N's lack self-awareness, acceptance and tolerance?

[Dawning]

Hi everyone.  I was wondering if we could get into a discusion about N's lacking self-awarenss, acceptance and tolerance. What does it mean to be self-aware?  For me, it seems to start with the knowledge and/or feeling of one's own strengths and weaknesses, and not feeling like the weaknesses need to be covered up by an endless blame game.  How wonderful it would be if N's could simply say that they made a mistake and simply move on.  Why can't they do that?  My mother drives me crazy - preaching to me about forgiveness and appropriate response when she is a classic example of unforgiveness and acting out.  If I said to her that it seems like she is not holding herself accountable for what she hold me accountable for, she will begin acting completely hostile, mean and threatening - and this happens in the space of one second.  My "boss" is like this too. 

I would appreciate hearing all voices who care to chime in with anything they care to write about this topic.

Love,
Dawning.

[seasons]

Hi Dawning,

 How wonderful it would be if N's could simply say that they made a mistake and simply move on.  Why can't they do that?

I agree it would be wonderful. Sadly they are incapable and it is painful and frustating.


My mother drives me crazy - preaching to me about forgiveness and appropriate response when she is a classic example of unforgiveness and acting out.  If I said to her that it seems like she is not holding herself accountable for what she hold me accountable for, she will begin acting completely hostile, mean and threatening - and this happens in the space of one second.  My "boss" is like this too. 

Classic nacissistic personality.  Your words are so familiar. It is amazing the destruction they can do to you in a split second.

I'm sorry((( Dawning ))) that you are experiencing this in you life. With care, seasons

I copied this from "what helps" on this board from Leah.

Maybe this book might be helpful to you and your many questions of why we do walk on eggshells!

Excerpt from "Stop Walking on Eggshells"

Everything is Your Fault

Continual blame and criticism is another defense mechanism that some people with BPD who act out - use as a survival tool.

If you object to the criticism or try to defend yourself, then the person with BPD will accuse you of being defensive, being too sensitive, or unable to accept constructive criticism.

Since their very survival seems at stake, they may defend themselves with the ferociousness of a mother bear protecting her cubs.

When the crisis has passed and the person with BPD seems to have 'won' - they may act surprised that you're still upset.

You, of course, feel worse.  Only now, you also feel baffled because the person with BPD doesn't seem to understand the impact of what they've done.

You may also feel frustrated because they never seem to accept responsibility for their own behaviour. 

This cycle happens again and again.


Just about sums up, validates, it all.   

Leah x

[Gaining Strength]

Blah, Blah, Blah.  It never gets any easier to read about Ns or what they are like.  It still sickens me. 

Great sympathy for you Dawning.  The insanity of the Ns is indescribable.

[debkor]

Hey Dawning,

I have found that the N I know is self aware.  She does say she's sorry and simply moves on.  She knows it's a mistake or wrong and is capable of saying it but not feeling it. 

I can't explain what I mean maybe no remorse or no repent like we spoke of in another thread.  I think TT did a post.  So her thoughts tell her Mistake sorry and No  ..head to heart feelings I guess. 

Wouldn't matter who was falling down around her from pain that she caused.  She would know it.  Say it. And not feel it and do it again..same pattern.  And that is only when she admits to it.  And she does admit sometimes just feels nothing like normal people would.  Unless of course she is the one feeling pain and it would come out in rage.

Love
Deb

[ann3]

This realization hit me very hard today & I think it applies here:

I think the worst thing about Ns is that they cannot accept people as they are.  IMO, I think Ns' inability to accept other people as they are (and their inability to accept reality as it exists) is the root core of their downfall.

Also, Ns cannot accept people as they are because Ns cannot accept themselves as they are.  So, the Ns' inner self hatred is projected on everyone else.

Because my N parents didn't accept themselves, they were not able to accept me and so I have never felt acceptable, never felt 'good enuf', I have never accepted myself, which left me very codependent, feeling incomplete, defective, etc & this left me open to abuse.

Now, I'm really working on accepting others as they are, accepting reality as it is and accepting myself as I am.  For me, part of this work has involved learning about & enforcing boundaries, detaching & giving up my impulse to change people & things.  

So, accept Ns as they are because we can't change them and decide if & how you want them in your life.

ann

[dandylife]

Ann, you wrote: "I think the worst thing about Ns is that they cannot accept people as they are.  IMO, I think Ns' inability to accept other people as they are (and their inability to accept reality as it exists) is the root core of their downfall. Also, Ns cannot accept people as they are because Ns cannot accept themselves as they are.  So, the Ns' inner self hatred is projected on everyone else."

Ann, I think your statement above is very wise. It has to do with the "splitting" - the black/white thinking. With my N/BPD partner, he sees his current reality as either all good or all bad, or in his words "a disaster, disgusting..." whatever exaggerated words he can come up with. He never sees the 99 good things that are happening, only the 1 bad thing and he can't tolerate that, so everything becomes black and horrible. (seriously. This is the way it is moment to moment.) The only time he really gets cheery is if he's "on" - performing, even if we have visitors, but then I never know if it's all a veneer anyway.

And with people - it's the same thing. They can do 99 nice, great, wonderful things. But the one thing they do that proves them human makes them "bad" - to him. Even though he has done 10 times worse things - he still will judge others as "bad". It's interesting.....but really frustrating. You point this out to them and maybe a lightbulb goes off for 3 seconds, and then they are back in the same track and doing it again with the next thing/person. It's weird. Like they are incapable of learning.

Good points, very good topic,

Dandylife