Pushing forward in healing

[sKePTiKal]

Good going, GS! I know what you mean - I just use different terms... shifting the center of my "gravity" of self from Lbrain, to a bit more Rbrain... looking for the new balance.

Some days are better than others - and I'm still falling into the "traps" of habit/routine bad-thinking/feeling... but the L-Rbrain concepts are really making a difference - a positive one - in how trapped I am; how long I'm spending re-grooving the old wax tracks on Lbrain. One of the biggest things I discovered is that I'm not going to be able to escape Lbrain -- and I don't want to, really. I do need some of those survival techniques and Lbrain skills, ya know? I am re-recording the stuff on the wax tracks, though... creating NEW routines... and working to convince Lbrain me, that it's not going anywhere... but it needs a break, so that I can be more Rbrain me... and that it'll feel better if it does relinquish that old, total control.

I know this has all been said & explained better by others and goes by different therapeutic names; what I'm doing isn't anything original. It's just that for me, the L-Rbrain model "fits" what I know about myself; it suits me. And I keep making discoveries...

... like today, it seems obvious that my outrage over work-stuff is due to Lbrain's love of mechanical, efficient processes... and it feels threatened by the amount of overload in number of projects/tasks assigned to me (ever increasing on a daily basis, it seems) because it knows that it's not possible to do a "good" job rushing from one thing to another or trying to multitask beyond 3-4 things at once (this is actually problem-creating in tech work).

I'm making a valiant attempt to set a boundary about how much is too much - to no avail. It's the old problem of it's all equally important and it all has to be accomplished now - as if by magic. And my boundaries about workload and process are always poo-poo'd as being too emotional (!!)

So here I sit waiting for rescue - still - via the probate process. The irony isn't lost on me. Two more tasks to be accomplished by my probate team... then I expect to be able to simply walk away from trigger-hell at school. My idea of staying there and using the triggers in my healing hasn't been all bad; but it seems like just more of the same expectation that I can "take a licking and keep on ticking". It would be a lot more pleasant and faster and easier to simply get myself out of trigger-hell and be able to just be the "new balance" of R-Lbrain me. And maybe I CAN accomplish this while still there... but why pile on difficulty? Not even the satisfaction of acheiving this will make up for the crap that I keep exposing myself to, by being there.

It's still beating my head on the brick wall - cigarette in hand - expecting a different result. And it's still changing ME to fit into an insane, irrational situation... instead of letting it go.

[Gaining Strength]

Sometimes I get confused about what I have thought and what I have actually written so I apologize if I am repeating myself.

Sometime in the past month I finally got the L-brain, R-brain concept.  Up until that point I could read your work and know something important was going on but it was not so clear how the two sides worked together.  Now I get it and am using a different brain model but one that does indeed shift things from the L-brain to the R-brain.  I've even learned the name of the brain section that does that: anterior cingulate gyrus.

I am glad that the days are numbered for you at work.  While I have long found that being in the fire does help bring the issues to the surface to be worked on I have also learned that the stress from the fire makes it very difficult to sort the pains out to be worked on and even more important I have learned that the emotional memory has a long life and will continue to resurface until it is worked out - so I don't really need that stress provoking, life robbing "fire."

I'm so glad you are getting out of the fire.  It is so tradgic that people and organizations cannot understand how important it is to listen, to consider and reconsider what employees have to say and to reshape organizations around the individuals that make up the workforce.  What a loss. 

It will be interesting to see how that cigarette work changes when you are out of the fire.  Thinking of you - so glad to read your words - GS