Struggles with Competence

[Gaining Strength]

I found myself feeling as though I had inserted myself too much in PR's thread but also that I have more writing to do about this so I chose to come over here and write about it.

I do recognize that "autonomy", "competence" and "connectedness" are interrelated.  But I also see them in a developmental formula.  An infant bonds and connects with mother and father and is nurtured with food and love.  As that nurturing continues the childs bond and connectedness flourishes the child who begins developing competencies.  As that connectedness and competencies continue to flourish and grow the autonomy begins to develop so that by adulthood that person is standing a a strong foundation of "connectedness", "comptence" and "autonomy" and can go out into the world and continue to grow and flourish and fight the battles and viscitudes of life.  When the twists and turns are too much the adult turn again to the connections to receive comfort and sustenance while regaining competence and autonomy.  It is the connectedness that comes together and provides shelter and protection until the storm passes (if it passes.) 

Well, I did not have a REAL connectedness.  What I had was twisted and perverted and it was condemning and self-denying and self-destructive.  To receive the connectedness (which is necessary for life) I had to give up myself, over and over and over again.  I never DID get to competence much less autonomy.  My father actually subverted any and all attempts for me to become autonomous.  My brothers and mother and I were aware of this as my brothers and I entered our 20s.  We didn't have THIS language to describe it and we didn't know how deep and long lasting it would be, nor did I understand that it was more directed towards me than my brothers but we all felt the enormous effects of a well-placed, prominent father not only not help us but actually sabotage our attempts to become competent and broaden our connections into the social and business community in which we grew up.  This whole sabotage thing defied common sense and was truly hard to accept and even to acknowledge even for the three of us who were experiencing it.  Astonishingly, not one or our equally (or even better) placed relatives have ever stepped in to help any of us, even when we have asked for their assistance.  Now, these same people pride themselves on being do gooders who help people out.  I even had to sit listening to one who made a speech at a large family luncheon about how we as a family stood by each other and helped each other out during bad times - even though I had asked for help just months before after my husband died and I was in (and continue to be in) terrible financial straights.  It was just another experience of disbelief, of total denial of my own realty right to my very face. 

Because I never had the connectedness and do not to this day.  Because I live in a situation in which I am ostracized from the society that I know and until now my attempts at connectedness have been out of the only experience of connectedness I knew, a very flawed and disfunctional one.  I have not developed the competence nor the autonomy.  I have to begin by focusing on one as I cannot focus on three at once.  I am choosing competence.  I see that autonomy flows from competence and I chose to believe that some form of connectedness will flow rom competence as well.  When I have accomplished something and believe in myself and then connectedness can form without regard to that wretched NEED that reaches out and takes any offer.  Competence will give me a basis from which to evaluate and select carefully the connectedness that is appropriate for me and nurturing and fulfilling - not just any connection and every connection that is offered. 

I think of Columbine when I think of the despair of unconnectedness and how those perpetrators desparation for connectedness and rage about lack of connectedness led to such atroscities.  They fell on competencies and autonomies that would destroy the world around them and themselves.  Such is the negative power of the lack of connectedness.

[Hopalong]

Competence will give me a basis from which to evaluate and select carefully the connectedness that is appropriate for me and nurturing and fulfilling - not just any connection and every connection that is offered.

Wowsers, GS. You end your post on a "negative" note yet I end reading it with such a certainty about the positive growth in you. It is such a delight be see these actual, ripening fruits of your amazing and remarkable stewardship.

From your seeds of hope and the faith with which you have tended them, it is easy to visualize a sturdy, resilient, unstoppable and productive garden...

Even a "Square Foot" one!

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Hops.  I am growing in my healing and finding things that once dissolved me into disabling anxiety are no longer.  Now I am finding myself able to handle very difficult situations and push through them, find solutions and work things out.  I am only focusing on one thing at a time even though there are so many others that need attention silmutaneously.  But for now it is just that - one thing at a time, gaining confidence in that. 

[sKePTiKal]

I think you've found a strategy that's gonna really start moving you forward, GS. You might find some helpful stuff in Carolyn's thread that I found & revived. Another word for connectedness is "attachment".

I'm back revisiting this info myself, while in the process self-determining who I really am... and why I am the way I am... and looking for the door that leads into a new definition, new skills,...... oh HEY.... just realized I could say it as: new competence!

Not much time this morning, but I'm thinking of you as you embark on this new path to freedom and wishing you well, with all my heart!

[Gaining Strength]

Wow, thanks PR.  What a shot in the arm and just in time.  These past two weeks have been trying times in my life and I really needed some encouragement.  Thanks again.

[Gaining Strength]

I have been going through a very difficult trial for the past week.  It has been exhausting.  As I have watched myself march through step by step I have noticed that I have a choice of seeing things as either being very frustrting or as a task beofre me that I have handled competently.  I actually have a choice of how I view the events and my actions of the past week.  That in itself is a significant journey.  I am reminded that I must opt for the competence view and that in doing so it will continue to improve my capacity to improve and grow and heal.

[Gaining Strength]

I am using current neuroplasticity theories to help me fight my battle.  I am rerouting formerly warped neural paths that have lead to disadvantageous emotional patterns.  Now I can acknowledge them and step around. 

One of those patterns is about not having the necessary resources to complete the task that I have in mind.  The task may be a small or large goal.  Most of these tasks depend on human connections and strike up those perverted, distorted emotional patterns established so early on in my N FOO. Now, focusing or refocusing on competence helps me enormously. 

[Hopalong]

I actually have a choice of how I view the events and my actions

woo HOO

It is so exciting (and personally encouraging too) to trot alongside you and PR as y'all pick up steam....waving my bandana...

woo Hoo HOOO!

x
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Hops. Encouragement goes a long way to boost my morale.

Part of my struggle with competence has been dealing with my dear son who is adorable and loving but also who can be explosive and highly reactive.  He has been in a pressure cooker this academic year (2nd grade!!!) with a teacher who picked him out from the start and who has been abusive to him.  That has certainly not helped.  But his behavior is wild and crazy anyway. 

He has ADHD but he also suffers with anxiety.  His anxiety would not be obvious to anyone untrained.  He doesn't seem "nervous" but what happens is that he becomes angry when he is anxious, angry and overly emotional and even at times irrational. 

At times dealing with him is exhausting and I find myself bracing for an unpleasant encounter.  I have written about this in terms of his limited and unpredictable food choices.  Even now as I face preparing dinner I can barely face making a selection available.  Most anything will be shot down. 

All in all I finally realize that these everyday experiences have taken a toll on my sense of (non-existent) competence.  I am already drained of a normal dose before he even entered this world.  So part of my work in building up this area will be to find a way to feel competent in regards to dealing with the draining aspects of raising him.  (There are, of course, many wonderful aspects as well.)

Not sur ehow to do this but I know I must and will figure some out.

This is the time of year that I begin to sink a little - post Christmas, cold, dreary and not much light.  The demands of life seem to pile up higher than usual.  Learning to "observe" my emotions so that I can select the building rather than debilitating ones.  Thanks for listening. - GS

[Overcomer]

Children with any special needs can put added stress on your life.  Especially when you are a single parent.  Couple that with people who want you to step up to the plate but have never walked in your single parent with a special needs shoes.

You ARE competent.  You CAN get through this.  You ARE a great mother.  Your parents.....a teacher.....no one can steal your competence from you!

[Gaining Strength]

I love being a mother and as with everything there are strengths and weaknesses.  One of my struggles as a mother has to do with some of my sons behavior issues. (Let's see, is that spelled, M-O-T-H-E-R-H-O-O-D?)  My son has ADHD and along with that he has some real anxiety.  The anxiety feeds a powerful resistance that is very exhausting.

Finally, I made the effort to find a site where other parents deal with similar issues.  I found one on Friday BUT every time I wrote something about an offputting behavior I would get at least one response diagnosing my son with an extreme syndrome.  AFter 2 days of posting I finally decided it just wasn't worth it.

When I wrote that my son had seen drs. whose diagnoses were on target then I was grilled about what type of drs. with suggestions that only a certain battery of healthcare professionals could give appropriate diagnoses.

Whew - I was so looking forward to having parents to share with.  So much for that.  It gave me new appreciation for Dr. Grossman's edict against makind diagnoses here.

[Gaining Strength]

Overcomer - thank you.  It is such a help to read your words, such a comfort.  Thanks again.  I'm so thankful for this place.

[sKePTiKal]

One more note of confidence in you... and your competence.

You never complain about your son. You don't resent him or how he is.
You're harder on yourself (is that mom/dad in your head??) than you are on him - expecting a WHOLE lot more from yourself.

Having the patience to go through another dinner, knowing he may resist is ALREADY competence as mother way beyond what you experienced as a child and I for one will congratulate you for having this patience and the wisdom to understand that this is what your child needs.

You owe it to yourself to parent your self this way, too. Patience, understanding, encouragement, protection.... you already got it, girl! Just give it to yourself, too. Makes the "path" more easily strollable.

[Lupita]

This kind of reactions is what makes the teaching profession very ungrateful profession and very sad life for many teachers. Just this past Christmas, one teacher commites suicide in my area because of the situation of teachers.

There are bad teachers but like in everything, mosy of the teachers are good.

To say that a teacher is abusing a child is such a serious accuzation, such a threatening accuzation, that can destroy the life of a person forever.

If the same parent is saying:

Thanks Hops. Encouragement goes a long way to boost my morale.

Part of my struggle with competence has been dealing with my dear son who is adorable and loving but also who can be explosive and highly reactive.  He has been in a pressure cooker this academic year (2nd grade!!!) with a teacher who picked him out from the start and who has been abusive to him.  That has certainly not helped.  But his behavior is wild and crazy anyway.  He has ADHD but he also suffers with anxiety.  His anxiety would not be obvious to anyone untrained.  He doesn't seem "nervous" but what happens is that he becomes angry when he is anxious, angry and overly emotional and even at times irrational.  At times dealing with him is exhausting and I find myself bracing for an unpleasant encounter.  I have written about this in terms of his limited and unpredictable food choices.  Even now as I face preparing dinner I can barely face making a selection available.  Most anything will be shot down. 

All in all I finally realize that these everyday experiences have taken a toll on my sense of (non-existent) competence.  I am already drained of a normal dose before he even entered this world.  So part of my work in building up this area will be to find a way to feel competent in regards to dealing with the draining aspects of raising him.  (There are, of course, many wonderful aspects as well.)

Not sur ehow to do this but I know I must and will figure some out.

This is the time of year that I begin to sink a little - post Christmas, cold, dreary and not much light.  The demands of life seem to pile up higher than usual.  Learning to "observe" my emotions so that I can select the building rather than debilitating ones.  Thanks for listening. - GS

If the parent feels exhausted, how does the teacher feel? with other 25 kids and one being irrational?

This is unfair.

With all the respect for your pain GS, I beg you not to blame the teacher.

I am also very disconnected person. But me job is muchmore difficult when I have parents that blame me and accuse me for things beyond my control.

I am very sorry that you are suffering so much. Perhaps, reading or listening to Eckhart Tolle might help you a little. It is helping me."The power of now"

When you resist waht is, when you fight what God has sent you, instead of surrender to the reality, it causes great unhappyness and anxiety. I have the suspition that your son has anxiety because of you and not the way around. Please, check that possibility. If you get better, he will get better. The rain comes from up to down, not viceverse. It is you who is probably causing anxiety in the child. Please, explore that possibility with a professional therapist.

I will keep you in my prayers.

With love and respect,    Lupita

God bless you!

[Gaining Strength]

Lupita - It is certainly true that some teachers are accused of being abusive who are not.  But that is not the case here.  Not only did my son report behavior that was abusive but another parent called me and a staff member told a third party that my son was being treated abusively by his teacher.

The behavioral issues that you highlighted are ones that I deal with at home.  He does not display them at school.  The issues at school have to do with talking out and being roudy in the bathroom and knocking things over inadvertently.  My son also was not the only child she picked on.  He is not the first child in her class this year to leave the school.  Several other parents are at their wits end over her behavior.  It has been a real problem for these precious little 7 year old children.

In his new school, he is the same child and things are working beautifully.

I do understand that false accusations can destroy lives but so can actual abuse and I am certain that there are people here in this community who have experienced abusive teachers.  That some teachers are falsely accused does not mean that no teachers are abusive. 

The abusive manner in which she treated him exacerbated his anxiety and difficult behavior.  His teachers in the past have found him to be well within the normal range and last year he received a mix of excellent and good behavior grades.  Even this year he never received a conduct grade below "Good".  Not one week nor one grading period did his teacher mark his conduct "Needs improvement."

I understand that you have a very difficult time in your old high school and that you had students who were terrible and an administration who did not support you.  But that does not mean that other teachers elsewhere are not abusive to little 6 and 7 year old boys.