Hi Iz and CB,
I am glad you enjoyed that post. My H and I had a lot of fun discussing your topic Iz.
I never heard of the different base systems until my H. Basic math got me through as well. In fact, I am a sort of a data analyst/writer now. I analyze 1000s of pages of data and statistical output and am required to summarize the trends across all that data in a report. Been doing this now for ~20 years, and basic math was all I needed (with a little stats thrown in – but basic stats – no use of different base systems – thank goodness).
I agree CB – I think the different math base systems are analogous to different communication styles. And in thinking of it in these terms, it takes the heat out of it a bit?
Sometimes I think we all have our own base language systems – some are closer to others. I think the mark of a good relationship is how much each is willing to take the time to understand the other’s system as best as you can – and to recognize, sometimes, the base systems won’t always meet or be recognized and that is ok too; not always easy in the short run – but ok.
If I take it a step further, the Ns/Ps also have their own base system; however, they expect everyone around them to conform to their base system, never explain it, and ignore the basic truths of math to constantly mutate their base system to suit their own agenda at any given time (ie., one day their math base is equivalent to 1+1=5 and another it is 1+2= 5 – and you better know this ahead of time, and not argue!). Did that sound bitter? Wasn’t intended to – I have just been very well versed in how difficult it is to maintain my own base system and understand an N’s base system (if possible) at the same time.
…it assumes that the strength of the relationship is not built on understanding each other, but on accepting each other.
This really jumped out at me .... it makes a lot of sense. And ultimately, I would rather have a relationship built on acceptance first … with a foundation of acceptance …… the willingness to understand comes more fluidly I think.
A few months ago, I think I shared here something that I had read about understanding. That an author I was reading said that no one ever really understands us. Not really. If we insist on that, we will hit constant dead ends in our relationships. What that is really saying is that no one really sees our perception of truth. What that means to me is NOT that I give up on the existence of truth, but rather on the experience of knowing it.
I believe this. I would say that I have to give up on completely knowing someone else’s truth but will continue to search for mine. I may have enough glimmers to understand someone else's truth on some levels, but I will never truly understand where they are coming from. I think the flip side of that is vital too - the expectation that others understand my truth (if I expect this, I am certainly bound for disappointment) …
I wonder if our deep grief and disappointment about that is the reason so many of us on this board either avoid or struggle with close relationships?
For me, I think I gave up a long time ago on being completely understood or attempting to understand someone else completely, so I am not sure that I grieve this, although it would be nice to have this depth of knowing with someone else wouldn't it?
My H and I certainly don't have this. Although where we are today in understanding each other is so much further than where we were a year into our relationship.
These days, my struggle/avoidance with relationships in 3D stems from not trusting my own base system. In my childhood I was constantly told that my base system was wrong. Then in my late teens/early 20s, I was in bad relationship – there were red flags and warning signs, but I ignored them (or had been trained to ignore them), and after he got violent, it was the final straw - I lost trust in myself. I spent 10 years alone (no dating), going to therapy, and sorting through a lot before I risked dating my H. It took a long time for me to learn to trust my base system – and I still don’t trust it completely – remnants from my FOO.
As always CB and Iz – you have me thinking. Thank you.
Love you guys,
Peace
