Narcissists and their own death and dying process

[Judith]

Since my N father has terminal cancer, I am wondering if there is anyone here who has gone through a N's dying process as a caretaker or witness.
Do they repent in the end? See angels? Condemn or reject their family members? Die in a kind of emotionless stupor with no sense of self?
What could happen?

Judith

[bludie]

No great words of wisdom here other than we do the best we can at the time all of this unfolds....

I traveled a great distance to visit my N-father at a hospice two weeks before he died. It was an emotional journey. I waited a night in a hotel to collect my thoughts before visiting the next day. It had been four or five years since I'd seen him. And that was at my brother's funeral so, again, it was a difficult encounter. For the previous 10 years my Dad and I had only sporadic contact since he had great difficulty observing my boundaries. Ours was never an easy relationship and so, too, until the end.  

I did the best I could at the time. My visit with him was marginal. I felt frozen and went through the motions of forgiveness because I feared conflict and the regret I'd have after his death. During this time there were issues with sibling over his estate. He tended to focus on that aspect urging us to love and forgive each other.

He apologized for 'inflicting so much pain' and said he 'never meant to hurt me.' In looking at his eyes, I think he was as sincere as he could be at the time. In one of the other threads there is mention of Ns being spiritual kindergartners. I think this is true, therefore, my spiritual-kindergartner-N-Dad probably did the best he could in making an amend. This is how I choose to look at it.

I did not witness his death but was on the telephone with my sister during the final hours of his life. She was very distraught and I had difficulty not feeling resentful at Dad (once again) for being the source of, yet, another sibling's pain.

This incident was truly anti-climactic. As my nemesis and source of pain for much of my adult life, my Dad's death was a web of emotions that I have yet to completely sort out. I was working on this in therapy but then moved to another city.

As for his estate, I refused anything other than one box of doo-dads my sister packaged up. I still haven't opened the box. Maybe I will someday soon when I am strong enough and over the recent ending of a destructive relationship with my ex-N-fiance.

[bunny]

My N-MIL was the same dying as she was living. But I could feel more compassion for her because she was suffering.

bunny

[Amelia Rose]

I didn't know my father-in-law very well when he died. I knew him for a year - I was a year into this "relationship" - so I was naive, unsuspecting, I didn't know the dynamics of their family.  I knew he wasn't a very nice man - that was the impression I got.  He had been an alcoholic for most of his life - and was (what's the correct term? sorry- pls forgive if I do not use the proper term).  He was "dry" or a non-practicing alcoholic for the last 19 years of his life.  Anyway- I was one year into the relationship.  I didn't know I should have RAN as fast as I could.  
I was with my soon-to-be husband when the hospital called.  His father had been ill with lung cancer.  He  was in pain and had chosen to take more morphine, to which the doctor told him it would  stop his heart. By the time we got to the hospital - it was around midnight. He was breathing - barely.  We sat in the room until he took his last breath.  I had not experienced this before - so it was a bit unsettling for me.
Upon his death, they found a hand-written note by the bed.  There were no "good byes" to the family.  No "I love you" was written on the paper. What was written was "Instructions" to the wife telling her to contact his best friend and arrange for him to have a "Saturday night meeting" for his memorial.  
I was later told that - he was never home when he was drinking.  When he quit drinking - he was never home because he was with his AA buddies helping other people - neglecting his family at home.
I do not judge.  I just know - his wife and his son (the one I married and later divorced) was like him in many ways. So is his other son.  I married the chronically depressed N, BPD,  paranoid one.  His brother was like the father- drinking - being wth the buddies - very self centered.
I wish them all the best - I  am happy to nolonger be married to this man.  Only it sure is hard breaking and getting away.  It's sad and it's pathetic.  Another story in itself.

[blossom]

Dear Judith,

My experience with a dying N was something like Portia's.
                                                                                               

"...but my step-father appeared to refuse to think he was dying. I guess he allowed himself to think he was ill, but perhaps not very ill. Other people were sicker than him."

Two weeks before her death, my husband's mother said she was sick, but refused to believe she was dying, too.  She spoke several times of her invulnerability to death.   Once she said, "The Dr. told me i can't die from smoking.  I don't inhale deep."  Ironically, that is what took her life.

Since she denied that her illness was fatal, she used another explanation.  She told people outside her family that her family was trying to kill her.  I suppose, under those circumstances, if someone stopped her family from killing her, she would live.  (That is only my theory, though.  She was  delusional.)

In her final days, she demanded to see her oldest son.  But her son had disavowed her.  Not only because of terribly and deliberately unacceptable behavior, but because he knew she did not love.  Her demanding to see him was an obvious attempt to regain power and control.  She did not tell the truth or apologize to anyone.  She just focused on a miraculous recovery, till the very end, through merely willing it so.  Sad.

hugs,
blossom

[Glennis1953]

but my step-father appeared to refuse to think he was dying. I guess he allowed himself to think he was ill, but perhaps not very ill.

My N-mother isn't dying, but she's 85 years old. She doesn't even admit it when she's ill, until she's so sick we can tell and intervene (the ensuing attention is something she does crave, but we're supposed to NOTICE she's ill first). She will only refer to dying to try to guilt us. "Well you won't have to bother worrying about me much longer," is a common quote.  

But actual death is something she's not willing to deal with. When my stepfather was 2 weeks from dying of liver cancer, she was still expecting him to cook, clean, bring her coffee and basically wait on her hand and foot. She didn't believe he was dying, even when my nurse sister-in-law explained that he was, and would never get better. Mother said she wasn't ready for him to die, therefore he's not dying.

But when came to moments before his death, she kept begging him not to. The man was in incredible pain. My sister-in-law, thank God for her, quietly whispered in his ear to go ahead, that it's okay to go. Mother told her not to tell him that. She wasn't ready.

Mother's sense of denial is incredibly strong. Her pattern has always been that if it's not spoken of, it won't happen, or doesn't exist. If she doesn't prepare for death, it won't happen.

I suppose death would be the ultimate equalizer. It's proof that after all even the Narcissist is human, not above everyone else.

[Amelia Rose]

I witnessed the death of my husband's father.  I was very young (early 20s).  I am sure this man, and his wife, were the mentors for my husband's Narcisst behavior.  "Anyway" - this man was well respected in Alcoholics Anonymous.  He had lung cancer.  One night after his family had visited him at the hospital - he asked for more pain medicine.  To which he was told - he would die.  He asked for more medicine. When we got to the hospital - he appeared to be unconscious and was taking his final breaths.  I was horrified - I had never  experienced anything like this.   When he passed, a note  was found by his bedside.  Did it say that he loved his wife?  His two sons?  Did he tell them good by?   No.  The  note said "Tell Bill - to give me a Saturday night meeting."  I didn't know what that meant.  (A shy naive woman amongs a family of Narcissts.)  I was very unaware.  When the memorial came - that Saturday night - it was an AA meeting.  His memorial was an AA meeting - for his  friends.  I have no idea if he repented. From what I saw - no. 

[Hopalong]

Porrrrrrrrrrrrrrtia!

As the LOLcats would say (see www.icanhascheezburger.com):

Oh hai.

xxoo
Hops

[Hopalong]

Isn't it wonderful?
Just plain GOOFINESS. Holy foolishness!

Makes me happy that this website has zoomed around the world.

People have such a need for laughter and delight.

The pix are silly, the "cat language" ridiculous...it just keeps rolling along. There are thousands.

Any time you're blue, LOLcats are there for you! (They even have LOLwalruses and LOL bunniess...LOLanycritters...)

Silly kittehs.

One of my favorites, of course, is the thems of God as "ceiling cat" and his opposite as "basement cat". Hoot!

Snork.
Hops

[Overcomer]

Boy, where have you been Portia??  If we could just get some of the oldies to sign back in.............the board is dwindling to almost no one.......