Mom's gone

[Gaining Strength]

I am just stunned that I have not seen this thread until right now. 

I am so sorry to read about your mother's death.  Though I fully understand that her passing will bring a kind of relief, an unburdening, a release from overbearing responsiblity.  But my sorrow for you also comes because there is a struggle, a suffering that transpires with the adjustments that follow the death of a mother - no matter the quality of that relationship.

As you have posted, some of those adjustments are tangible and obvious but as we all here know, so many of them take place on levels that we cannot pull out into our consciousness no matter how we try.  Those battles and those adjustments seem to be the most painful and most difficult.

My heart is with you.  I do care and wish I were there to hold your hand and give you a hug as you muddle through the estate and house issue.  I am so angry about the way your mother left things.  I am angry for you and angry for myself for the estate nightmares that I have (and still) endured. 

It is a slow burn.  The hellish issues last long past the grieving period and the support and compassion all but dries up just at the time you really need it.

I am thinking of you and feeling at a loss.  I truly long to drive over to your home and be there with you and help you continue this gross paper shuffle.  I want to sit by your side and encourage you and give you strength to conquer the miasma that the legal system shoves down our throat.  I know I can do this from here but I do long to be physically present wwith you and am sorry that I cannot be.  Instead I will be lifting you up and encouraging you from afar through this cyber space.

Much love to you Hops. - GS

[debkor]

Hoppy,

I am sorry for this Mess that you are left with.  Please I know you don't want to hear this but you Were Her Child and Acknowledged.   You are in the Will even If things have to be Sold or bought out.  You may have been left with a Mess but you Were left in the Will.  Her child. 

My H was Left out of His mothers Will and Only found this out After she was Dead and Ashes.  This was planned 15 years ago when his F died and his Sis and M sat doing the New Will where he Was not Put in This Time but told it would be 50/50.

All I heard him Cry was but I don't understand they were my mother and Father too...I don't understand.  I was their Son. I don't understand Mommy Said...to be met with...her reading the Will not even a Tear over his Pain and Shock and Betrayal.

and more Pained with his own mother who did not even Leave a Clause in the Will to be contested...for at least a fight of I am a Child.

I was left out of my mothers will (for protection of what would be half of mine from my ex h) and let my sister handle everything.
I had nothing to worry about AND the Attorney Sitill left Clause ..just in case...So I could contest if needed to be....

And she didn't even leave him with that Mess...He was left with the WAS I loved Less then my Sister Mess and betrayed by his own Mother to Not Knowing anything he Thought He knew...Imagine that...to not feel Mattered about....not even to leave a clause..of Her other Child even if it meant the coward way out...but they mattered enough for A fight!

Not even that. Not even closure of Did I matter to You the same as my Sister..or maybe that is the closure....Maybe the answere was No. 

At least you mattered in the End Hops...Your there acknowledged by your mother as her Child. 

Imagine not being and being told you were.

Fight Hops.  She gave you clause she gave you half...She gave you I have two children even if she didn't come through wth what she promised..She gave you something!!!  She gave you Name in her Will my Child.

Now you go get that financing.  You have lived there for many years you should have it.  You should have equity in the house to cover being able to be financed, No?  Then you split every thing there is to split and Sell what you don't want and Get a Nest Egg that way...It can be done Hops.

And to hell with your brother Fight Hops Fight she did at least leave you with this.  It's something.  Your ackowledged and I know my husband would have given anything to at least have that even if it meant losing everything...it would have mattered that she said he was Her Child and he gets something/half/ an old Sock....just something.

Love to you Hoppy,
It will be alright.

[lighter]

Hops.... I hope you can get that loan and find a very nice appropriate renter with similar interests.

You couldn't take in a renter before..... but you can now.

I've had some great roomaters.  Found fellowship too.

I'm wondering.... in this market..... won't it take a good long time to sell the place?  Maybe a year or so?

What are the terms of the sale and estate?

I hope it's not impossible ((((Hops)))

So sorry your mother put you in this unfair position. 

It's so wrong.

[Hopalong]

Thank you, GS...amazing how toxic the legacies can be, isn't it.
But Deb, thank you for reminding me in my self-pity and anger that It Could Be Worse!

In a way, it frees me. I don't want to mourn this woman who wore me out and kicked me out of a house I begged her to allow me to keep (even if I had to pay off my brother in some way, I begged her to not leave me in ANY way legally entangled with him).

And she did exactly the opposite of what I needed most. To boot, she explicity stated in her will that "the house will be sold". This goes on top, in me, of the memories of her silkily telling me that "a certain elegance is expected in this neighborhood" and in many other ways making it clear that I was not GOOD enough to live here. (Because she once thought of being an interior decorator in the 40's--well, she had the taste.) She, the priNcess of the house...deserved such pleasant surroundings. But I, as a politically liberal and sometimes contrarian daughter, did not.

I was good enough to be her Cinderella Steppin Fetchit for a decade, but not to leave our shared home. (Who'm I kidding? It was never my home. She made that plain.)

That is what I am struggling most to forgive her for--leaving me legally enmeshed with the monster of my childhood--WHEN SHE KNEW. Just as she knew of her own father's monstrosity, molesting her sister--and my mother always called her sister, his victim, "the difficult one."But...it's like forgiving someone for having an extra, or one less, limb. Narcissism is a psychic mutation of some kind, and I might as well think of it that way.

In the meantime, I am struggling to decide what is right for me. Here are the options:
--get a large loan to buy out Doug and have my monthly expenses double what they are now (for 30 years), which will leave me in an eternal financial strain. Unless there's some unexpected good fortune. Then again, this house is lovely and in a prime location, so its value will definitely rebound over the years as the economy does
--sell the house and buy a tiny place outright (or almost outright); more financial peace but less value
--rent (flexibility but no equity)
--leave town for a better job (not likely that I'd want to do that)

I enthusiastically WELCOME advice, opinions, thoughts...truly, VESMB siblings, you all have guided me before and I truly welcome it now. Thank you in advance for anything you'd care to write.

Mo2, the will states: I leave 2/3 of my house to my D and 1/3 to my S. The house will be sold and they will divide the contents by agreement.

What agreement? The S has slandered me all over town, destroyed the family and taken me to court! I had to change the locks! And we're supposed to have sentimental chats over candlesticks?

The woman was MAD. That level of denial of reality and toxic sentimentality is a horror to me.

But I am signed up to take a 3-session adult religious education class on forgiveness. I am still angry and have some bitterness but I know I won't linger there longer than I can't help. My setpoint is forgiveness, compassion, and good cheer. So I will get there.

Just now? I am disgusted with my mother, not feeling one bit treacly about her memory (though for her service I did write a poem that remembered the good parts, the tenderer parts of being her child...and she was an amazingly gifted teacher--so much so that she had a first-grader from decades ago at the service).

There was the public mother--who was awe-inspiring. Teacher to many, virtuous wife and mother and community admonisher (I have a folder stuffed with her letters to the editor on correct behavior)... the private mother was competitive, didn't like having a "pretty" daughter, etc, etc. Ugh.

So clearly, I'm still banging around in my skull. I'll settle down soon, I promise.

Meanwhile, advice on the Big Decisions is VERY welcome (I may not take it but I would be very grateful to hear it).

love,
Hops

[gjazz]

Hops.  OK, for what it's worth:
Fuck forgiveness for now.  Get pissed the eff off.  Are you kidding me?  You were there for her and this is the outcome?
Now, when the time comes, consider that she did leave you 2/3.  Take everything of value inside you feel entitled to, sell what you don't want, keep what you do.
And ask yourself: this lovely house in this lovely neighborhood--will it ever be free of these sick associations?  Or might a fresh start be liberation? I'm not suggesting an answer, just saying it might be worthwhile to really put yourself (mentally) somewhere else, free of the financial stress, free of the past, and see how that feels.

Yesterday I discovered my mother crying.  Thirty years after one of my NF's epic piece of shit asshole moments, it still destroys her.  We talked about it.  There were very material losses involved--he stole from her not only emotionally, but financially.  She has struggled ever since.  The one good thing?  She walked away from the N.  Actually, he walked away, and ruined several other lives along the line, the point being she was severed, physically, from the ties that bound her to those wishes, those unfulfilled dreams.  And finally, we laughed, because she's so very glad she did.

Not sure if that's at all helpful.  But it's from the heart.

[lighter]

I'm not sure what the terms of the sale are.

Do you remain in the home till the sale is final?

Do you have to make a house payment?

Does your brother have access to the property now?:

If not, when will he, if ever?

I'm hoping things remain the same until the house sells.

That you're safe there..... that there's no house payment and you can afford to be there.

Not sure what your situation is.

I know banks don't want to loan money now..... they don't want to take houses back either.

Is your brother making his share of the tax payments, at this point?

Insurance?

What do you think will happen over the next 6 months?

The will surely didn't say you have to sell the house cheap in a certain timeframe, did it?

My gut says you'd be happier in a smaller house..... all your own, without the emotional baggage.

I'm hoping your house is paid for, that you can live there for a good long while and get a roomate and save money while exploring other home options.

You took care of your mother for 10 years. 

You deserve to remain in your home, unmolested by your brother, till the economy improves and you can get a good price for the house, IMO.

At least she willed you 2/3 instead of half. 

He didn't completely bully her..... she could have willed him the entire house, I suppose.

(((Hops)))  I'm thinking there's a garden out there, all your own.... just waiting for your dance.

[debkor]

Hey Hops,

--get a large loan to buy out Doug and have my monthly expenses double what they are now (for 30 years), which will leave me in an eternal financial strain. Unless there's some unexpected good fortune. Then again, this house is lovely and in a prime location, so its value will definitely rebound over the years as the economy does
--sell the house and buy a tiny place outright (or almost outright); more financial peace but less value
--rent (flexibility but no equity)
--leave town for a better job (not likely that I'd want to do that)


Lets see a Lovely House in a Prime Location with a doubled expenses then what they are now for 30 more years and Repairs that always come up when you don't want them to.  Eternal financial Strain.  And life in this lovely home could turn into a lovely Prison in a prime location....OR

A lovely home that may be smaller and all cozy and warm and decorated Owned Outright or Almost where you come home kick off your shoes and lay back to It's MINE..A feeling of Peace and Security,  Living, Loving and HapppYYY!!
Maybe a Vacation or two..A savings...and A house that your LIVING IN and NOT LIVING FOR....
Now That's Value to me in all ways.  Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Ya!

Rent NaH...

Change Jobs/New Location..well not likely now but still would have opportunity to do this even with a smaller house to be sold when you want to...Just Go..or Not...but happy and stress free.  Freedom, Freedom, freedom..ya!

Maybe you can just go looking at open houses on Sundays.  Just see whats out there.  Imagine buying a small house and Oh so lovely decorated and possibly enough money to rent a Beach House for the Summer...

Oh boy, those were the days...I was 22 rented apt and had a beach house for the summer..Weekend, Vacation, Long Weekends...GONE... on the beach, flip flops and a bathing suit, shorts, Ah loved it.

Then the Family and trips but no Beach Houses anymore....Not affordable at the time had a family to raise, many bills, college, two in college at the same time..AND GOD I could not walk around in a bathing suit anymore, filp flops yes and to date.

Grown Children and one 14 Out Right Own my House and looks like beach houses can be happening Again....Soon..Maybe, and bathing suit, I dunno about that one although I am Meno so WHO CARES!!! WHO HOO!! It's My God Given Right as a Woman to be FICKLE NOW!!

Think Hops, Think Hard..

Love
Deb

[Sela]

Ya know what Hops?

Sheeeeeeeeee.......wasn't good enough.....did not deserve.....to shine the shoes of her lovely, kind, considerate, fair, trustworthy, selfless daughter (YOU Hops).  She was blessed with you and wasted all opportunity.  Regardless of it being her illness....it is still clear that sheeeeeeeee.......was the one who did not recognize the truly blessed gift she was given and who missed out the most.

No house, no neighbourhood, no four walls will ever equal what you have (amazing attritubes that allow you to truly live and to enjoy life's gifts).

Maybe......it would be best to leave that place where all the baggage is stored and find a new, safe, fresh home......where your brother will have no right to enter and where you can move forward without ever having to worry about being bullied or devalued again?

I know it sucks.  So much of it sucks but what you have Hops.......is priceless!  You are like a seed that is sprouted and will continue to grow into a beautiful, fragrant flower.  The two of them (your mother and brother) have been rotting from the inside out since birth and are like the smelly muck at the bottom of a swamp.

((((hug))))

Sela

[debkor]

Hops,

It is not easy to take care of an aging parent especially one with NPD.  You did this Hops with compassion and forgiveness and kept your mother as comfortable as she could be.

And she did exactly the opposite of what I needed most. To boot, she explicity stated in her will that "the house will be sold". This goes on top, in me, of the memories of her silkily telling me that "a certain elegance is expected in this neighborhood" and in many other ways making it clear that I was not GOOD enough to live here.

Now Hoppy what did she really make clear?   That she suffers from NPD and her Image she wanted to Project..*a certain elegance is expected in this neighborhod* and it's Mine and I am the only one that would EVER be Good Enough To KEEP the Image...So I take it with Me...Sell the House....My Image Stands even in Death.

Come on Hops don't do this to yourself.  There was no one in this World that would be Good Enough so she took it with her...It's to be put up for Sale...

So lets see here Hops..either

A She would force you both  Out and Neither of you buy

B) She was hell bent on keeping this Image even bringing it to death with her by *to be sold* not my house not my Image.

C) The new Image of the person who will be Buying her Home will make their Own Image and God Forbid her D be able to hold
    up that *certain elegance* that only she could for she would not allow it. 
 
D)  I left you more of the share for you did more for me BUT you must hold up to my Standards and I will make it very difficult
     for you to hang on to because as I once said...I don't think you are Good Enough at Image as I was.  Let's see.  It would be
     to easy to just give it to you and possibly then I may have not been all that *special* for you possess *elegance* not only inside
     but outside and nothing with you was for Show or Just Image.   Your just a lovely Person and You know that maybe inside
     I was never *good enough* for myself and that is why everything Outside must be perfect and I must be Lovely then. I really
     wasn't that lovely behind closed doors or to my own family. And maybe because I suffer with NPD I just don't see anything other
     then I want to see.

E)  None of the Above.

But Hops, Stop....the words you heard were coming from someone who suffered with NPD. They are sick people and you were a good D to your mother no matter what she suffered with.  Let those words go in one ear and out the other...They are a bunch of Crap Words.  You are Good.  I will not say Enough...There is no measurement to your Goodness it just keeps on Going. 

You know Hops the *certain amount of elegance* to live in the neighborhod can be as Fake as the people that live in them are when the doors close.

You are no Fake Hops Your *elegance shows inside out* ..

And Hops if you decide to Buy your Brother Out...I'd just love to Show up with a huge DISCO BALL the really Cheesy Ones in the Middle of your Yard with a Band Playing: 

Now Put your Hands Up in the Air and Wave them Around like you Just Don't' Care....Say!!! Ouu Ouu..

Have some Beer Trucks Pull up where you just go over with your Beer Mug and Hit Tap...Maybe some activities going on...such as...Beer Ping PongTables Set up..

Of couse Kegs for the People who want to do Keg Stands..

Some Boxes of Wine with the tap sitting on Each Table  You know the plastic ones with Duck Tape around the broken Legs and Someone who walks around with *shots* as we chant...Chug, chug, chug....

Oh and I saw a bar with a grass skirt around it that said...in lights...This way to the Tiki Bar.. but...also....A lit up Surf Board.  Throw in a Few lit up Flamingo's and Ballons on Each Mail Box straight to your House...

And of couse we need Hats, lays for our neck...oh maybe the shot glasses that come on a necklace...and the big Foam Gloves with the middle Finger pointing saying....Welcome to my Neighborhood....

Now put your hand up in the Air and Wave them Around like you Just don't Care...say ouu...ouu...

How's that for elegance...Think they Expect that....

Sorry Hoppy...Just trying to Make you Laugh.

Love to you
Deb.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Hops...

I second what GJazz said about letting yourself have a really good, thorough, well-deserved RANT (on paper, privately in your mental "anger room", here... wherever). Reason I say that, is that I find it's really, really not possible to skip over being angry to the forgiving stage... because then, I'm betraying myself - effectively saying I don't deserve to be angry... (pardon me french -- that's bullshit!) Get thee worked up into a right, royal tizzy... and then it's much easier - and time - to let it go.

::   OK... I'm in a weird space today... transitions of my own   ::

ADVICE:

well, Hops... the division of the property 2/3 to 1/3 sounds like she's challenging you. "If you want the house, I'll make you fight for it" kind of thing. Engineering more drama, from beyond.

Don't fall for it!

Put the house on the market - things are looking up real estate wise (tho' the signs of life are still mighty faint). First time home buyers are guaranteed a federal tax credit for buying and they ARE buying... remember this, when it's your turn! You're in a good location where faculty are always moving into and out of the area... and the local uni can be source of good leads.

You can continue to live in the house while it's being sold... but ask your lawyer if that impacts the 2/3 amount. I don't know what this does to the situation with your brother and the house. Back to the lawyer, for those questions.

And while all that's happening, your "meditation koan" for the next month or so is going to have to be: what do I really want to do? Here I'm being given this opportunity... what is it exactly... what does it offer?... what I can do (that maybe you've given up all hope of being able to do) with it?

It's a hell of thing to go through this. A lot isn't apparent immediately... (right, tt??... catspaw...did I leave anyone out? I think so.) Seems like it would've all been settled years ago during puberty or our wild & crazy 20's... but no... SOME of us, maybe all of us, get a do-over when we're finally freed from the vampire N's grip... later in life.

I've decided to not make a plan. Don't need one and I'm pretty sure I don't want one. I have an outline, and that's enough. I'm fortunate enough to finally have a chance to decide what I want to do-be-do-be-doo... when I've done nothing long enough that I can't stand it anymore. I'll know what to do when I get there. Gonna "wing it" this time... spontaneously and as the spirit moves me.

That works for me... but I'm certain it won't work for everyone! Closest I can get to describing what you need to investigate within yourself, Hops... about where to look for the answers to your questions.

[Gaining Strength]

What I want for you is what I hear in your words that you want.  I want it for you because I want it for me - what is rightfully yours, what should be.

Clearly the financing will not be easy, might not look possible, but perhaps worth fighting for.  I can't really get into giving advice but I can give support.  Follow your heart.  I believe in you Hopsy. 

I have found a place between repression and force that is allowing me to clean one tiny square at a time.  After lo these many months since you first gave me that concept, I have finally identified my barriers and then found techniques for overcoming them.  Right now your barriers are financial and emotional but I simply believe that you can get around them. 

I just want to be in your corner fighting with you.  What ever option you pick - I'm with you.

Oh - and I echo what GJazz and PR say about forgiveness.  I definitely encourage you to be angry first lest you slip into the netherworld of denial.  You have a lifetime of letting go and forgiving but now is the time to grieve and this loss enrages and I am referring to the mothering rather than the mother - grieving the mothering and nurturing and caring and giving and all that is entailed in the ultimate paradigm of mother that you lost, that never was.  Allow yourself to grieve that and be angry.

[lighter]

I can't even imagine a negotiation between your brother and you, regarding contents of estate.

I don't want him in your home.

I don't want him touching your things.

I can't believe this happened to you, Hops.

Your mother made a deal with you...... it seems she shouldn't be able to go back on that contract.

Especially when your brother snuck around and had her sign a secret will when she was already out of her mind.

Makes no sense..... seems that wouldn't undo the verbal/original? contract she'd made with you?

So sorry, Hops..... it's so wrong.

 

 

[Hopalong]

I owe all of you individualized thoughtful answers and am so tired I can't even think of the words.
For tonight I CAN say

THANK YOU

Fwiw, the deal is:
I'm in the house
I have housemates who are now paying a good chunk of the expenses
I'm paying the rest
I've been pre-approved for financing
I have to go through the court to offer my brother a buyout (am making it nice and low)
I give up on the invoice idea (attorneys both say won't fly)
I do have a smaller totally documented amount I paid which I WILL invoice (times I paid the nursing home, etc)

I think it makes most sense to try this first.
It will let me be here and breathe my way into the next chapter without being forced to sell at a terrible time in the real estate market.
I dread moving and I am in a state of exhaustion.
I don't have to make this a permanent choice.
I could sell next year or even later and still buy another small place.

But I could breathe a bit and be untangled from him if I buy him out.
Being forced out on HIS timetable is a bad idea, emotionally.
(Worse perhaps than staying here and making it my own despite her implicit lack of support for the idea).

She is gone really gone, and the house stuff is just...more surface than that core thing.

But I'm still unsure, uncertain, and I need to let that be okay.

Oy, sorry not to write you each...will do, but I'm cramming bank appointments and lawyer emails around
looooooooong workdays.

much love,
Hops

[gjazz]

Breathe, Hops.  Sleep well.  The mantra is:
I'm
Almost
There.
I'm
Almost
Free.
And
I'll
Get
There.

Very soon.  Feel the weight lift.  Let your friends help. 

[sKePTiKal]

Uncertain is good, Hops. It's wise & smart & means you're looking out for yourself.

Uncertain means there's room for something NEW - something DIFFERENT than what you're used to. Uncertain means that change is greasing the wheels of karma... and only time stands between you and what you're longing for. Yes..... plenty to do! and not all of it fun or pleasant.

But you're up to it. You're ready. You know what you want. It doesn't all have to get done all at one time... all things in due time. Sounds like you've made a heroic start - you've gotten the process rolling! Now release the outcome, being involved at the critical points to keep things on track... and care well for yourself while others carry the process forward.

Your news sounds very, very hopeful!