ah Lighter... what is it about N's that it seems they have ESP?
I was keeping myself busy yesterday, clearing out my junk-pile of a basement and thoroughly enjoying myself. That afternoon my mom calls and right after asking what I was doing home... she wanted to know if I was starting up my art. S I G H
I spent some time working through that issue this morning. It all goes back to negative attachment for me... shutting down, withdrawing, trying so hard to NOT BE... in an attempt to survive as me own self, instead of the mom-projections, expectations, prescribed thoughts, feelings and activities that SHE wouldn't risk doing herself.
I got myself to the point of realizing that this is my last-resort control... like a 2 yr old tantrum... an existential NO. It's the adolescent "screw you, you can't tell me what to do, who to be, who I am". And it all makes some weird kind of sense to me that I defined total freedom as denying myself art to spite my mother's projected, self-frustrated, warped self-image of herself as an artist by constantly picking at me and whether or not I'm working on anything creative. As though I'm trying to kill her off - through denying all that within myself.
Yet another thing to add to the "Things to let go" list.
Metal sculpture - playing with big boy tools like plasma-cutters, welders - seems interesting to me. I like building things out of wood - nothing is as satisfying as the 2x4 framing of new building. Same with the garden... but it's far from formal. The only "bones" in my garden were suggestions from my horticultural hubby... my beds themselves look like birds planted them: a happy, mixed up texture of color, shapes, and heights. R-brained!
After 20 years of mostly NOT making pictures and feeling guilty about it... I've found I'm still plenty creative. And I LIKE the broader definition of creativity - art - that includes food & cooking, interior design, sewing, gardening, absolutely silly, tacky-fun stuff in unexpected places... like the kitty gymnasium, toy bar over their favorite shelf, the crazy flamingos, palm trees & chili pepper christmas decorations that stay up all year... things full of life and not meant for a dim, climate-controlled museum (mauseleum of "art").
And then, there's the "Art of Being". Talk about a new medium! I'm applying that same energy of creativity to myself... and making some empty, negative space (by tossing/letting go) for new stuff to take root and go off in unexpected directions. It's all the same thing as painting pictures of poppies or landscapes... and maybe more valuable and longer lasting. More "relevant", to appropriate an art term. And it's something I know my Mom CAN'T do!!!
Since I don't know how NOT to be creative (it's my natural state of being; my husband teases me about how I will move something a fraction of an inch to make a more pleasing arrangement - even if it's just a stack of papers) I'm just indulging myself in applications of it that don't carry the old resistance, resentments, and baggage... of trying to make pictures. Making this completely my own; gaining confidence; seeing where else it might go and ENJOYING how it feels... before throwing down the gauntlet and challenging the bugaboos of blank paper or canvas again. I've got TIME now to explore this... let it expand... and pay attention to it. A rare opportunity for me. I've been waiting for this time for very, very many years. No plan, no definition, no expectation... as if birds planted it. Organic. R-brained... feeling my way... to whatever - not even the end result is all that important. As long as it feels good to me.
