Appropriate assertiveness.

[Lupita]

Hello friends. I donot know anything about assertiveness.
If somebody has something to share, I would appreciate it.

Can anybody post something they know?

Thanks.

Lupita.

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Lupita

Someone will come with a more experienced outlook than mine, but here goes...

I say assertiveness is when you stand your ground in a nice way for what you believe, and one usually follows the boundaries one has already set.  "Aggressiveness is  'angry assertiveness"... IMO

Without boundaries, keeping people out of our personal space, we can be walked all over and then hate ourselves afterward.


My big one was when a woman at work grabbed my wheelchair, said it was her time with John in the Office and dragged me across the corridor and outside, then went back into the building.

My wheelchair is part of me. She touched me without asking!
What she did was unkind, as though I were not human, but a "mutt who wandered in from the street".

I came home and sent her an email, CCd the Treasurer, John. who witnessed this, and to the President.

I said that I could have her charged with assault for that. (& Battery would be if she hit me) That my chair was  a part of me and I would see to my moving about, that I doubted she would take a walking person by the arm and physically drag them across the corridor and outside.--(One boundary mentioned that is wrong is touching a person without his/her permission.)

Nothing came of it. I had spoken my piece, yet another time, my chair was angled in front of a desk drawer and she said, "I will just move you over a bit". I said, "No you won't. I will move myself!" and I did... so she could access the drawer. (With a walking person she would likely have asked them to step over a bit..IMO) I had 'leveled her with a look" at this point and although I have received no apology from her, I hear she is 'afraid of me'.

I doubt she really understands what she did, but I stood up for myself and I felt good.

Does that make sense?

There were no raised voices, no anger, just statements and mine were to assert my position, my boundaries, on her actions.

xx
Izzy


EDIT] My feeling is that if I had returned to the building to be assertive, it would appear to be more confrontational, as though I were looking for a fight, so I left it to email

[teartracks]

Dear Lupita,

Lack of assertiveness is evident when my desire to please the other person overrides a higher, and in my mind a more self honoring goal not to go along to get along.  If the person has no concern or consideration for where my interests lie, why should I repeatedly get drawn into their agenda? The tell tale clincher is if I am angry or resentful at them during and or after the event.  Or if I find myself expressing frustration and blame about it to someone else who is not part of the problem or the solution.  I think it requires the development of a keener since of alertness to head them off at the pass rather than getting  drawn into their web or agenda.   If you know there will be an aftermath of regret, anger, resentment or the feeling of being used, then just and say no and let the chips fall where they may.  If it seems ackward at first, that's OK.  Tweak as you go along.  Soon it will all feel appropriate and natural and not ackward any more.

tt

[lighter]

Lupita:

Hops had some good information on that.  She suggested taking a workshop, as well.

Maybe you could go tuck into a cozy bookstore and look over their wares, on the subject?

Select one that really speaks to you?

Lighter