People can really fool themselves as to their OWN intentions.
So true.
Thank you for the replies. I did not see them as being critical and I appreciate the feedback. I also have alot of faith in the responses I've received here over the years, and most of them have been incredibly helpful. I think, as a person who has felt voiceless in life, that I can share my voice here in an honest manner. So, thank you again to *all* the responses.
I met a man several months ago, when I was new to this town, who helped me in every way he could...but expected a full blown-out steady relationship in return - on his terms. He lives with his nephew in a trailer park and refused to bring me over for a visit right from the beginning. Once, when we were out, he got angry and thought I was flirting with somone...he came back to my place and let himself in (the door was unlocked) and passed out, after breaking one of my wine glasses. Another couple took me home. I refused to see him. He apologized and we took a trip to LA together, and he paid for everything. He often complained about his manual labour job and the treatment he received from his boss. I told him that, instead of complaining that he should empower himself. What I did not see was that, more and more, I felt he was getting dependent on me for counseling and help. I told him not to call me and I started seeing other people. Once, he came over, "with a buzz on," he said, and didn't make any sense at all. After I basically kicked him out, he called me three times and left long voicemails throughout the entire evening and up until around 2am. I agreed to meet him and he brought his dog along and a bouquet of flowers. I told him that I felt we could not effectively communicate but that he has alot of potential and that I felt he should get more education in order to get a more rewarding job. I then took him to meet an artist friend of mine, and he (in front of my friend) accused me of being a horrible, insensitive person in front of my friend while telling my friend (in front of me) how much he loved me. Then, he became verbally abusive to me, so I got up to leave. He forced himself in my car and threatened several times to jump out. He burned a cigarette on the palm of his hand, and threatened to have me kicked out of town. He kept using the expression, "game on," which I did not understand at all. At this point, I retreated far, far away from him and started to see other people and fill my life as best I could. However, because I was (and still am in many ways) in a very vulnerable positoin and haven't met any real friends, I began to call him again, with the caveat that I felt he had issues and that I would help him - especially if he wanted to take some courses or apply for entrance into a junior college. I told him that I would type his letter as he can't use a keyboard. I intuitively knew that he and I were at different stages of awareness and I continued to reach out in order to meet friends, not a guy necessarily. But, as time progressed, I increasingly started to realize that he wanted "things," when he wanted them, and on his terms. When I tried to bring up my feelings, he screamed at me on the phone and wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise, all the while saying that he was the good person and that I had "zero compassion."
I say all this in the past tense because it hit a crescendo yesterday evening. I asked him earlier in the week if he wanted to go hiking and he said, "maybe." Yesterday he called and wanted to know if I could meet last night for a "conversation." I said that I had plans. Then, he screamed at me and said that I lied to him; he wanted me to help him when he put his dog to sleep, and that I had gone against my word. I ended up having to leave him a voicemail explaining what I couldn't explain because he was never letting me speak. He called at 830pm and said "goodbye." I guess that is the end of it.
I don't know what "white trash" means to some people...so I googled it. And then I wrote here.
It is the same old thing with me...wanting to help people get over their issues so they can lead more productive lives. I need to concentrate on myself and my own issues. I KNOW that. But I am new here and finding it hard to make real friends. When this man doesn not feel threatened, he is fun to be around but I can't give him what he wants. And when he doesn't get what he wants, he lashes out. That scares me and, more and more, I realize that I am not responsible for helping him become a happier person. So I have to let go. I've never met anyone like this man (except my mother, perhaps.) Maybe he fits the stereotype of "white trash," but I think he is really, really immature - like my mom. And there is only so much I can do.
In the meantime, I am very tired of all this crazy drama and I broke my little toe last night when I was so upset and ran into my house too fast. My life is so complicated and weird at the moment...I need islands of sanity. Instead, I feel like I am walking on eggshells around a man who has issues of his own that he can't look at. I can't make him look at those, obviously. I can't fix him. The hardest thing is that he feels I am the one who is mean and lacking in compassion. When I meet people like this, I feel a little kernel of anger too. Moral of the story: be aware of how loneliness and vulnerability can lead people to make mistakes - that is what I think we would all do well to realize. Thank you...I now see that I should have compassion for myself. I hope he realizes that one day too.
Dawning.
