am I at decision time?

[towrite]

Hops, I am sad for you that you've discovered a painful flaw in this otherwise wonderful Gennulman. It brings back some fears for me, so like, GS, here's my 3 cents:

In my last rel'ship, the alcohol helped cover the stress for him to remain sweet and easy around me. When I realized he could not maintain this attitude, (which I craved, having been so long without it), it made me almost break from grief. He would not talk about it seriously; he couldn't understand why I wanted him to stop or why it bothered me so much. I tried to explain that when he was under the influence, it was the influence I was with, not the real him. He never got it. I found out very late that the influence made him feel "normal" and reduced his extreme anxiety and stress. I had to let go - I was lonely with him, despite his sweetness and funny nature, and very lonely without him. However, being lonely without him was also accompanied by an absence of MY stress. It was a choice I made. Somedays I think about reconnecting with him and fantasize that, if I just ignored the influence, we could be together and I wouldn't be as lonely.

Hugs to you as you work thru this.

[Hopalong]

Thank you all. You are amazing.
Gjazz...it's a perspective, to see it in the context, and I do...

I felt very upset for a couple days when my denial fell away.
But I'm not now.

I've discovered I can tell him honestly how I feel and he hears me.
Tonight I explained very gently that his drinking causes me to hold myself back from him.
He set it down immediately. We sat by the fire listening to Bach while I worked on my paperwork.

I tucked him up (not literally) in the extra bedroom, and I'm in mine, feeling happy.

I do love him dearly and feel very good that I said out loud to him why we are not lovers. And made it pretty clear than I won't want to be unless he deals with this problem. I am sure it's hard to do, and he may or may not, and I'm still all right.

Lupita, that was kind and loving and very thoughtful advice...thank you dear. This popped out:

That you have not put your eyes on a man that you know is going to be a healthy relationship with you.

You sure see the pattern, and you're right, I've bounced from one to another this year.

Overall though, it's been joyful, despite disappointments. I have really been searching for someone to love, because that was a big absence in my life. Now that Mom no longer lives here and my brother can't intimidate me or enter the house, I feel joyful. Cozy. At home. After living here for 11 years like an au pair I feel as though I'm home.

Gman and I had a lovely NY Eve. I baked a loaf of bread and he made the fire and we just talked and listened to Bach and it was wonderful. When I made that statement to him he said, well you know, I've got to be me, and I said, if you make it about resisting someone else's idea for you, then it will never happen. It really has nothing to do with me. If you want it, you'll have to do it for you.

I don't know how it will roll out but for now I'm so grateful he's in my life. He's been a blessing, a gift, a friend. And maybe that's how it will stay and if so, that's okay too.

The best thing is I'm not sabotaging myself by becoming sexual with him. The other best thing is that he treats me with affection, desire, and respect.

More later, fading fast, thanks to you Towrite...loneliness does drive us down the wrong alleys sometimes. But it's good to know and name loneliness for what it is. Need to connect.

love to you
Hops

[gjazz]

Sounds just right, Hops.  I mean, why not accept the good in him?  If he's going to drink, he's going to.  You don't have to cure him, change him, just be a friend.  "Cause that's the only way to have a friend.  One day he may decide he'd rather take the next step with you than the next drink.  Been known to happen.  But in the meantime, you have a good and supportive (if, like all of us, imperfect) person in your life.

[sKePTiKal]

Good outcome, Hops - safe for you and him. I'm proud of how you've come to a very loving nurturing solution - for you both. Hope I can learn to be this wise, some day!

[lighter]

He is a GOOD man.

Hops

He can be a good man.....

a friend......

a part of your life.....

and not a potential life's mate?

Re-filing people, in your heart, is possible....

it's just not easy.

Sorry it's so complicated((((Hops))))  

Lighter