I have been thinking about changing my name here. I took on the moniker Shame Slayer in the spring because several people had suggested that Gaining Strength was past for me. I'm still gaining strength but I decided to take on a name that reflected my greatest challenge - shame. Well it worked. I faced the debilitating shame head on and I did overcome it and it has given me significant relief. The big surprise was that there was still significant paralyzing issues still to tackle. No question that things are better for me and different but something huge must be broken still.
It became clear to me this week that part of that is a HUGE block of self-hatred. I acquired self-hatred directly from my parents. they projected their own self-hatred directly onto me and I took it. And more than that I have taken in any hatred and disparaging stuff from anyone who chose to project it onto me. Like radar I have detected any source of negative thoughts towards me and owned it.
All of this has reared it's head because it is time to break it. It is a very heavy feeling as I face this.
So I wanted to have a different name at this time. But even as I write I am rethinking it all. The name Word Keeper came to me from Ruiz's 4Agreements. The first is to keep your word. The place I fall short in this aspect is primarily in seeing something that I want to do and saying I will do it and being paralyzed out of it. Take my house first and foremost, then take these two business plans. I say I will do A and B and then I am frozen an unable to act. I want to keep my word, have access to my will to be able to follow through. The paralysis comes from deep, early childhood trauma, condemnation. When I called myself Shame Slayer I needed to overcome the binding shame and I did. Now I need to be able to say, think, "I'm going to do that." and be able to follow through. I am able to do that on many things now - where 2 years ago I could follow through on almost nothing. Many things I do now are significant improvements and I am very thankful. I am calmer, kinder, less volatile and those are important improvements in my life. But the real clincher is being able to work and to have a home that is clean and livable and decent enough to have people over.
As I am writing I am deciding that I am going to combine Gaining Strength with Word Keeper.
I so hope to have support from some of you here. The support I have received here in the past has made the changes possible. I need you without question. Thanks
