Oh No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HELP!

[changing]

Hi Izzy-

Oh My Lord. Even with your current physical state and the horrible shock of being " hit by a killing machine", you handle potentially emotionally upsetting events so well- I think your honesty and fairness are key here- no hidden agendas, etc. to dilute the true feelings and thoughts or subvert your actions. You were the odd one, the swan that the ducks did not recognize...
Perhaps your sis sees it now and is attempting to make sense of things and set things right in the best way that she can- I'm glad that she gave you acknowledgement that meant something to you- that is precious.

Love,

C.

[lighter]

I think your sister sees her own circumstances with emotion....

she seems to draw blanks when applying emotion to the feelings of others, however.

That doesn't mean she's evil.... it means she can't do it.

She doesn't understant that she owes you an apology..... that she should ask for forgiveness.

That doesn't mean she shouldn't be forgiven.

What it means is.....

your expectations, of her, should be in line with reality.

If you choose to provide her with more information about your dire history, that makes sense to me.

Perhaps she will have an epiphany?

However, I wouldn't take up that task until I was healed and feeling better.

I think that pretty much sums up  how I felt about this from your first post in the matter.

[Izzy_*now*]

Thank you changing


You are so sweet. I have never seen/thought of myself as a swan, but the idea of being the different one is not foreign and therein lies the rub.

and Mo2,

Your post is very interesting. At the time Sis had A. with her and I was in hospital, she was the only sibling not working out. She was home with her 2 girls, one 9 months older and one 9 months younger than My A. (3 cousins in 18 months) Her husband was attending University, they lived free on a farm of his friend, and had little money. I think this period defines her as having risen above the "_______" and both now have a Master's Degree, and daughters are a teacher and a Lawyer.

(I spelled that out because  I wonder if they expected financial assistance?) I don't know where any money came from. This set up was their choice. She would buy 2 ply paper and split it into 2-1 ply rolls. I was there once before the crash and she had delicious pea soup. I asked her for the recipe and she wouldn't give it to me. I saw later it was peas from her garden done in a white sauce of proper consistency. That's all. Yes she grew food, and dessert was a heaping spoonful of vanilla ice cream sprinkled with flat jello squares: good but inexpensive. She knew how to pinch pennies.

Into the midst of this, she took on my A. and $50.00 /mo (1969). I had but $12.00 to my name as I crashed, but then anything received in gifts etc went into my bank and I was able to send her that much. A. had a good supply of clothing, as I had made her a number of outfits for that upcoming summer. It is not difficult for me to see that they were in quite the situation, but no one had met A's sitter Colly. A. didn't get to Colly's until time for kindergarten.

Yes I say she sees that time 'as her being the martyr', or sticking to a deal that they never left their girls with 'strangers' by staying home with the girls while hubby bettered himself. I never asked her to take A. This was all decided while I was on death's door. A. was smart enough to say to the first sis who came for her, the one who slapped her, "What about Aunt Ruth with Go-go (The dog!)?"....a gal friend from 1956 who was coming that day for the weekend. Had they asked, A. could have told them who her sitter was, Colly, and that would have saved 3 disruptions in that summer....

Just something about sis' life then.... so true: she sees that life of hers with emotion. So yes, I feel guilty for expecting her to bring A. more than once---the importance of my seeing her---just as their importance that she stay home with theirs, but I never asked how she disbursed the $50. Cheap eh? Babysitters were $10/wk then. I was paying Colly $12/wk.

What apology Mo2 and when? and yes I would, because you are seeing something I am not. I agree she has meant no harm. I think she knows all my history, old at that point,

I better stop trying to think. It is 6:15 and I haven't slept all night, the pain.

Stick with me
Love Izzy

Edit] I need a system to put my leg in this seated position, as I sit

[lighter]

 

We know you should have been gifted visits with your child over those months in hospital.

Your sister listened to A cry for you.... she knew too, on some level, as a mother.

She just didn't have the energy or the presense of mind to make it happen, overwhelmed with 2 small d's and a garden and making do, as she did. 

She may well have been depressed and struggling with having another little charge in the house..... not understanding she was depressed.  Not being able to put it into words bc she doesn't understand either.

That this sister doesn't emotionally terrorize you with alienation and outbursts, when you speak honestly, is a gift, just as her caring for A was a gift.

Family should be able to give, and receive, these kinds of gifts.

A gesture or offer of care and help, in these later years, certainly would have gone a long way in healing past hurts.

I think it's best to always assume people are doing the best they can do, at the time, no matter how poorly they're doing.

It makes it easier to forgive them, at any rate.

Keep growing and healing, Izz.

I'll always stick with you.

[Izzy_*now*]

Awwwwwwwww Mo2

You are so sweet to bear with me and spell it out. My mind was drifting and I was losing it and had to go to think.

Edit] I need a system to put my leg in this seated position, as I sit

I needed a seated position for when I lay.

It's what I've thought all these years, an apology or an explanation.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with those thoughts and I see that you, as well, can see that I am grateful she cared for A., but yes....something was amiss.  And yes, that was the life they chose, but they didn't do so on the basis of 3 little ones, only 2.

She is the Sis who will try to stay around for the answer, try the most hard to explain, along with me. The other 2........poof!

That this sister doesn't emotionally terrorize you with alienation and outbursts, when you speak honestly, is a gift, just as her caring for A was a gift.

Do you really mean this??????????? Like out of guilt?  WOW!

Thank you so much. I'm seeing what I'm saying. What a time in my life!

Love Izzy

[debkor]

Iz,

Ok what I see from your post about your Life Story which I loved to read is that the family did Care but as far as *emotions* for themselves or POV they ran Flat.  Very Flat emotions...Oh My poor dear girl, dear sister...and everything they did was Sensible.

Another words they Never Let Emotions FLY...fall apart, get hysterical, do all the things that One does when *emotions* Are all over the Place and you just let them Fly....

The sensible thing  is... You break, we take care of and care for, you heal and you get back into life Oh My Goodness such a terrible thing and where is those* Emotions* that you want to put your fist through a Wall that you Scream and Cry.  I don't think anyone could afford to Feel Them what would be the Sense. 


Maybe they all have lock boxes of their Own..

That is why you were probably looked upon as  Strange as a Child, the Scape goat,  You showed *emotions* and were teased because of your NEEDS...NORMAL NEEDS.   So you became a loner and did the sensible thing.

That was never enough for you though Izzy.  You searched for years to find out Where you Went Wrong but you didn't go Wrong you just went *under ground* with your needs and your feelings. 

In the hospital Izzy they should have moved heaven on earth to make sure that you D and you were together As Much as Possible that those Needs that had to be Met were of the Top Importance for you both and for your Healing Process for Family Healing of such a Trauma that had hit the Entire Family. 

The *emotional* POV should have bee Everyones Needs and Izzy I just don't think they can Let them FLY...They have to be sensible and that meant.... Life goes on with Everyday Life And when your Sis says... She really Cares... She really Does (I think).

She's thinks about people though with Strong Feelings about them and at the Same time... I noticed that she wrote..Yet I have not sent an email since....which is no excuse why ...but almost like she is saying... I FEEL HUGE FEELING....AND GREAT CARE...yet I suck at getting Emotions out There....BUT I SWEAR I CARE. 

And her emotions are flat but I'm trying to read between the Lines....

I see statements Iz.

I dearly love, Dear Niece, I care, Yet, I have not emailed......I see no excuses ...I see her taking responsibility in the, Yet...
with what seems to me like sadness (like she is saying) Please Know I care Although I SUCK at this *emotional* support.

You don't deserve thisThose words say a thousand Words Iz, No?
To say this she has many of feelings and thoughts about you, care, concern, sorrow. 

This I believe..  I also think that she has lots of remorse and guilt... Yet I have not


Now the one post where your Sis Blasted your Butt with Curses as she screamed I'm a Christian ..Well ..HOT DAMN IZ ...She lost control and her EMOTIONS were FLYING because as I remember you sent her an Article about Narcissism and I think that ...You hit a Sore Spot....AND SHE WAS PISSED....because I do think she applied that to herself...
Who Knows.. GUILT.. that she buried..Can't Touch THIS.. I AM GOOD...and there goes Freaking Strange Izzy who had all those needs Grown Up and talking about Things that SHE CAN'T TOUCH THIS..

I don't know about that one Iz for you think she may be N and the N I know which I have talked about Narcissist and the Traits  directly to her  didn't respond that way.  She never responded WITH it applied to her and talked about many other people she thought were. 

And I think Iz from that Post your Sister was so Pissed she did the .. I'm the rubber your the Glue everything you say Bounces off of ME and Sticks to you.  But your sure as hell Triggered Some Thing In her.

There is Lots to Think about Iz and AGAIN I am just thinking ....I don't know Iz but I see Lots of Guilt all over the Place not sure about that one Sister though that was a hella mad at you.


Love
Deb

[debkor]

Hey Iz,

I tIn emails with this sister and words of caring and sharing from afar, she answered with odds and ends and then this:

I dearly love
yet I have not even sent an e-mail
That doesn’t mean I don’t care at all.
You don't deserve this!"

And add in anything else she has Said to You.

Now  what we wrote in separate Post.

sounds like your sister's emotionally distanced
she doesn't understand it and can't figure it out...... but realizes something's askew.
 Sis is not seeing things from an emotional POV, then that would be why she might have thought it unnecessary  Edit…With Many Things.
know it sounds strange but truly she knows nothing on how to show them.
sounds to me like *remorse* and the best she can do
She SUCKS at *emotional support* does not know how to express it and is sorry for this.
distant from Most Probably her own emotional POV never mind anyone else's.
Does it not seem that she is starting to think about things?
You don't deserve this!" I take that as support.
Perhaps your sis sees it now and is attempting to make sense of things and set things right in the best way that she can
sister sees her own circumstances with emotion....
she seems to draw blanks when applying emotion to the feelings of others, however.

That doesn't mean she's evil.... it means she can't do it.
Just something about sis' life then.... so true: she sees that life of hers with emotion.
I agree she has meant no harm
She just didn't have the energy or the presense of mind to make it happen, overwhelmed with 2 small d's and a garden and making do, as she did.
She may well have been depressed and struggling
not understanding she was depressed.
Not being able to put it into words bc she doesn't understand either
That this sister doesn't emotionally terrorize you with alienation and outbursts, when you speak honestly
She is the Sis who will try to stay around for the answer, try the most hard to explain, along with me.
Do you really mean this??????????? Like out of guilt? WOW!
Care but as far as *emotions* for themselves or POV they ran Flat.
Never Let Emotions FLY...fall apart, get hysterical, do all the things that One does when *emotions*
I don't think anyone could afford to Feel Them what would be the Sense.

Maybe they all have lock boxes of their Own..
Strange as a Child, the Scape goat, You showed *emotions* and were teased because of your NEEDS...NORMAL NEEDS. So you became a loner and did the sensible thing.
The *emotional* POV should have bee Everyones Needs
Life goes on with Everyday Life
I FEEL HUGE FEELING....AND GREAT CARE...yet I suck at getting Emotions out There....BUT I SWEAR I CARE.
also think that she has lots of remorse and guilt...












ook out some things from all Our Post...Go over this... Take what applies and leave the Rest Out. 

[debkor]

Oh Sorry ..

I'm tired and the ending was... Look at everything we wrote and take out what applies and Leave the Rest alone.

Deb

[Izzy_*now*]

OMG Deb,

This is Pure Gold! What insight you have about my dysfunctional family. Even I, who lived it, could never have put it this way, as much as my troubled mind was most assuredly trying.

I can see that the rages Dad had that were followed by beatings, shooting cats, beating animals, emptying a gun into the ground (which comes terribly close to wiping out his whole family) and Mom’s tight-lipped response, we children were faced with seeing this.
None of us did it!

A normal farm family: 2 parents 5 kids one without red hair , me, a baby brother who died, who is remembered by (me), would be 63. Father on School Board: Mother President of Church Group Kids work hard, do well in school. Yep all okay, except that little brown haired one is so damned sensitive, (me) spends a lot of time alone. Hmmm well normal enough I guess.

Yes. I was pleased that I never fought back like Dad’s rages. I was a good girl I remember all 3 sisters fighting back. I became the oddball, go to see psychiatrist at 20 to find out what is wrong. The others all obeying the law…nothing wrong with them. All got married. I didn’t. For almost 50 years fight a losing battle with therapists who find nothing wrong, yet I know there is and finally told Counselor last year that I might just have our roles reversed. No proof.

You don't deserve this Those words say a thousand Words Iz, No? AGREED and I wondered why, but told her it was a very intimate and caring statement. I felt her concern.

And when your Sis says... She really Cares... She really Does (I think)  AGREED!

yet, yet, yet, yet, eh?

Now the supposed N one, I asked her how she saw me back when such and such an incident happened, an incident that was a setup of me on her part. She BLEW! Right! I was supposed to have forgotten? and she knows the bible backwards to protect herself.

Oh what an eye opener, and yet (yet) none of them went to therapy. Only I did the things that were different!

Wonderful Deb, Better than a therapist to piece all this together and you don’t write like one of us, so you cannot be one of my sisters in disguise.

Much Love
Izzy

--and thank you for the next with all the pertinent statements. A treasure trove of understanding from my friends. What a goldmine. What a day to rejoice!

Love
Izzy

[debkor]

Hey Iz,

(lol) yet we are all sisters in some sense.    We just got to Look in and give our Thoughts and then Cut and Paste and you do the this one goes here...that one goes in the garbage...ect. 

And your puzzle is forming a Picture....
 
Love
Deb

[lighter]

Really an amazing cut and paste job, Deb: )

You're so very kind and I know it's appreciated.

((((Izzy))))

It's helpful to see that all written out like that, isn't it?

[Hopalong]

Morning, Izz...just wanted to remind you I'm perched in a chair with a cup of tea, wincing my way with you through the morning routine. Taking your mind off your troubles with some bad jokes or fine morning flute music, or  just sit. Got a pot of tea in a cozy when you're settled...

Deb, you are so solid. I've really appreciated and admire and been helped by your posts lately.

Hey Mo2...chin up? You're sounding steady yourself.

hugs all,
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

hiya Hops,

I thought I felt some fresh breath down my neck this a.m. but was too tired to get up already! "Wincing your way"...WOW You've been there? Wince, and roar, is right. Keep needing new postions, so finally remembered on tummy. Works great!...until I have to change again.

Was Searching for 'positions' and came across a couple of articles about people's pins bending, and their hardware causing bone to die. Removal necessary. These were 'walkers' though. I have a nephew with this hardware. He limps badly and carries his x-rays when traveling by air.

One bad part is the upper thigh at the groin, swollen twice/thrice it's size (sorry no pictures) and in certain positions the "fat" just hangs unsupported full of paining neurons. I use an long elastic bandage. and wrap to keep it all tucked up, for transfers. I knew what nurses would say so show them and begin with, " For the 20 minutes, or so, that".... but one still managed to sneak in the possible problem, cutting circulation, and I held firm on my few moments that provides relief. I bet that leg weighs 3 x normal weight.

I sent my brother a note about his shingles and he said this was second time so a few antibiotics and all gone and, "You must be well back into you independant ways!" HA! 

Yes! Cudos to Mo2 and Deb. Very insightful! I was thinking about 2006 when eldest sister and her hubby were married 50 years. I was thrilled for them, and I made the most beautiful card, as I heard nothing about a party. I had beautiful things, golden things placed just so, wrote a short meaningful message, printed and mailed to them. No acknowledgment of that.  I even remembered the day, but acknowledged it. I'd drop flat if someone remembered the date of Joe and me. I also remember her saying once that her favourite singer is Jann Arden, and she has a song about "It's buried so deep inside, maybe no one can find it!". ??? and a time long ago before Anita, that I was there and hubby was leaving on a trip. He asked her to come up and have a 'nap' with him before he had to leave for the airport. She looked embarrassed and said, "No"! (They did have 2 kids.)

Uh boy!

Sleepy...gotta Go!
xxx
Izzy

[lighter]

I bet you were a wonderful mate to Joe...... I bet he wished he could have held it all together.

(((Izzy))) Rest and remember to drink a probiotic, Activia for example, about 30 minutes after taking any antibiotics in the future.

[Izzy_*now*]

Am just up from my nap.... from a phone call...

What do you mean, Mo2?

I never heard of that and I don't have any. The w'chair cab won't stop at drugstore for meds, will bring me straight home....so I need to get the Rx in and then can get a probiotic?

thanxs
Iz