Variou$ woe$ and some happine$$ too

[CB123]

Hops,

I agree with Ann.

Your family has put you in an impossible situation, and you are trying to make it work.  If you have had your hands tied from evey possible direction (your brother has poisoned the nursing home against you, your mother has crafted a secret will, other family members are brazenly badmouthing you to your mom), you are not to blame if you can't provide optimal care for your mom.

Thre is no question that you have done an incredible job of caring for your mother (98 years old is an unusual life span for someone with her health--I doubt she could have achieved it without your devotion.)  You are not to blame for what has transpired since then--she has sabotaged her own care, and you are trying to pick up the pieces with your own effort. 

Sometimes a person's greatest strength becomes their greatest weakness.  You are the most compassionate person I believe I have ever met...but I think you are losing perspective on what is truly your responsibility--and also what is your greatest reward.  More important than the perfect nursing home or the ownership of your childhood home is the day to day peace that you need to be whole.  All any of us has is this day:  you have put so much peace on hold, in the hopes that there will come a day of peace for you when this is all behind you. 

I would bet money that if you were suddenly able to be transported into a simpler lfe--no conflict, no worries about the house, living simply and within the means that one job can afford--that you would be amazed at how much pressure you are living under now. 

You will find your way, Hops.  But I sooooo wish you could have the years ahead filled with as much peace as you can harvest after your long years caring for your mom. 

Much, much love,
CB

[sKePTiKal]

OH HOPS.... I'm sorry to hear this news.

Have you communicated with the patient advocate (if one exists) at the nursing home? Medicare? Social Security? To explain that you are now in financial distress? I have heard, that it's not always the case anymore that a home needs to be sacrificed before qualifying for aid. I think there is help out there, if you're ready to start looking and asking. However, I don't know how things are further complicated by your brother, etc in getting assistance. The advice to start by asking your lawyer, is probably the best.

Worst case scenario: let's say there just isn't any help due bureaucratic roadblocks. You're between a rock and a hard place and will necessarily have to make a decision - some decision - about what to do. Between now and the time you're totally forced to make a decision, gather as much info (and help) as you can find. I don't think you have the luxury of a lot of time, from your description. I'm far from an expert on this topic... but it looks like you are being squeezed into an either/or choice:

capitulate to your brother and sell the house
move your mother to a less expensive nursing home

That's all the options I can see - but I know from hard-knocks & hindsight that there is at least ONE other option; one other possibility. Sometimes even more than one... consider everything, no matter how "far-fetched"... even lottery tickets. I'll send you one for luck! Is home care less expensive? Or is that no longer possible?

I guess there will be complaints from your mom, if you move her. And the explanation necessarily includes dealing with the legal struggle that she created for you. I seriously doubt that there is any way she could correct that now - without additional challenges from your brother. Even if she were motivated.

Maybe Ann and CB have a point. Maybe it's time for you to run away from this mess; GIVE UP. Just to free yourself from the struggle you didn't deserve. It might be a greater gift than even defeating your brother and gaining the house. What are the possibilities that open up in that scenario?

[Gaining Strength]

I'm in there with you Hops on finding a way to keep your house.  I see this as worth fighting to the death for.  I know I would if I were in your place.

Here is the only thing that I can see though I feel foolish for even risking frustrating you by suggesting it but is it possible that the minister/clergyperson can pay other bills for you up to an amount that would be rent appropriate. Could they help pay some of your mother's care bills?  I suspect you have already figured this every which way to Sunday but just in case you hadn't I put it out there.

I do wish - in the "caught in the insanity" way that someone could reach your brother and show him how calling off the dog's would help each and everyone of you in the long run - saving his share of the estate and switching the house to your name so the medicare would kick in and on and on.  That is the stuff I get hung up on - what SHOULD be rather than what is.

My heart is with you and I am holding you in my mind's eye as I imagine a Gordian knot unraveling to leave a place of peace.  Love to you in these trying times.

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Hops

Love to you

I agree with Ann, who was agreed with also by CB. They have said it all and I'm sorry to see that you are in such a mess.

When I learned/realized/could see that my siblings and deceased parents were not the perfect people My mind had been telling me and I was the 'bad' one I was finally free. I was the scapegoat burdened with the dysfunction of 6 other people and sent off "in the wilds alone".

When I really saw that they were less than perfect, I was freed. Oh such a good feeling! But it is mind-boggaling to see what family members will do to one another.

Oh How I wish you could free yourself of the burdens you carry.

Love
Izzy

[ann3]

Hi Everyone,

I'm happy to see my bluntness didn't turn everyone off, but we've yet to hear from Hops.

CB's & Izzy's post made me think of something which my T said to me recently:  As far as my 'function' in my foo, I was the one who didn't need help (& therefore didn't get help) but, I was expected to give help to members of my foo.  To me, this sounds like the position that Hops is in:  Your mother didn't give you the help you need (ie: ensuring you would get the house) but, you are expected to help your mother by paying for her care with money that you don't have.  This is an impossible situation.  And, Izzy's painful, yet liberating revelation of looking at her siblings today and seeing them as they really are.  I suppose the truth is reveled thru these real life situations, which can prove to be emotionally devastating.  But, I think it is better for us to face the truth instead of languishing in the fiction of how we wish things could be.

Hops, I know you love your house, so I suppose the underlying theme here, like GS said, is to fight like hell to keep it.  But, (bluntness coming........), I fear you may not be able to keep the house if you continue paying money, which you don't have, for the nursing home.

Phoenix raises a good point re: find out if the house must be sacrificed in order to get aid for your mother's nursing home.  But, just to clarify:  When Phoenix said "Give Up", I think she meant give up trying to keep your mother in a facility you can't afford, not give up your quest to keep the house.

w/ love,
ann

[Hopalong]

I love bluntness! Thank you, all of you.
You are writing on the wall for me to read and I really am grateful.

I can't tell you how much it helps to have loving but objective friends here who look at things as they are.

Here's the thing. There IS no cheaper place. She's already in the most modestly priced one I'd feel safe having her in. One thing did occur to me, I wondered if I could ask my minister's wife if she'd like to care for my mother here at home (she is a retired hospice nurse) with my help in the evenings. And then, they could live here rent-free for the entire two years.

I don't really think she would want to do this. She's retired and has a bad knee. But it might be an option. And then the money situation would be resolved. To everyone's benefit. But I think I'll make the offer: she can get the knee done first and I'll help her recuperate, then we can bring Mom home and she can be in charge, with me taking over just on the nights she and her hubby go out.

I think it's one good idea. And there may be more.

I feel optimistic again. May have an interview for a simple second job...just registering patients in the evening at a facility that runs around the clock. I could do that with no problem.

So all will be well.

I just had dinner with new pal. We went to the grocery store to get the ingredients for make-it-yourself laundry detergent, which I'm very psyched about. Simple things like that make me happy. As does he

Life is weird.
You all are loving wonderful people, and generous.

thank you, dears...

xxxooo
Hops

[gjazz]

Wow, Hops, that would be great.  Maybe she'll be up for it.  With everything that's going on in the economy right now, a blended household might be a welcome thing all around.  And great to hear you sounding upbeat.  Way to go. 

[Hopalong]

I'm turning frugality into a game, of sorts.
I actually enjoy discoveries like this because it feels like beating the consumerist propaganda. The money saved is big!
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Your-Own-Laundry-Soap

A jar of coconut oil has done good things for my skin...Dr. Bronner's is my only soap/shave gel...I just got new reading glasses from the Dollar Store...I clean with white vinegar and baking soda, not those expensive chemicals...hmmm, what else...I'm cooking quinoa all the time.

AMAZING breakfast I had the other day:
bowl of cooked quinoa mixed with:
dried cranberries
spoonful of apple butter
pine nuts

OH that was good. Fueled me better than any packaged cereal I've eaten.

Small pleasures and these discoveries cheer me BIG.

love
Hops

[gjazz]

Awesome.  I like to think of myself as frugal.  My friends say, "you are not frugal.  You are F****** CHEAP."  I am.  It's true.  I'll try the coconut oil...I use olive oil because it's so plentiful around here.  I also use cucumber (I grow them) and melon (grow them too) on my face for masks and whatnot (I freeze individual batches in ziplock bags).  I use vinegar against weeds and for pickling.  Made my last batch of tomato sauce today, it lasts me all winter (grow those too).  BUT.  I have the WORST effing eating habits.  I love crap.  Love it.  Butter, cheese, pizza, burgers, bread.  I mean, I eat properly sometimes.  But if there wasn't that little guilt voice in my head I'd be all over the bacon, all the time.  So I admire your resolve.

[gjazz]

May I add one thing in relation to the happiness part of this thread?  I got to laughing after posting that last message, because for the first time I really thought about my move from NYC to CA ten years ago.  One of my reasons was fear of another winter.  I'd come down with pneumonia the previous three, and had a lot of scarring on my lungs.  I'm 5'8" and wore a size 4-6, sometimes an 8.  I had to go right to the doctor and he said: "you must gain some weight."  He worried about anorexia and bulimia and whatnot but all I had was depression, I'm one of those who will NOT eat if I'm depressed.  So I said, "OK, and went to lunch over in Napa."  Six months later, he said, "doing great!"  A year later he said, "OK, that's fine, you can stop."  A year after that he said, "um, really, you should stop."  He's this skinny thing, big on cardio and all manner of healthy living.  Well I am sorry, but I'd found FOOD.  This place is foodie mecca.  The year after that he sighed, put the chart down and said, "you really could lose a few pounds." 

Ha!  No way Jose.

[ann3]

Hops,

Sounds like a great plan with the minister's wife.  Hope you let us know what she says.

xoxo,
ann

[Hopalong]

I will, definitely...here is where I tell ALL.

Gjass, hah, c'mon now, you want to be healthy, eh? Foodie-ism's contagious, it can be veggie-glam food if you like.

What cured me of bacon was BABE. Only movie I've ever owned.
I'm in love with animals anyway, so going (mostly) vegetarian wasn't hard. My daughter led the way.

Once I stopped eating meat for a few months, the taste began to feel unnatural anyhow.
I register it's "yummy" but I now have the animal's life & death so imprinted that it's no fun anymore.
Not worth the sadness.

The few times lately I've slipped and had a poultry sandwich I sit at my desk apologizing to the turkey.

If you WANT to go meatless, try reading up just a little on factory farming. That'll do it.

That's pretty funny about the evolution in your doctor's advice.

You sound like somebody with hunger for life.

yay,
Hops

[gjazz]

I agree with you on factory farming.  And I've been meatless in the past.  Not now, but I hear you.  Healthy?   I don't always care as much as I should.  I do like to exercise.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a good solution to your situation soon.  Do let us know.

Hunger for life--sometimes.  Sometimes can barely get out of bed.  That's the way it goes!

[Overcomer]

It is all a part of life isn't it?  Just when you think things are going well, BAAM someone sticks it to you.  And just when you weigh the perfect weight BAAM your hormones catch up to you and you gain weight.  Just when your life is going well, some stupid thing happens.  But what I am figuring out is how I handle those setbacks determine how my life plays out.  Optimism is such a great thing.  If you can do something to pull yourself out it is huge!!!

Hops, that job sounds great.  The $500 you need to make ends meet.  The boyfriend.............fun...................

[Gaining Strength]

A jar of coconut oil has done good things for my skin...Dr. Bronner's is my only soap/shave gel...I just got new reading glasses from the Dollar Store...I clean with white vinegar and baking soda, not those expensive chemicals...hmmm, what else...I'm cooking quinoa all the time.

AMAZING breakfast I had the other day:
bowl of cooked quinoa mixed with:
dried cranberries
spoonful of apple butter
pine nuts

OMG Hops - I use the coconut oil on my skin too.  It has begun to fade a couple of age spots.  My son loves the fragrance!
I love quinoa - never tried it for breakfast though - sounds GREAT!!!

gjazz - coconut oil has more properties than simply moisturizing - it has anti fungal and other healing properties.  Google it and see.

Have cleaned with white vinegar and soda for several years - love it.

Can't wait to try making detergent - Keep posting these tips  I love them!!!!!
You are becoming my model for overcoming.

I think bringing your mother home is the perfect solution.  I believe it will work because it makes sense - it is so perfect.  I choose to believe it will work.  God bless you Hops.  You are inspiring me to feel great about life.