Thank you all. You are amazing.
Gjazz...it's a perspective, to see it in the context, and I do...
I felt very upset for a couple days when my denial fell away.
But I'm not now.
I've discovered I can tell him honestly how I feel and he hears me.
Tonight I explained very gently that his drinking causes me to hold myself back from him.
He set it down immediately. We sat by the fire listening to Bach while I worked on my paperwork.
I tucked him up (not literally) in the extra bedroom, and I'm in mine, feeling happy.
I do love him dearly and feel very good that I said out loud to him why we are not lovers. And made it pretty clear than I won't want to be unless he deals with this problem. I am sure it's hard to do, and he may or may not, and I'm still all right.
Lupita, that was kind and loving and very thoughtful advice...thank you dear. This popped out:
That you have not put your eyes on a man that you know is going to be a healthy relationship with you.
You sure see the pattern, and you're right, I've bounced from one to another this year.
Overall though, it's been joyful, despite disappointments. I have really been searching for someone to love, because that was a big absence in my life. Now that Mom no longer lives here and my brother can't intimidate me or enter the house, I feel joyful. Cozy. At home. After living here for 11 years like an au pair I feel as though I'm home.
Gman and I had a lovely NY Eve. I baked a loaf of bread and he made the fire and we just talked and listened to Bach and it was wonderful. When I made that statement to him he said, well you know, I've got to be me, and I said, if you make it about resisting someone else's idea for you, then it will never happen. It really has nothing to do with me. If you want it, you'll have to do it for you.
I don't know how it will roll out but for now I'm so grateful he's in my life. He's been a blessing, a gift, a friend. And maybe that's how it will stay and if so, that's okay too.
The best thing is I'm not sabotaging myself by becoming sexual with him. The other best thing is that he treats me with affection, desire, and respect.
More later, fading fast, thanks to you Towrite...loneliness does drive us down the wrong alleys sometimes. But it's good to know and name loneliness for what it is. Need to connect.
love to you
Hops