Pushing forward in healing

[Gaining Strength]

PR - your posts give me food to grow on.  I was inspired by one of your recent posts yesterday and found myself getting insights that seem unrelated.  I have not taken the time to fully explore that connection but as I began to refocus on the contrast between abundance and scarcity I realized that my experiences which so identify with one you have written about have lead me into a "scarcity" mentality. 

I could write 10 pages on this issue and must commit to do that for myself.

But what I want to get to here, today is a dream I had this morning before getting up.  It is difficult to explain but it gave me a completely new insight.  In the dream, I was with a series of people, relatives and others I know in a context of family vacation or lake home.  The first one I remember was my maternal aunt who needed something that we did not have.  She decided to walk to the nearest village.  It was an irrational response but I was right along side her, trying to comfort her, trying to help her resolve her need.  Each scene was similar.  The last one was with a woman I know, an associate priest, (a former marine) who is living cross country from her marine husband.  We were at a lake resort and she was looking for a "double ended" board (don't ask - who knows).  I felt this sense of responsibility simultaneous with a fear of not being able to comply.  Both the sense of responsibility and the feeling of not being competent to meet the task were extreme.  They became emotionally life threatening if I failed and life sustaining if I failed.  My commitment to the task FAR exceeded her interested in finding the board.  The whole thing was way out of kilter.  (I have left out two other similar scenes.)

I got two insights from this but I know that it was the kind of dream that has much more for me.  One thing that I see is that part of the scarcity comes from the drive to solve others needs to the detriment of my own and that became my focus rather than identifying and fulfilling my own goals and needs.  Some of this comes out the that need for connectedness but part of it came from a demand by my father that I respond to everyone else's needs, instantaneously, as soon as that need was itterated.

Part of this issue of scarcity has to do with this self=sabotaging demand that was created and repeated over and over as a child.  Do for others, do for others, do for others.

One of the things that I have been working on for 9 months is understanding how this process of "paralysis" works and what causes it.  PRs descriptions about her mother have been like a mirror to me.  Both my parents put demands on me for different reasons that had the effect of sabotaging.  Both of them needed me to fail in order to protect themselves.  My functioning and flourishing were severly threatening to them.  They both used me as a servant to respond to their needs and to any needs that others had that they felt responsible for.  If I could not provide for those needs then they rail and punished and rejected me.

The anxiety of failing is huge because the punishment for faililng was far more demeaning than doing nothing.  If I did nothing then the reaction was scoffing but if I made even a small mistake then the belittliing and name calling began and it was done in front of everyone and repeated over months and sometimes years.  "Remember the time when GS tried to do ______?"

Now I can keep bringing this stuff up and use the techniques that I have developed over the past year to overcome the damage.

[Gaining Strength]

I got a major boost in the arm today.

I read this on another forum:
[uote]You still get negative thoughts because your ego feels hurt by some people that did something to you in the past.  [/quote]

I believe this. It is part of the basis of Alice Miller's philosophy. It refers to what I often term "triggers."

When I read this today I was struck by this. I have come to learn how to shift out of what has been an automatic negative reaction to something hurtful done by somebody. It has begun a significant shift in my life. BUT, I have been left to deal with the significant effect of a long term brain pattern of reaction based on old, pre-lingual emotional wounds.

But as I read this line quoted above, I suddenly saw that I can change those old patterns in the same way I have changed my contemporaneous reaction.

Part of the pattern that built up over the years is the fear of the automatic reaction - definitely a complicating factor. For me the prospect of that "paralyzing" fear of being paralyzed is now the great barrier.  I realized that as I read that line above.  Who knows why that opened up that idea.  But it will help me shift. 

Part of the key here is identifying and bringing into the consciousness the negative energy blocks.

One of the biggest shifts that I have made over the past year or so is to become less "reactive".  That has been such a gift and yet I have been so surprised that it did not open up the greater functionality that I have been working towards.  I still get triggered and still have more work to do about the older and oldest wounds but suddenly today I gained this wonderful insight about how my fear of being paralyzed has been a very real barrier to moving forward.

I have spent a life trying to stiff upper lip my way into success only to be further mired into repressive implosion of self-condemnation.  Now I have found another way around the same issues and this way releases the pressure rather than increase it. 

I grew up in a family, an environment and a society that believed the way to success was a matter of discipline and discipline meant pressure on, stiff planked, soldieresque forward movement marching.  The pressure now must come off.  It is a coddling time and confidence building and encouragement laden environment that will allow me to move forward in a very different direction toward the same goals and ideas.

[sKePTiKal]

The double-ended board in your dream gave me an idea. It's gonna sound off the wall... nuts. Maybe.

WHAT IF:

you DID fail - on purpose - the unfair expectation or demand of the doublebind you struggle with? what horrible thing would come from rebelling this way? What if, you simply said to yourself: I DON'T WANT TO... and honored that, by refusing to be moved to repeat the endless cycle that keeps you paralyzed?

I mean: ok - if you rebel, your parents won't love you. WELL? when you tried to fulfill those impossible demands... did they? What exactly do you have to lose, if you choose to suit yourself over the expectations and "standards" of people who can't even treat you like normal parents would?

I think this might open a door of power, a path to honoring yourself over the people who so controlled and hurt you. And it would be affirming of your right to make those decisions for yourself: I don't want to do the dishes right now. I choose to do them later. (and then later: I choose to do the dishes BECAUSE I WANT TO, now.)

What if, you took a day off - allowed yourself a "spa day" while your son is in school... to ignore the house, the job, and even the obligation to "work on yourself" ... to simply luxuriate in simple pleasures? a bubble bath? a manicure/pedicure? try styling your hair different ways.... (if a whole day isn't possible - set a number of hours).

for no other REASON that it might be fun, relaxing, a well-deserved "time-out" from all the obligations, worries, expectations etc. The only reason allowed for this kind of day off is: BECAUSE I WANT TO. No expectations, no results, no "score" about whether it was successful or failed. Just be.

I'm going to give you permission to do this... IF YOU WANT TO.

[Gaining Strength]

You know PR, that is a very interesting question, one not easily answered.  I don't know the answer.  In fact, I'm not sure what "on purpose" exactly means.  I would have to spend sometime untangling the conscious, subconscious, unconscious aspects of "on purpose" before I could even get the meat of that question. 

What I do know, what has been made clearer to me in the past couple of days is that I have massive amounts of repressed stuff.  It became clear to me as I discovered and started practising a technique called "Tickling the Amygdala."  It gives me release from the destructive explosiveness of releasing the repression. 

And then on another forum specifically about EFT I discovered another mass of repression when I began a technique called Personal Peace Procedure.  With this PPP, I revisit memories that have emotional baggage and process them and release the emotional charge.

Both of these techniques are powerful but they are also painful and so I experience resistance to them even while I am being reminded by many sources that I must push beyond comfort level and experience the "new" in order to heal.

Whew!  Either dig in and get to work or stay comfortable with the pain, repression and dysfunction.  Hmmmm.  Which one?

[debkor]

Hey GS,

Another interesting thing about our brain, files, and hardwiring I got to see *first handed* (I think) when it was totally out of whack and an accident a blow to the head (my son) snowboarding accident on sunday.  He is fine now.

At the time he appeared to be fine but had Short term Memory Loss.  Now I don't know much about the brain and trauma (his a blow to the head) and others I can see (somethings similar) even with emotional trauma.  I was looking up the damage from his head injury.  He could not remember from on minute to the next.  If you walked out of the room he did not know you were there.
He knew he went to school but knew of No classes, where his car was, if he introduced his one friend, 1000s times over, called me every 5 minutes not remembering from on to the other and relived the boy who died over and over not knowing from a previous conversation.

Anotherwords, he was pulling Files from his memory/brain....of something that was important to him..He already had them filed like a computer and when something would Trigger his memory would go back to that File along with the emotions (as if it as in the moment) but the moment he could not stay with.  This lasted some days.

When we arrived home and he saw his room and two checks on his desk he knew who they were from but not when he got them or how or anything else.  These checks kept triggering him and he was very upset because he had no idea of anything else (other then it must of been from past and could not stay in the moment. 

So what I saw was him searching to FIX past things a sense of loss of control that he could not and his confidence and him feeling competent was SHOT.  He only knew his file that he could pull and it all came from triggers.

I was one (good files)...friends (good files)...we were all memory triggers (past and present) but the triggers that were Negative emotions..all drove him crazy and to get into the present and stay there was very, very difficult....BECAUSE he had no files he could pull... they were not in memory.

I could see it in his face how he struggled to Find a Memory File about those triggers...*check* and then...had no where to go and went back to his Memory/Past that was filed and it struck Panic in him when the rest was Negative/vulnerable feelings..and left hanging and it shut him down.  He was very depressed and anxious at the same time.  He pushed and pushed but could not get beyond what he needed to just let *heal*.   

At one point...he was very effected although the things that happened were in past...he was living them in the moment (emotions attached as if it was happening right then and there.  This was due to Trauma.  Those Files/Memory were as intense as they were when they were in the present ...when it really did take place....but he was truly feeling emotions IN PRESENT. 

He had to heal and he had to go over them and over them and over....till they were not so intense and associate them with Past Emotions..not in the moment.

How he did this...He healed.  There was no time limit when it would happen.  It happened in a few  days but could have lasted till whenever.

He has his Memory back/short termed but he lost totally the few days of when it was not there.  He will never get that back. 

And I don't really know what I'm talking about...but the files (with memory and how he was pulling them one right after the other) Past ones and Triggers that came up of Past ones...Most certainly brought up....Emotions attached with them in Past..as if they were in the very moment.  He was trying to resolve what he knew was broken (for he did) that he could not get into present and stay there.  It was all there in front of him...such as the Checks...and it made him crazy.

Once those check were in front of him...he would not let them go.   Anotherwords I could not take them (for him to forget about them) he kept them there to see them...to search..to fix..and could not get away from the Negative Feelings Of something bad...and no files of good to pull up...

He could not go forward..he had no file, yet.  He went back with many things with many (good file) and emotions and many (bad file) and emotions but the bad ones he lived (as if they were happening) because he was just left hanging.....and no where to Go...there was no file even though we kept telling him it will and can be resolved..to let himself heal. 

He just wanted to be THERE and he was not ready and did not fully heal yet and had no idea to just Water Down that bad file...so he shut down when it became to Great for Him.

And I do see (I think) how this happens ...Emotional or Physical...and how your brain is like a computer and you will call upon it for your Files that you have stored...to remember...to fix...and how your emotions will come up as if you were living them IN MOMENT...with all the emotions attached to it especially from Trauma...

It's a healing process...

For me GS the way I healed...I went over and over and over my trauma...till I bored it to death and then only did I not live it in moment (as if it was happening). 

Don't worry so much about feeling you HAVE TO DO SOMETHING when you really don't feel like it....Just say I don't feel like it today or this moment...And let yourself heal. 

Just try to water down that BAD FILE that emotions are attached to...now how you do that...I don't know.   Like I said, I go over it a thousand times till I'm bored with it and the emotions are not attached at that moment.....Yes I torture myself doing it...just my hardwiring...but I do heal.

So will you. 

You are doing Great...don't push so much.  Easier said then Done...I am a pusher...as I have seen so is my son. 

Just our hardwiring.

I'm trying to put my thoughts on paper and I hope this didn't sound crazy...but now...UGH! what a week...Off to call the school where my husband works for the School Bus hit our car..and left. 

Love to you GS
Your doing Great!!
Healing is a process...with many of Files being Called Upon and along come emotions with them especially with Trauma. 

Love
Deb

[Gaining Strength]

Debkor - thanks for your words of encouragement.  The brain is such a strange thing.  I am becoming more and more interested in learning as much as I can about it.  Scientists are learning so much more with fascinating brain scans like fMRI and PET scans. 

It sounds like you are going through some tough times!  What happened to your car?  Besides that was your son's accident recent?  Thinking of you. - GS

[sKePTiKal]

LOL!! Deb - I love it - you bored your trauma to death! This makes so much sense to me. You don't have to be a neuroscientist and understand all the medical ins and outs of how the brain works, I don't think. For me, all that L/R brain research I did was good for, was convincing my Lbrain self, that yes - something happened to get me "out of whack"... several somethings, in fact. And that I already "knew" how to fix it.

Just like how your son fixed his short-term memory.

Lbrain just LOVES scientific terminology... processes... complexity in systems... because that helps Lbrain think it's important; more important than stupid ole' feelings, feeling comfortable in your own skin, having energy to do things and plain old feeling "good". In my case, Lbrain got to thinking it was WAAAAY more important than how my body or emotions felt. And unfortunately, Lbrain is like a wax record album - and negative things can be easily engraved in the grooves of Lbrain and are pulled out & replayed at anything remotely similar to what caused the first recording. It's true Lbrain is important; knowledge is a useful thing - and we all need Lbrain to remember how to make coffee, how to drive, how to fill out the 1040.

But we ALSO need Rbrain's ability to simply enjoy laying in the sun, with a light breeze blowing and the lullaby of the ocean to rock us into peaceful experiential being. Rbrain is the "aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh" in life, I think.

Lbrain's wax album is actually pretty easy to re-record (neuroplasticity for your Lbrain); easier than I thought it would be - as LONG AS - there is enough balance between the Lbrain's ability to engineer processes and Rbrain's ability to be at peace... to simply be. I think I've had a life-long deficiency of r-brain experience (I was persuaded to fear this) and am in the process of trying to make up for lost time. Still respecting Lbrain's expertise - and most importantly, it's area of expertise - but not letting it gain the upper hand and deny me Rbrain experiences simply because these "thoughts" are more important than how I feel. (DUH... this is zens' - make the monkey run up & down the pole: give Lbrain something to do so it won't be a nuisance and enjoy "now".)

I can't speak highly enough of the self-care techniques I learned at AfterSilence - the rape/abuse support group. The important bit - simply - is that I needed to feed my need for well-being... to find ways to allow myself to feel better: calm, peaceful, happy, loving... to allow myself to experience my own Rbrained self MORE... that's what filled the holes, the deficits... the longing, aching need for the indescribable "something" I thought I was missing from my mom. I was wrong; I was missing it from ME.

It was Lbrain, that insisted that the ONLY way to truth was to analyze - over & over again - all the pain & agony until it was finally gone. Again - Lbrain, is partly right; not completely. It was necessary for me to get to the root of the pain - what was that feeling?... rather, each pain... to acknowledge, hold it, and comfort myself till it diminished. What Lbrain was missing, was the necessity - after that was all done - of LETTING IT GO. Not forgetting, mind you - it's all part of my personal history... but letting it slide into the past, at it's own rate... so that I could face the present moment without applying Lbrain's broken record of triggered emotions/fruitless responses out of the unresolved need to "defend" myself against what Lbrain saw as "the same situation" as my original hurts. Poor Lbrain.... it doesn't really have good peripheral vision; it can't see the forest for the trees.

GS's EFT is Rbrain work... yoga, tai chi - anything that engages mind-body connection is Rbrain work... so is meditation. So is a bubblebath... stopping to smell the roses... smiling at strangers just for the "feel" of it...

[Gaining Strength]

Here is some stuff from a link a person sent me yesterday that I wanted to share with you PR.  Even though it is in a form to use with EFT I thought that perhaps there were some things in this list that might appeal to you as affirmations.  There is some good brain stuff in here.  While the author puts it in the frame of LOA, I chose to overlook that aspect and focus on the brain function perspective.

http://www.emofree.com/Articles2/brain-loa-eft.htm
by Laurel Cozzuli
In a nutshell, the person that has the most difficulty putting the Law of Attraction (LOA) into action is the one that 1) has a hyperactive amygdula, the human brain’s emotional “storehouse,” 2) has a low functioning prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for helping a person take action in accordance with goals, 3) has impaired functioning in the anterior cingulate, which is responsible for processing information between the right and left brain hemispheres, and 4) has an overactive nucleus accumbens, which is responsible for a human’s experience of extreme pleasure. An overactive nucleus accumbens is often seen in addictive behaviors.

Your Anterior Cingulate

To normalize activity in your anterior cingulate, we will focus attention on your brain’s tendency towards pattern recognition.
Tap the karate chop point and then apply rounds of EFT for each of the following statements.

Even though my anterior cingulate refuses to process my past emotional trauma, I choose to trust and love myself anyways.
Even though I’m subconsciously scared that danger might return…
Even though, my anterior cingulate is going crazy with pattern recognition, I now allow my brain to evolve to today’s world
Even though, my anterior cingulate is keeping my right and left brain hemispheres from communicating…
Even though, my impulses to stay “stuck” are really strong, I choose to release this old-brain pattern.
Even though I have created a lot of chaos from living a life this way, I lovingly release my need for instant gratification.
Now, tap in a few positive rounds focused on your anterior cingulate:
EB: My anterior cingulate is functioning optimally for today’s world
SE: I trust that all danger has past.
UE: I allow optimal activity in my anterior cingulate.
UN: I now awaken the neurons in my anterior cingulate.
CH: The right and left hemispheres of my brain are in perfect communication.
CB: I now see future rewards as more appealing than instant gratification.
UA: I love letting my prefrontal cortex take over to focus on future goals
TH: My anterior cingulate is functioning optimally for today’s world

Your Nucleus Accumbens

We can use similar techniques for the anterior cingulate to optimize your nucleus accumbens. Remember that the nucleus accumbens plays a significant role in rewards and pleasure.  It is the area of the brain that can make overcoming addictions so challenging.  People can be addicted not only to substances, but to video games, surfing the internet, sex, chocolate, or even shopping.  If a person allows this pleasure center to direct his or her life, there is positively no chance of creating a bright and glorious future.  We can use the following EFT guide to quell a crazy nucleus accumbens, which, of course, will play a part of creating optimum brain function.  And then we can truly enjoy those moments of chocolate, sex, shopping, etc … for the joy it brings, and not from a desperate, ineffective survival response.

Tap the karate chop point and then apply rounds of EFT for each of the following statements.
Even though my nucleus accumbens refuses to give up ______ (your addiction or compulsion…
Even though, life will be boring without having this constant pleasure…
Even though, I am stuck in “here and now survival” by way of my nucleus accumbens, I now choose to create a productive future.
Even though my nucleus accumbens is not going to be happy about lowering its neuro-firing…
Even though I’m a slave to the experiences of pleasure generated by my nucleus accumbens…
Even though, my nucleus accumbens is stuck in survival mode, I now release this pattern and evolve into today’s world.
Even though, I desperately need my “fix,” I choose to enjoy life without this enslavement.
Even though, I fear deprivation…
Now, tap in these following positive statements:
EB: My nucleus accumbens is relaxing.
SE: I appreciate my nucleus accumbens sweetening my life with pleasure.
UE: I easily derive pleasure from looking at my bright future.
UN: I contentedly delay gratification in favor of my future goals.
CH: I am satisfied and relaxed at my core.
CB: I allow my nucleus accumbens to evolve into today’s world.
UA: My nucleus accumbens is my friend.
TH: We work together to create a happy life.

[Gaining Strength]

My son loves his new school.  He is a completely different child.  What a difference a good environment makes.  He still wakes up in the middle of the night screaming about his last teacher, having horrible nightmares but that is small potatoes compared to what he was going through on a daily basis.  I talked to a mom of another child who left the old school earlier in the year.  He is a completely different child too.  It has made both of our lives indescribably better.

I have been working with two other forums: one is a group of mothers doing EFT and another is just a huge self-improvement forum.  I am identifying goals on one and tapping about issues on the other.  I have having significant breakthroughs and understanding the blocks I have been having.  It is truly a God send.  I am very, very thankful.  More about this later.

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks, GS...

those EFT suggestions are useful as ways of thinking/talking about what you're doing to heal. What I'm doing is more of a non-verbal process - the closest word I can find for it is "organic". Like the way houses grow organically - a porch screened in, then glassed in, then an addition added - all over time to meet the needs of the different families who've lived there. It's a lot more r-brain experience, and constantly challenging the old L-brain patterns, recordings, and rediculous blatherings...

it's like my T's advice about smoking: if you feel you want a cigarette - smoke; if you don't want one - don't smoke. Don't think about it; don't make excuses for smoking; don't let Lbrain find a way to be in control of this with routines, habits, time-triggers, situational triggers - processes & procedures.

I guess what I'm doing is a round of Rbrain therapy. There aren't any rules to it, really, except to know exactly what I feel and what I want REALLY. Am I really hungry or just eating to self-soothe? Do I really want this cigarette or do I just need some fresh air and a mental break? Lbrain tries to impose a feeling of discomfort... but it can't, really. It begins to sputter: but, but, but.... and "now, you've done it"... and lots of other silly things. For me, Lbrain has usurped a lot of the function of Rbrain - it made a power-grab over my behavior and experience - as a way to survive the abuse I'd always gotten for being my Rbrain self, during the time when I most needed to let Rbrain heal itself.

Like some dictator, my Lbrain tried to assume control and direction of me... it had absorbed the abusive comments and rules and it continued to impose these on me: severely constricting my ability to enjoy life, to progress, to develop and grow: EXCEPT in the ways Lbrain believed had value. And Lbrain relies on it's substances: caffiene, nicotine, and chocolate and chips (!) ... to IMITATE a feeling of well-being. I was severely unbalanced - almost all Lbrain, almost no Rbrain experience of myself or my life. And life and people rewarded my Lbrain skills and orientation... so like Pavlov's dog I made the (false) assumption that this is "the way it's supposed to be". Throw in the type-D attachment for good measure... where I would retreat/withdraw from connecting with people and true intimacy (fear & discomfort in those situations, 'coz of the experience of poor mothering)...

a wretched brew that meant I was always "moving on", restless, never satisfied, always felt something was "missing" in me or my life, always felt something was "wrong" with me... and poor Rbrain: the only way it could express the true imbalance was through physical "symptoms" - the psychosomatic symptoms that could never be corrected by medical treatment.

It's that Rbrain ability to control my body that's helping me the most right now. The work I did in tai chi (I'm on a hiatus from class right now) helped me learn that it's possible to be aware of the balance of R & Lbrain activity - simultaneously - and I learned how to work toward a new balance. Rbrain is allergic to smoking - "I" don't want to smoke - it stinks, it makes me cough, sneeze, it clogs my sinuses, it makes me dizzy, and it doesn't taste good. Smoking creates a jittery energy in my body that fuels Lbrain to interpret this as restless,nervous energy or anxiety/fear - and so it reaches for the exact thing that causes this, to "calm" it. Rbrain doesn't need to overeat; to stuff myself to provide comfort... it needs an emotional connection - between myself & myself or myself and others. It doesn't require anything except feeling and being in the present moment. Rbrain couldn't care less about smoking - it's useless in Rbrain experience and if anything, is a negative - it gets in the way of being present and actually "feeling" my self.

So, late bloomer that I am, I'm finally letting Rbrain have the space to heal and to develop, as it should have when I was growing up. I'm limiting Lbrain's rules & commands... challenging it's "authority" and it's "wisdom" about how I "am"... and calling the old inner critic for what it is: abusive, mean, and a party-pooper. It's not the boss of me. It has it's uses - but, it's not the end-all, be-all master of the universe of "me" that it wants to claim. It's a magical, maybe mystical process. The psoriasis I've battled for the past 4-5 years is clearing up without me doing anything different. I've been slowly dropping pounds - without making a conscious effort to do anything different. I've got more energy to get the Lbrain list of things, done - as long as I only do the things that I REALLY want to do. (Sometimes want/have to intersect.) And time goes by while I'm engaged in doing what helps Rbrain - and after a while, I become conscious that it's been hours since I've last smoked. Many more hours than I would've been comfortable with, before.

And the only prescription or technique I'm using is simply feeling and being in the present moment. That's the self-soothing place, the comfort-place, the place where I can consider doing something new & different and maybe BE something new & different - and it appears to be fun - something I want; instead of something fraught with dangerous pitfalls, painful past experiences, a gravel mountain of difficulty, or hard to understand. And once I let myself FEEL that - the words to describe it come to me. Don't know if they make sense to anyone else, unless they've experienced the absence of Rbrain experience - the containment of feeling/being - imprisonment of self to survive abuse. But they make sense to me - and that's important too.

GS - I think maybe EFT works the same way as my organic, Rbrained self-therapy. My "step to the right" - a present moment of Rbrained experience/awareness that I can invoke with one conscious breath - might be a parallel to the feeling of release of painful feelings/memories you describe as the process of tapping. The pattern of where you tap engages Lbrain - keeps it busy long enough for you to engage your body by tapping all the places - and through the sensation of tapping those places, you're able to "step to the right" and enter a r-brained experience of comfort and solace - and release. Through this - you're finding your own new "balance" of R-Lbrain cooperative experience and functioning... the natural one for you.

In this process of healing ourselves, "whatever works" is the important thing and it's going to be very different for each of us, I think. Even so, there is still a common thread that connects us all that not even I can find words to describe. I'm happy that you're engaging with life and more people - connecting - and reaping the breakthrough successes you've wanted for so long! This is where survival evolves into "thrival", I think.

[debkor]

Hey GS

Last week when my H was at work he came out at lunch time and our car was hit.  We had no clue who hit it...Hit and Run.

The Police were called and a report done.  On the car was yellow and black paint.  The police said that up the block another car was hit and it was by a school bus.  Same block same day.

We called the Bus company and told them there was a possible  hit.  The head person said they would review their film.  Cameras are on the school bus.  Sure enough they showed the bus pass, no damage to my car, pass again and damage.

I don't know if the bus driver even knew he hit us or if they just hoped no one would find out.  They are taking full responsibility for our car and fixing it.  The two cars that were hit (mine and the one up the road) was not even close so that is a concern...what was up with this bus driver.  Don't know if children were on the bus either.  I don't think so. 

All in all no one was hurt and cars can be fixed.  So all is good.

Love
Deb
 

[Gaining Strength]

That is an amazing and bizarre story on many levels Debkor.  The big thing is that you will have your car repaired.  It is scary that someone who drives that poorly is driving children.  How dangerous is that?  Glad it is not my child, wish it weren't anyone's.

[Gaining Strength]

Making HUGE strides.  I have been "tapping" on early memories and finding "energy snares".  When I hit them I am using yet a nother technique which I recently found "clicking my amygdala forward" to break through the snare, like a hasp in a clogged drain. It is having the effect of repolarizing my being from negative to positive, opening my heart to the creative part of me and moving my mind away from the self-centered, fear based, angry self.

This is good.

[teartracks]

Hi GS,

I found the 10,000 rule mentioned in The Outliers fascinating.  I definitely hit my 10,000 hour stride at about the seven year mark of recovery.  I don't have a sense of whether any truth lies in Gladwell's observation, but it resonated with my experience.   Success.  What an illusive thing.  You may get it in one area and never come close in another. 

From the book, The Outliers by Gladwell:
 
Quoted from the book The Outliers by Gladwell: 

This rule explains the breakout success of Mozart, the Beatles and Bill Gates. Gladwell claims 10,000 hours is the "magic number of greatness." Because of a variety of near perfect circumstances completely out of each person's control, these Outliers were able to get in 10,000 hours of practice at exceptionally young ages. Mozart hit the 10,000 hour mark around the time he was 21. To survive, the Beatles had been performing together 8 hours a day, 7 days a week for about 7 years before they hit the United States. And because of how close he lived to the University of Washington, the fact that his high school had a computer club way back in the 1960's and because he was able to spend high school semesters writing code, Bill Gates hit the 10,000 hour mark in his 20's.

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[Overcomer]

wow....reading all this is a lot to ponder.  GS, both of us were raised in wealthy homes but somehow were sabotaged.  I remember as a young twenty something girl I got drunk all the time.  I would hang out at dive bars and tried to fit in with these low life type of people.  Maybe I was trying to be as "low" as my mother tried to make me.  No self respect.  No self worth.  Now it is just the opposite...I am stuck up........wonder what changed???  Maybe I have crawled out of the pit!