Are we there yet?

[Gaining Strength]

I have been weaning myself from coming here.  I feel like I am watching something I love die a slow death and it is very, very painful to me.  I come by maybe once a day and maybe once every other day and just log in and then check out.  I don't even read each time I come.

I continue to make progress but it is a spiraling effect.  I feel stronger and then I go through a dip in which the profound fears of alienation and rejection and double binds returns.  But with these feelings, memories are coming now and with the memories I can use the EFT to help process them and move on.  The memories are so extremely painful and I dare not share them even here because still only a few can understand why seemingly inadvertant incidents are more about the pattern and the slow drip which has a devastating effect only over the constant repetition.  The memories are not things that would effect a balance adult but I was not a balanced adult when they happened and the pain is astonishingly real.

[ann3]

But with these feelings, memories are coming now and with the memories I can use the EFT to help process them and move on.  The memories are so extremely painful and I dare not share them even here because still only a few can understand why seemingly inadvertant incidents are more about the pattern and the slow drip which has a devastating effect only over the constant repetition.  The memories are not things that would effect a balance adult but I was not a balanced adult when they happened and the pain is astonishingly real.


GS,

I have the same thing.  I found that the only thing that helps with this is to tell the story to your T and that way, you can process it.  If you do not verbalize it, if you do not tell your story, then it stays locked within you & we carry it around.  I just did this yesterday:  Told my T many upsetting stories, we talked, reframed, taped on it, etc.  Now, having done that, I feel better, I feel lighter, carry one less bag or a smaller bag.  I know I can never fix these things, but since I acknowledged the problem, the pain, fear, saddness & loss by 'processing' it with my T, it's easier to accept reality and I feel validated, which makes me feel understood and acknowledged and it makes me feel like I know who I am, where I must go, what I must do.  The floor beneath my feet feels firmer.

xoxo,
ann

[Hopalong]

Hi ((((GS))))

I have wanted to recommend this to you, maybe I did some time back.
Her first entry (Feb 2006) made me think of you. I'm ordering her book:

www.wanderingscribe.blogspot.com

love to you,
Hops

[Lupita]

Thank you PR for this thread.

I am doing fine. This is as good as it gets. I ahve a jopb where my boss backs me up, my coworkers are very descent, the students are disrespetful everywhere.

I rent a condo on the beach, a dream come true. I am going to play my second cantata at the church.

I have a boyfriend. I do not crave for him, I do not feel passion and that is a good thing too. I think.

So, a lot of progress in my life and all I owe to this board, because my eyes were opened here and of course I did a lot of work on my own, but I got the head start here. If I never found this place I would neevr be improving like I am doing now.

Love to you all.

[sKePTiKal]

Still wasn't able to log in here from work last week.

I'm in a new place. A place of calm, where space - time seem to expand in proportion to how well I define the boundaries of my "self" - perceptually (my psychic state), emotionally, inter-relationally. I have been accustomed to being in adrenalin overdrive, most of my life - and having it NEVER be enough to "get it all done" or to satisfy the demons of do-do-do or being the magnet-victim for whatever negativity is around me. No matter what's going on around me, I am not affected, as long as I maintain an active awareness of my self - within the safety of my body. Now.

Instead of maintaining solid steel emotional boundaries with everyone (and pretending I'm not)... I'm able to selectively choose to make that boundary permeable, with people I trust. I'm working on new stuff now:

The broad category, I'm calling self-determination... but determination of what my self is, is more descriptive. What I like, what I want, what I want to do... instead of relying 100% on feedback from others to tell me who I am, I'm figuring this out for myself. I'm homing in on what my "natural" emotional state is... instead of the one I experienced as a reaction to abusive environments. Sort of like moving out of bubble of emotion, habit, routines that I desperately clung to... to protect myself... out of fear of the damned memory (that I didn't remember) of what had happened. I didn't go insane when I remembered. I didn't become a permanent emotional cripple - once I remembered; or a blubbering, rageful psychopath... on a rampage. I'm not socially acceptable, because I was abused.

It happened and I was able to deal with it. Time to finally move on...

So I wonder if I'll figure out the answer to WHY I wasn't allowed to remember - know - experience the emotions/thoughts - of what really happened to me, in 68-69? I'm still leaning toward another projective explanation for this... that it was unbearable for my MOTHER... so she couldn't allow me to be who I was... with my memory, emotions... and since she "doesn't remember" these days... I guess I'll have to let the "why" go, because I need to be able to see clearly now, the paths that opening up under my feet.

[CB123]

that it was unbearable for my MOTHER

PR,

I'll bet that that is a LOT of what was going on in her.  I am trying to imagine what kind of pain would be worse than knowing that my child had suffered what you did, and that my behavior had set the stage for it.  Your assault could have been random as so many are, but yours was retaliatory and I don't know how she could have faced that head on.

That's not to excuse her by any means.  What she did to cover up the whole thing was morally abominable.  It is just one more thing that points up how memories (or lack of them) is used to buffer us from unbearable shame and pain.  And if we don't remember, or acknowledge, what we can't bear to see, we will passionately defend our version of the truth--because, to us, it IS truth. 

This is all what I am grappling with right now.  It makes me think of the movie, Matrix.  If we have constructed a world that protects us from the ugliness of life, can someone logically talk us out of it?  Is there any point in trying?  If the person we are across the table from, trying to connect with, is living in such a carefully constructed world--how can we have a meaningful connection with them, if they wont let it go?  What if they can't let it go, for all the reasons that you hung onto Twiggy?  What kind of relationship can you possibly have with them? 

More than that:  what if everyone does it?  How do we connect with anyone?

This is the point at which I throw my hands up in exasperation and resolve to bury myself in my books and solitude.  But I don't--I keep trying. 

Thanks for all of your transparency here on the board, PR.  I have learned from you.

Love
CB

[ann3]

that it was unbearable for my MOTHER

This too really resonates with me for multiple reasons & on multiple levels, can't really articulate all the 'whys' & 'hows', but seems we lived our lives to please others, to please our mothers and we, our 'I' & our 'me', were lost.

We abandoned our 'I' & our 'me' to lessen the pain of our mother and to lessen the pain of others, so PR, can really relate that you are now at a stage where you are figuring what you like & want.  Boy, it's taken so long to get to that point, when it should have been automatic.  But, forget the "should", we're doing it NOW!!

PR, you sound fantastic.  Congrats.

xoxo,
ann

[Hopalong]

I'm homing in on what my "natural" emotional state is... instead of the one I experienced as a reaction

What a lovely, lovely line to read.
It's like you're greeting yourself.

Peacefully. Or, with curiosity instead of dread.

KUDOS.

xxoo, (((Amber)))

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks, everyone... my inability to bring up the board at work feels like I've been missing a lot here. I've sent a message to Dr G, to see if it's something he can fix; it doesn't seem to be anything at school.

Things - both life things and situations and inner work - are moving really, really fast. It's really hard to come back and even pick up the thread of what I was working on... that you all have responded to with such great feedback... and connect it with my "now".
And I want so much to have the time, to check in on other people's threads and see how everyone is doing... maybe later.

CB: the issue of connecting... and how... and how much... for me, becomes work on boundaries. Hops: that natural emotional state is also an exploration of what my "natural" boundaries are... instead of the reactionary steel gates that I used for so long to "defend" myself. I started out from the position of not feeling "permitted" to have normal boundaries and then reacting by withdrawing into the "safety" of a seige tower... and have been working for so long on gradually defining "me"... separating out what was projected, getting to know the real "me" again... so much so, that I think I might be overcompensating.

In other words, I'm so focussed on boundaries... that I'm overlooking connecting to important people in my life... or simply forgetting to... not making time. It was like days (more like months & years) of gentle rain after a long, long period of drought to feel it was OK - and even important - to spend all this time on myself. And even then, I was approaching this from the perspective of needing to erect, maintain and stand watch over those boundaries.

My hubby's had enough, already. We talked about it... and agreed that my boundaries are thick steel walls, with an alligator-filled moat around them. This is still a defensive position. He suggested I think of a boundary as a fence. Fences have gates. People can be invited inside the gates... and I can go out. This is really important for me... a boundary is a demarcation or definition. Just a line in the sand. Me, not you. But for an "us" to exist, it must be possible to go in and out of the gate... to be on both sides of the fence without fear, or defensiveness.

Lately, my image of boundaries has evolved into the "bubble" - a membrane that's transparent and permeable. Emotions are like the gate in the fence or like the spaces between the cells of membrane/bubble... and when I can learn that it's OK to share emotions with people I trust (and even some I don't) without apologizing or diminishing my own expression of my feelings and thoughts... without caring how I am judged... then, I think I'll be "there". I went through some experiences of this back when I dealing with the old anger triggers... and like an awkward fledgling, sure 'nuff I hurt some people's feelings... expressed my anger with full force of the old wounds in situations that weren't nearly so significant. Trying to find a balance... my natural emotion versus a programmed reaction. Still. Isn't everyone?

Lines in sand and cell membrances are flexible and fluid... one minute stronger in a place... the next minute, more permeable. Boundaries are like this... too. There's no permanent boundary engraved in granite... and as my experience of my self evolves, so do those boundaries, I guess.

But instead of looking at, thinking about, and feeling "boundaries" from a defensive perspective... I'm working on doing this from a positive one and looking for those opportunities to use that gate in the fence more often. My "external" life - the things I'm now involved in - are practically pushing me along in this direction and I'm having to learn by the seat of my pants, on the fly... learn by doing... and ya know what? I think "there" is a moving target!

I'll be back as soon as I can. Hops, I'll be thinking of you a lot this week. The hearing on the house is Friday, isn't it? I hope so much that the matter is FINALLY resolved, once and for all and that you experience justice. I miss being able to talk to everyone... and I need to catch up with what's going on with everyone.

[Ami]

I think boundaries are thick walls when we reject ourselves. I think as  I love myself more, I get more vulnerable. I can be more real.
     Ami