The recent tragedy of my friends B/F's child (young adult son) has sent her over the edge or she is swinging on the edge. I am asking God to Grant me the Grace to get though this without Anger.
I do understand more then I ever thought I ever would about Narcissism, I think. I do understand that they are very damaged people for what ever reason of whatever trauma they have suffered (as children or very young).
My friend has most definitely suffered greatly as a child, young adult, and to date. It is forever never ending and their is no True healing for her. I do believe this. She is forever trapped and forever angry and wounded that she takes it out on everyone else.
She is forever trying to fix herself Through others and gain her Worth which she really never ever feels for herself. It is all Fake and she will steal, manipulate, devalue, and do what is necessary to gain what she needs..but never ever Have it...if this makes sense to anyone.
She is not without Care she does care but that overwhelming need to be Needed herself is to the extreme. She just can never get enough. Now although she is Loved by many and may not be able to Love Back (or like your supposed to) she is still loved.
That can not be changed or stopped but Boundaries are created in Force. It just must be for she will cross and suck anyone dry of their very soul if she is let. The few of us that understand have Great Compasion for she cannot do better and incapable of anything else.
I have been through my Mind and Feelings (which were all over the place at one point) about my friend. I have forgiven her for she cannot do or be anything other then what she is. This is rather sad and she is not a strong person As She covers up to be.
She is pretty much rather weak. She does have abandonment/threatened of abandonment issues and will set up for herself to Be Abandoned for she can be Too Much for anyone to take and has caused Much damage and hurt to many. Anotherwords many have run for the Hills and she will immediately devalue them.
As we all know they can make great demands on people either way...She values or she devalues and it can go back and forth and for some...it's just devalue. Depends on who you are and what kind of boundaries you have, and if none..good luck.
Now I have noticed that everytime she suffers a *loss* and sometimes she creates it she does expect others to Save this loss (when it can be stopped or saved) such as a business, her home, etc. There have been times when it was a close call and she had to buckle down when everyone was helping to either lessen the blow of the loss or even be able to help Stop and prevent it. But she must have been part of It...A team member for it was her team that was coming into play.
She did not. And there was a loss. She did want everyone to well *mother her* I don't know how else to explain it. Parent her?
Not help but take Care of and she did not have to take part in anything AS an Adult..(but she never ever did see it this way) and would lash out...always...at her mother. In every case, in every problem. At least with me.
I do see and have heard that the things she says...Is true. She may be N but the things she says and possibly where the problem started is so very true. And she is forever a Child and Very Mean at times and extremely hurtfull and will never acknowledge THIS.
That I do think is an impossibility. She just cannot grow up. Really Grow up and get it Together. She is abusive, yes, neglect and self centered, yes. She will steal whatever she needs to steal...from whoever...*emotions* for herself or ignore the others if deemed not important.
Now here is the thing. If she feels or not feels for others in Pain...I do see her at times..at least try to show empathy if she really does not feel it. This is the best she can do. Anotherwords she knows what to do but not how to do it. And it is not always Real but what can you really want from N's when they can give what they don't have.
I have also seen to date that the Reality of Things are not really what the Reality Is. To a point sometimes Yes..but they have a way of putting in their own Reality (which is twisted) but I do think the only way they can survive. They Add in things, they delete things and have no memory of what REALLY may have been. I'm not sure if they really do remember, partly yes and partly No...it's erased of out mind..and again...I do think this has to do with their own shame, feelings of non worth, or right out there...to deal with reality....Have they ever? It may be just to painfull and when they have caused the pain to others and will not acknowledge, will not have remorse (if that is even possible) then they wll try to Control *others emotion* either through denial, ignore, or whatever they do. Is this abuse? Sure is.
Which brings me to (Do they have Choice) which GS had brought up. I'm not so sure if they do. I do think that as N..maybe when they are being under attack and fired back upon...and you can Wound them....with a flicker..in the blink of an eye....of the harm they may have caused to others to Quickly...twist Reality..feel nothing...and empathy is for themselves and they know Abandonment may just be coming..Again So they wall up, Stone, and just don't give a Damn...they have other supply/source and are always set up for an Abandonment or Abandon First and will bring The Troops to back them up...From themselves of feeling any Guilt. They also seem to be on some kind of high. When it gets boring and they always get bored...they are off ...to something else.
Now the funny thing..(not funny really) is that I do see with my friends children, as young as they are, because they belong to her she thinks (she owns them) their personalites, their likes, dislikes, them just being an individual with their own *emotions*. She wants total control and although she is getting it..(they are to young to do any other) she is not in control of *what they feel* and they all feel something different and have different perspectives on things..don't' understand them..but do have them. She will go beyond the Call of Duty to *twist* gaslight them and then the ones that she cannot ..and somehow knows it..she will just....Devalue and not give a Shit.
But I do see that everything She Does or Does not do...Has something to do with Loss. Maybe her original Loss (I don't know) and it will be through all kinds of Control to regain whatever Loss she is feeling at the moment and right back to the Original. Which she REALLY don't GET or SEE.
Now there has been a Crisis and a death of her B/F's son. Is she feeling a loss, yes. Is she Sad, Yes. It is obvious and she is suffering..That is for sure.
She is also feeling threatened. She has known this (young man) for over a year (the son). And I do think she is suffering from some loss of control for it was taken from her and I do not think she Should/or have Had any unless asked and to be supportive of the Long Time Family, or her B/F.
This is another Tragedy and a second (son) family member within 6 months. She is feeling Grief and there is no way...NO WAY she can be experiencing what the Parents are..You just Can't. No one Can but the Parents who raised them..wiped their snotty nose, took them to boyscouts..etc or ..this Horrific Tragedy.
And I want to be supportive and I ask God to Grant me the kindness and the compassion ...to be supportive But I am becoming very distant...for it is getting Crazy.
This Loss ..has caused her to... Something
I have met the Mother of this Young Man and she would break your heart to where you want to fall to your knees She is in so much pain. She is frail and fragile and thought I was going to break her hand she is so..frail. She was wailing at the viewing. She is in such bad shape. I just cannot imagine.
I am supportive of my friend and while she was talking about herself I asked ...How is the mother...She answered as well as me and my B/F are.
The Sister? She is taking it better then Me.
The Father? he is worried and keeps calling Me.
I just wish everyone would go Home and it can just be me and him and everyone would leave him alone and stop pulling him in different directions
I was pulled over the other day on the way to church and said, Look you either need to give me this ticket or follow me to the church. My son was killed the other day and I am going to bury My son...
Now I understand that you think of others children as you would your own but this....is not the case...She is going Nuts.
I said nothing.
Later on from the Store she called me....and told me she was talking to college students and Said her son was killed and she just buried him. Again
Then that her two D's have lost their Brother...again....
This is going into a whole different *reality*....
Don't get me wrong..it is a ...they were like my son...he was like my brother....but She is taking this on Like THE MOTHER.
And it is Freaky and Scary to me.
I said, what? No his sister is his sister..who she totally left out...or even acknowledged her. And I heard her saying to her children, Right he was your Brother, right. And my girls are my B/F's daughters...he calls them his daughters..
Then went on to Rant about her mother...My mother did not come..she has never been here for me...I'm sorry that I was born and could not be as good as my siblings... yadda , yadda...but truly in ..Pain and feelings of abandonment. I asked, what are you telling me, what is this with your mother and why is this coming up, You feel not Worthy? No I don't feel Worth.
Then said, I know who my true friends are now..and they are the ones ...Who came and held my Hand, sent me Messages...and the ones she names were (new friends) and the people in the store who went after I told them and brought me an angel Necklace.. showed me empathy.
And in someway she is in direct hit on Me, I think. Not sure for I thought about it later and when the First Son was killed (which she did not know) I sent a card and pins of Angels for the Father, D and the one who passed on now.
And she is wounded...I understand this but I am becoming so distant..(in person) right now. I simply cannot do this. It is all just getting to Sick at the moment for me.
I am thinking of her and I do feel very bad for her but I do think she is Mad at Me for not having more empathy for her then the Parents...She is experiencing the Loss but she can Never like the Parents. Can anyone? Never.
I want to be kind. I want to be compassionate and to my best I am but I have to stay away for now. And that is out of compassion for I do not want to Lose it.
And I do think that everything they do is out of Loss...and no control...to where they become the Ultimate Controllers...if allowed ..always trying to *fix themselves*for the original Loss they ever had or trauma, I think.
And she did say and I don't know why...You are the second person I called....I know her mother was the first.
I know she is feeling abandoned and threatened and suffering more then I will understand...and it is with me now for I can not give her What she wants. There isn't anyone on this planet that can.
And I have never dealt with this part of a Crisis ( trauma of a sudden death) with my friend before and her feelings of her own trauma...because I do believe this is part of it.
So I leave this up to God...and I release it. I cannot feel more for her (as her son) then the parents...but I do feel for her and the loss. And I did somewhat kind of expect this but not to where she was calling him her Son..that is too much for me and a little freaky.
Love
Deb
