gjazz, hops, GS and Kell,
Well today is another day and my son does not really give a hoot about the lies. They went to the bus stop together and he didn't say a word. We had a talk about his friend and my son is pretty much on the money with things. This is not the only boy he plays/hangs with. The boys are pretty well rounded and with strong minds. They are not followers (don't get me wrong) they get themselves in trouble but normal trouble. They are your every day kids. The lies have no effects on our children they know what he does and for what reason which it to save his own butt from RAGE.
My friends son is 14 and my son is 13. They all are in that range and I found out that he does talk about his mother often to them. As they call her...*Spazz out* they also know that he works his G'ma and his M. He tells them. He tells them how he has to work one then the other to keep Peace. Peace to him is to stay at G'mas. She a little off the Wall herself.
M and G'ma Dance and the kid is in the middle. G'ma will call M when (the son) is just being a pain in the ass..normal kid stuff. So he gets shipped off to M for and Evil Boot Camp...pure torture..break him down...ship him back...build him up...break him down.
So here is his deal...Either Raging Mom or Consending G'ma when all is not the Nice teen age kid. This kid has built his whole survival on Lies. I do understand why. He has to. Hey my friend was a N in creation as a child from Who? G'ma? G'ma is not a Girl Gma.. she makes that known.. I love the girls but the gson...is *special* and she will say it.
Also they are the two main (parent figures) in his life. No male. No dad. Dad is always reminded to her son he is a drunk, no good, could give a shit less about them...
Now he has two Controlling females (one better then the other) but either not all there and a chess game being played with this kid and his emotions. He does not trust either of them. He has told me this and tells me truth why he ..the word..um.. he has learned his own way of *control*? But he has to. I swear he does. He would crumble if he didn't.
So what do we have here. Yes a very damaged child. His hands are always on his sister when they are together. He has broken his little sisters arm and takes his other sister by the throat... Anger, female? What do you think. He does not put his hands on the boys..he has not control over them and would be ..put back in his place.
He trust his friends, I see. He trust that they will also tell..what he tells..I think..and that Me knows when to step in.
Now the thing is is that I don't know where it comes into play and I am worked into the picture by him sometimes also. I have went at it with his mother before (protective emotionally of them) and I am the only one allowed by her not dragging her kids off to never land and keeping them from an adult that *knows*. Why don't know?don't care. In some ways I think she wants me to parent them sometimes.
Now here is the thing. You made me think gjazz with this statement:
He's lying because he was taught to lie, or because he's scared to death. When I was a kid I lied constantly because the truth--things that mattered to me, dreams, all the things kids should be expressing--were invariably used as weapons against me at home. Replies/responses to his lies can never cut as deep as attacks on his true self. He doesn't trust anyone.
Exactly what he does. Thanks you for this. I do think I know this kids true self. He will not reveal his true self to his family because of exactly what you just wrote. But at the same time and how all Ns have one...true self...low self...I'm not sure if he is so inside himself I fear that he will go N.
Now there are lies all over the place between the family and I'm not quite sure what is going on...but something has. There is intervention now (therapy) in the home with family an child/children. Someone stepped up to the plate.
Now the deal with the discussion of my son telling on therapy and the son saying he is horrified by this... Not true...but I think I know why. Of course M and Gma is part of it and the son, like you say, does not trust them. So he tried to stop it when he realized they all are involved and did it in a panic...he is afraid to talk in front of them. He has been acting for years according to their emotions.
I think I get it. I may not. But this makes sense. You know his attack on us me and my son he somewhat knows he can be safe and his mom will not hesitate to call me ...but I will handle it different. He took the pressure off himself and laid it in an Adults hands..who can take on his mom or not and to know when and when not.
I think he has a good shot at being saved. He is 14 and I have hope.
Our kids know the deal. They are not with blinders on their eyes. We are open with them on Real Serious Problems with in their friends family unit.
I think that friendships are very important. Don't get me wrong I would rip my kid away from a friendship that was harmfull in a hot minute. But our kids are good kids and this one wants to be with them. They would not go his way. That is fine with me. He is showing good choice with this but dangling on the edge to be lost...They are hanging on to him/understanding and calling him out on things, as they say.
I will watch like a hawk for now. The friends may just be his life line from kid to kid talk with other normal parents to guide them when they don't know what to do. He trust some people. To fend him off now..well...we would be telling him exactly what his parents have...bad kid. He's not. He's a damaged kid heading towards danger...and hanging on at the same time.
Right now everything is done with our children through Guidance. They don't have the knowledge or the experience or even what N is, like we do here. And I'm not sure he is, yet.
Our children feel this way also..Long talk with them.
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I'm only saying, be the very best person you can be, and this poor child will have something to look at other than his own experience.
Kid needs a chance. I don't really know what I'm doing...but it feels right.
Love
Deb
