since I set some boundaries.  Well, I am seriously looking for another job since she SAID she was starting to back off - but that only lasted a few months and now she is back in pointing out everything that is wrong in the place.  Rather than congratulating someone for a job well done, she points out the dust on the shelf or notices that the carpet needs vacuuming.  Several people at work have come to me and told me that if I had to live under such scrutiny all my life, they feel really sorry for me.  Should I go get another job?  Only thing is this - my nmom is rich and I am afraid of alienating her so much that she will disinherit me.

[Anonymous]

Hi K,

Sorry, I couldn't tell if the Nmom is your mother at first...

Couple of ways to go:

1. Stay.  Be miserable.
2. Go and announce your departure like a regular person.  This will alienate your mom and create insecurity in yourself.
3. Plan your departure first.  Like a girlfriend breaking up with an extremely unstable boyfriend.  Read the stalking websites for tips, like "become very boring to your boyfriend, so he will look elsewhere and be glad to be rid of you."  So perhaps in your case, instead of trying to do a stellar job, be mediocre and stop caring.  Anticipate more unhappy noises from your mom.  See if there is a candidate/glutton-for-punishment who would want to take your place as Second Banana. Be defiant about staying and doing a crappy job.  Make her want to be rid of you.  Say stuff like "you can't get rid of me, your my mother!"  Then go.

Good luck.  Seeker

[Anonymous]

Welcome kelly,

I don't know whether you should look for a new job; but you pay a very high price working for your mother.

A therapist could probably help you clarify what you really want in life.

bunny

[Singer]

Hi Kelly,

How old is your mother? Is she anywhere near getting close to retirement? It might make things easier if you know you're working within a limited time frame.

Also wondering how long you've been aware that your mother has NPD. I've found that being aware of what's going on has made me better able to put things in perspective with my NMother, but it has been a gradual process. Taking one day at a time helps until you decide for certain what you can and can't deal with.

Singer

[nassim]

Hi K,

To heck with the money - I'd get out with my soul. Just mo. But find another job first.

N

[Anonymous]

My mother is nearly 70 but recently had a facelift to help her still look young.  It's funny - people think we are sisters because I cannot afford a little plastic surgery to keep me from sagging but she can.  The only light at the end of my tunnel is that I think she may be getting alzheimers (her father died of the disease a few years ago and she is starting to exhibit some of his paranoia, etc.)  but as she is starting to suspect everyone and not trust anyone, I think she might get worse before things get better.  You are right about the money - sometimes I think I'd rather live my last years poor than to continue with this insane relationship just because I think I might benefit in the long run......................seems a little like a vulture waiting for it's prey to die!  Really I wish she would help me out now without all the strings attached and control over every morsel she throws me.  In fact, she never "gives" anything - if we need anything we have to "beg" from her.  Just once I would like her to hand me a check and say, "This is for you to do with what you want........"

[ListNewbie]

{quote]To heck with the money - I'd get out with my soul. Just mo. But find another job first. [/quote]

I totally agree with this. I've had trouble with my step-parents, and one thing that my stepmom had on me was money.

I just walked away. Easier from a step than a bio parent or adoptive parent, I know. I think, though, that money sometimes just symbolizes the *other* strings we've got to our parents, and sometimes money becomes the way that Nparents maintain dominance. I'm lucky that my Ndad has no money to hold over me!

Think of it this way, if you can. The lack of money from your mom is an investment you're making in yourself. If you walk away from a possible inheritence, and instead invest in your own self-confidence and self-worth, you'll be on the way to making a better living on your own. Being constantly demoralized will cause you to devalue yourself, and this *will* affect your career and your ability to make your own money.

[/quote]

[Anonymous]

To heck with the money. I agree. I left a very similar situation because it had become unbearable. My mother promptly disinherited me, which is exactly what my siblings were playing after (one is also a narcisist, people pick up on it very quickly if he is on one of his 'meglomania' trips).

I am the youngest and my siblings have always exploited my mother's narcisism.

I left four years ago and it wasn't easy. On occasion I still look for reassurances that it was the right thing to do (although in my heart I know it was the only thing to do). They have a wonderful place on the beach which I miss tremendously.

[Moonflower]

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[Anonymous]

I REALLY appreciate all the words of wisdom.  It helps to know that others have been there.  I think I may be able to get out of the work thing if I can find a job that pays me enough and doesn't take away from my family.  Maybe then my mother and I could get along.  We had another fight at work today in which we established that there is no trust between us.  I don't trust her to not get overly involved in my life and she doesn't trust me to keep her secrets.  (You know the "don't tell" secrets so that people only see the positive things in our family..............I hate those dysfunctional family "rules.")  Again I disagreed with her and you would have thought I had told her she was ugly.  I can only agree with her.  My dad told me that if she tells me to throw away this cup, I should walk over to the trash and throw away the cup...................I'm sorry but I cannot live my life a walking puppet of my mom.  A couple of times today she stuck in the knife and turned it on me.  I called her on one of the times, the other time I just let it slide and chalked it up to her arrogance.  As far as the Alzheimer's, I know she is getting more forgetful and more paranoid and more agitated all the time............and as this happens, she is so much less tolerable.  Then she comes over to my house today and gives me a big hug and told me she loved me........this after crying and accusations during our meeting.  Normally I have two other women in the meeting that I use as a buffer but neither of them were there today so I told my mom I didn't feel safe in the meeting with her...............probably not a smart thing to say but the truth............she's always so negative at work - the poor employees are living under the scrutiny that I have lived with my whole life.  She doesn't care about them but how they reflect upon her image in our industry.  I realize that she has volunteered for so many committees and boards within the industry but doesn't even know what she is talking about.  She "interviews" our employees who are more knowledgeable about what is going on in the industry then participates in conference calls and uses the stuff that the employees told her as her own expertise.  So I am rambling and I am angry and I so appreciate all of you telling me it is ok to feel this way.  You know, I could take a chance that she will go before my father because he won't disinherit me..