Author Topic: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...  (Read 2130 times)

sKePTiKal

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Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« on: April 16, 2009, 08:23:26 AM »
As of this morning, I am officially "retired"!

No more external, imposed expectations, schedules, tasks, or obligations to serve the needs of others... except those I willingly choose to accept. At the moment, I'm allowing myself an undefined amount of time to not enter into any new obligations, either. It's rained here for two days straight... cold, drizzly rain but this morning is clear, sunny and looks to be a fine day.

Time stretches out in front of me to the creative void... and I feel myself loosening up, unwinding tensions, and relaxing into it. No wish or driven need to fill that time - even though I've got a long list of things to do around the house & yard that I WANT to accomplish. I'll get there - there's no required deadline. No pressure. No fear that there's something wrong with doing nothing... that there is something I "should" be doing.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...... it feels really good. Not strange like I thought it would yesterday. No anxiety... no heldover negativity - I left all that at the office and let others take my old work struggles during Happy Hour last night - without punishing myself, for a change. Without feeling that there is something WRONG with being happy, content, and enjoying the fact that I CAN not work "for the man" anymore. And I don't even feel a sense of rushing into anything new... of needing to fill the void - right now. It will happen eventually, gradually, organically. I don't have a plan for the "rest of my life"... and that is the BEST THING of all!  :D

I don't need to be needed anymore. I can vacumn, do laundry & clean the bathroom in any order and fashion that I choose to do it. I can spend the afternoon pruning back the lavender and pulling weeds... deciding where to plant a new rhodedendron and what I'll cook for dinner and I'll have plenty of time to cook it without being "used up", exhausted, and in need myself, of nurturing as a result of working all day.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I think I'm going to go enjoy this now.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2009, 09:44:25 AM »
I'm going to picture you pruning lavendar and selecting a perfect spot for the new rhodedendron, Amber.

What a lovely post: )

debkor

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2009, 12:34:53 PM »
Oh very nice.

And on those nice warm summer nights you throw on your P.J pants, tank top, flip flops, grab the DVD Player and sit outside and watch a movie with that sweet smell of lavender scents.

Enjoy!

Love
Deb

changing

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2009, 05:02:45 AM »
Dear Phoenix-

Congratulations!! Well done, oh good and faithful servant! Now is the time for YOU!!!! Please keep us posted so we can enjoy the good life vicariously!

Love and Enjoy,

Changing

Gaining Strength

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2009, 11:52:34 PM »
Wow - I knew you had had enough but I had NO idea that you would have left so quickly!  How in the world does it feel?

I am so glad for you - glad that you have the econmic freedom to let go.  I hope peace comes to you and fills your heart and soul.  Much love to you PR.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2009, 06:45:14 PM »
Thanks everyone!

But I can already tell that there are plenty of new challenges... opportunities to learn to be different. I've had to follow my old weekend schedule of "recovery" time to do nothing - because I felt I just HAD to get some lawn work caught up. So I over-did it... and my muscles are "thanking" me for using them with aches, sunburn...

so next week, I'm going to have to learn how to take it easy on myself... and thankfully, it's going to rain for a couple of days!  :D
It's going to be awhile before I can undo all the sitting my job required of me and get my stamina back. So gradually is the means to that end. And right after that, on the new list, is practicing "princess-hood" - something I've never really done... massages, manicures, long baths... and dressing up for no reason except 'coz I want to. Allowing myself to read for hours on end. Watch Oprah, if I feel like it...

I'm hermiting, right now. Spending long days alone happily by myself. Trying to figure out how to just BE... instead of DO all the time. And trying not to make plans and lists about how that is "supposed" to be... just "going with the flow" for a change. And now I've really got the time to think about topics that are brought up on the board!  And enjoying the space between now and when I decide "what comes next".
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2009, 10:58:31 PM »
(((Amber)))

Are you painting at all?

Any plans to set up easle in the garden?


sKePTiKal

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2009, 10:22:10 AM »
No, not painting... yet. I've deliberately postponed any decisions about art... creativity... for the time being.

You see, this is one of my biggest N-mom areas of conflict. It's a long story, but the gist of it is that my artistic self started out both as a projected idea from Mom - and also as my way of denying her this means of "control" of me. Yes, I'm pretty good at drawing/painting realistically... and yes, I worked really hard to get that good. Yes, for a long time art was the only form of personal expression that I was permitted and it functioned as a form of therapy for me, too... when I was daring enough to tiptoe into symbolism.

One of the known issues I have with how I worked previously, is that most of my images were predominantly L-brained pieces. Excruciatingly detailed, overly planned, "safely" within a lexicon of a definition of art that no one could deny... and that therefore didn't really say anything that wasn't inane or banal. Small-talk art. Over time... I saw a progressive retreat into safer, and safer images. Illustrations... botanical art... emotionless, dead, wallpaper-decorative images. This type of art was ACCEPTABLE.

It's a great metaphor for what was happening to ME during that time period, too. At least until I finally remembered what I'd blocked... the burr under my saddle blanket... and pulled it all out and dealt with it. Creativity - while I was still in the dark - got transferred into my tech work and troubleshooting... and self-destructiveness|negativity|obligations to others while denying myself.

So, with the transition away from work... I'm simply allowing time to do it's thing with me. I'm not making any plans (and because of interminable delays in settling the estate, I'm sort of forced to wait to make plans for some things...) about ANYTHING right now. I'm letting myself shift and drift from a L-brain way of approaching my life and work... into a more balanced R/L brained way of being. I describe this as becoming more organic... integrated. Less artificial. More real, authentic, genuine... more me.

This transitional time is like preparing a new bed for planting... sweetening the soil (letting go negativity)... loosening the dirt to allow air, rain, sun and microbes do their thing... and choosing what to plant where. I have seldom been allowed - or allowed myself - this kind of organic, integrated, connected change over an extended period of time. It's incredibly valuable... and I don't want any preconceived notions about "who I am" to get in the way of being open enough to discover "who I am NOW", ya know?

One of the profs attended my farewell party at school. He teaches Religion/Philosophy. We connected through music - he's also a fan of Eric Clapton and the folk music of the 60's. He got it immediately, when I replied to his question: what are you going to do now?

I told him, well - instead of do-be-do-be-dooooooo.... I'm just going to "be" for a while. BE is a lot more important and valuable to me, right now, than DO. It matters more. DO will sort itself out, if I'm able to BE ME, long enough to get to know ME, now. And it's just time right now... for me to BE instead of DO.

Hope that makes sense! Ha-Ha! It takes a lot more effort and practice than I expected it to... careful listening... but everything else up to now has been preparation for this time... and I'm not going to let it slip away through continuing all the "old me ways of being" just because it's who I used to think I was. Doing things can get in the way, even... so I'm very careful about what I choose to do right now.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2009, 10:40:39 AM »
Amber:

I think I understand.

Perhaps, when it's time, you'll pull out art mediums you've never used before?

Beginning fresh and new, might be easier to focus on, if you're hands are diving into clay or pushing and pulling unfamiliar pastels around paper you've never worked with?

For some reason, I see you, in the garden, working with multi media sculptures..... plyers and wire and glue

(oh my)

and paint and glass and discarded treasures and new handmade treasures and just anything and everything.

I'll tell you this.....

it will be interesting to share your return to creativity,

right brain style: )

(((Amber)))

sKePTiKal

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2009, 11:00:41 AM »
ah Lighter... what is it about N's that it seems they have ESP?

I was keeping myself busy yesterday, clearing out my junk-pile of a basement and thoroughly enjoying myself. That afternoon my mom calls and right after asking what I was doing home... she wanted to know if I was starting up my art. S I G H

I spent some time working through that issue this morning. It all goes back to negative attachment for me... shutting down, withdrawing, trying so hard to NOT BE... in an attempt to survive as me own self, instead of the mom-projections, expectations, prescribed thoughts, feelings and activities that SHE wouldn't risk doing herself.

I got myself to the point of realizing that this is my last-resort control... like a 2 yr old tantrum... an existential NO. It's the adolescent "screw you, you can't tell me what to do, who to be, who I am". And it all makes some weird kind of sense to me that I defined total freedom as denying myself art to spite my mother's projected, self-frustrated, warped self-image of herself as an artist by constantly picking at me and whether or not I'm working on anything creative. As though I'm trying to kill her off - through denying all that within myself.

Yet another thing to add to the "Things to let go" list.

Metal sculpture - playing with big boy tools like plasma-cutters, welders - seems interesting to me. I like building things out of wood - nothing is as satisfying as the 2x4 framing of new building. Same with the garden... but it's far from formal. The only "bones" in my garden were suggestions from my horticultural hubby... my beds themselves look like birds planted them: a happy, mixed up texture of color, shapes, and heights. R-brained!

After 20 years of mostly NOT making pictures and feeling guilty about it... I've found I'm still plenty creative. And I LIKE the broader definition of creativity - art - that includes food & cooking, interior design, sewing, gardening, absolutely silly, tacky-fun stuff in unexpected places... like the kitty gymnasium, toy bar over their favorite shelf, the crazy flamingos, palm trees & chili pepper christmas decorations that stay up all year... things full of life and not meant for a dim, climate-controlled museum (mauseleum of "art").

And then, there's the "Art of Being". Talk about a new medium! I'm applying that same energy of creativity to myself... and making some empty, negative space (by tossing/letting go) for new stuff to take root and go off in unexpected directions. It's all the same thing as painting pictures of poppies or landscapes... and maybe more valuable and longer lasting. More "relevant", to appropriate an art term. And it's something I know my Mom CAN'T do!!!   :P

Since I don't know how NOT to be creative (it's my natural state of being; my husband teases me about how I will move something a fraction of an inch to make a more pleasing arrangement - even if it's just a stack of papers) I'm just indulging myself in applications of it that don't carry the old resistance, resentments, and baggage... of trying to make pictures. Making this completely my own; gaining confidence; seeing where else it might go and ENJOYING how it feels... before throwing down the gauntlet and challenging the bugaboos of blank paper or canvas again. I've got TIME now to explore this... let it expand... and pay attention to it. A rare opportunity for me. I've been waiting for this time for very, very many years. No plan, no definition, no expectation... as if birds planted it. Organic. R-brained... feeling my way... to whatever - not even the end result is all that important. As long as it feels good to me.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2009, 08:32:01 PM »
PR,

BLISS, to hear about your freedom.

HORROR, to hear
Quote
mother's projected, self-frustrated, warped self-image of herself as an artist by constantly picking at me and whether or not I'm working


Don't let her. How about telling her you will NOT be discussing your work or lack of work with her any more, and practice the boundary of politely but firmly ending any call when she brings it up?

You DO know you have the right to draw that boundary, right?

It's like a firm decision to not discuss religion or politics with someone. You have to TRAIN them to respect your new line in the sand...


love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #11 on: April 22, 2009, 10:56:33 AM »
Yes, Hopsy dear, I know. I don't and haven't discussed art with her for many a year...

just trying to get past the anger, the old residual blame... just trying to let go my total resistance at my own expense when there is a boundary violation. It's the old "I can't punish her, so I'll punish myself" crap...

... and paying close attention to the nuances between setting a preferred boundary versus holding on to old hurts. There IS a difference. For instance, M02's question about art doesn't provoke the same reaction in me as when my mom asks. When I look at why... it's pretty interesting. Mo2 is asking out of interest in me, I think. She's genuinely interested.

When my mom asks - it's a red-alert violation of privacy... and the steel gates come down; slammed in anger.

I am completely denying the possibility that maybe my mom's motivation is closer to Mo2's and she's innocent of the evil intent I'm attributing to her. It's a knee-jerk reaction to past violations, sure. And I can justify my reaction - rationalize it into being OK - by reminding myself how many times I've tried to "go there" and she's done the same thing for the umpteenth time. The real problem I'm seeing here is how intense my reaction is...

you know, bringing in the big guns to swat away a fly. Getting all worked up over something I've had to do so many times, that it ought be SOP by now. Being continually surprised that nothing has changed... and having to face the fact yet again, that I am not able to educate her, help her to grow, to learn to be different - and that no amount of sacrifice, penance or self-abuse is able to penetrate her inability to see herself and how what she does affects other people.

I can set my boundary and enforce it... but the rest of the equation, is also letting go my reaction and full-blown resistance at the first indication of encroachment on a "touchy subject". And that means fully accepting that I care way too much, still - about her acceptance of ME and approval... and still hoping that she can SEE me, for who I am, instead of who she projects I am. Still giving her way too much power over me... in my own mind, at least.

So I need to allow her to be herself. That's what I want her to do for me. And I can protect myself from the same old games - jeez, I think I can almost smell another round coming! And I have to work harder on realizing that I need to let go the old defenses... my old way of dealing with her... because hey - 40 years later - she's still the same. It's OK that I've failed.

So now I have clear out the old things that I've been hanging on to... those knee-jerk reactions... for my self. Then we'll see if that was what was really in the way of my working on art stuff or not. Could be that art just isn't that important to me - to my self-image. Could be that was just something else that was projected on me. After all, the less I've beat myself up about not working... the better I've felt about myself... the free-er I've been to set boundaries, to feel good, to value other things in my life more that some color on canvas or paper...

Art may get added back in later... but right now, I'm OK with who I am without it. I'm not driven to make pictures anymore and that hasn't affected my ability to be creative in other ways. The more I can give up resisting my mom... while being aware of what she's projecting and protecting myself from her games... the more I find out who I am, sans her expectations of me - and my expectations of her. That is like an old rotting carcass that I've carried around with me for too long like some kind of talisman of proof that I'm justified in having very little to do with her... rejecting her in return for her refusal to see/accept me.

All that does is keep me engaged in the struggle and stuck to the rotting carcass. Time to stop seeing her as such a threat - throw away the useless smelly carcass - and finish up what I've been working on so long (discovering my self and creating a NOW self, instead of just repeating what's come before).
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Tuned in, Turned on, and Dropped Out...
« Reply #12 on: April 22, 2009, 12:41:16 PM »
Amber:

You have the tools and information to identify the changes you want to make.

Your posts remind us how difficult it is to consciously check our emotions and reactions.....

to make sure they're rooted in the NOW.

The past is gone..... the future's just a dream.

All we have is this moment.

Thank you. ((()))

It takes discipline to keep our heads where our feet are.