Left-brain - Right-brain

[Gaining Strength]

PR - I am getting clear on something.

I have been involved in a couple of other forums and have make some interesting discoveries.
One thing that has come out is that my left brain craves stimulation so that it will drown out the screaming pain of my right brain.

One of the things I have been working on is meditating for 2 20 minute sessions per day.  Wow!  is that hard.

I had NO IDEA how loud that right brain was screaming.  It is very, very surprising and illuminating to me.

It is time for me to balance the two.
It is time but it is not going to be easy.  Allowing that right-brain side autonomy is like stepping back into the horror that I denied was horror as a child.

[sKePTiKal]

It's very, very, very, very, VERY important that your forays into R-brain awareness are comforting, soothing, feel-good experiences. I can't stress this enough!!!

Yes, there is still pain lurking in r-brain... and fear. But r-brain's true province - it's specialty - is that all-pervasive sense of "all's right with the world". Finding those r-brained types of experiences helps to manage the fear... and finally comforts the old the pain - so that it stops - heals - goes away. You may have to force yourself into those types of experiences (and yes, meditation - if it's not a "forced duty" - qualifies; it must "feel good"). I had to force myself. Still have to prod myself, ya know?

There's plenty of time to deal with the old pain. But it's vital to establish that r-brained awareness that is positive FIRST - so that pain doesn't become "all that there is" and overwhelming... paralyzing.

Simple things that worked for me: wrapping up in an old snuggly blanket, touching or holding old "comfort" items, looking at sunshine through my eyelashes... blurring reality... rocking in a hammock. Petting a kitty. Tai chi, later on... drawing, was a phase and tool... the feel of pencil on paper - and the thousand hours of journaling - never worried about repeating myself, going over yet again - anything. Just spilliing my gut out in pencil marks on the page.

These things FELT GOOD. And helped me to learn to BE more centered in r-brained awareness, and not be overwhelmed with either positive/negative things.

[Gaining Strength]

I am only able to read your first line.  It will take me some time to process what you are writing but I am getting it.

I wrote on another forum about what I am getting to.  A dear soul replied that the voice that is coming through now is my intuition, my true voice and it is supplanting that right-brain voice that is from the pain, the one that had to be drowned out by the left-brain reasoning.

I see that there is the "true" right-brain which must be the one you are referring to and the tormented right-brain, the voice of which has been the loud conscious, sub-conscious, and unconscious voice that drowned out the true right-brain voice.

These minutes of meditation and the EFt I have been using are allowing glimpses into the calm.  I am just now entering this whole new realm, a realm of real hope for a full life.

[Hopalong]

Because I seem to have a squirrel in my head, I've always been an oh-look-a-BIRD! terrible meditator.

So for me guided audiotapes, with headphones, are a big help.

Have you tried that, GS? The headphones help me still myself, and listening to a soothing narrator lets me substitute THEIR voice, with their calm, reassuring narrative, for my own anxious one.

(I love hearing about the work you're doing, visualizing you as just BEing and not WORKing at it, one day soon...)

much support, cheers, courage, kudos...

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks for the support Hops.

I have been doing the quiet meditation for a couple of reasons but one of the most significant reasons is that any words actually activate my left brain.  I know it is not true for all but it takes everything I have to turn off all sound to begin the meditation. 

Just being in silence is ridiculously agitating to me. 
I have only recently understood why.

So I think I must allow the left-brain to be utterly quiet and then let the pain stuff (those critical, parental voices that I internalized so deeply) rise up like a steam valve so that the true right-brain self can send out smoke signals of survival every now and then.

All of this is allowing me to quit "trying" to get things done.
"Tapping" and waiting allows something to switch on and off and suddenly, without prompting, without thinking, without "willing" some task gets done. 

It is a strange process and not very reliable as of yet and completely against the way society thinks one ought to move forward but I am becoming confident about it's efficacy and I am thankful that I have a place in this world where I can share this with humans, some of whom might understand and more of whom will be supportive.

I am, as always, thankful to have found a place where others understand what it was to grow up with N parents.  It is a strange and debilitating world to live in and an even more difficult prison to escape from and in the free world it cannot be spoken of because noone there understands or believes about life in the N parent prison.

I wish I would say to someone in my 3-D life - I'm making progress.  Let me tell you where I am now in my healing from N parents, today I actually did normal everyday things, things you might take for granted. Well I can't do that in the 3-D world but I can do that here  - thank heavens and thank Dr. Grossman.

[sKePTiKal]

Hey, GS... I'm a bit more centered this morning and will try explaining better, my experience with all this. But first - I wanted to make clear that I think what you're doing is absolutely the right thing... it will work. And I think I'm a very real person in 3-D!  I heard you loud & clear!

A couple things worked for me, to occupy the L-brain chatter long enough, completely enough, to get glimpses of the r-brain awareness - my r-brained, happy - "it's all good" - self. One is simply sitting outside, and watching the birds I feed (and the rest of the outdoor menagerie) play. Pretty, bright yellow goldfinches know that I supply lots of thistle and bird seed. The wood peckers know I hang up suet & seed blocks for them. And the robins and squirrels and bunnies all come very, very close to "visit" me in the mornings... they know I won't hurt them or scare them. I just let myself watch and enjoy them. It feels good.

Tai Chi also worked, because L-brain had to remember the order of 103 different moves - some of which are repeated at different points. Each of the 5 sections of the long form, have a different order. It's hilarious to me, that I learned to memorize this order so well... and L-brain was so obsessed with the memorization... that it was during a ranking test performance, that I got my first glimpse of intense R-brain self and that awareness so freaked me out that I completely botched the order!    Yes, there was a painful memory - I saw Lbrain jump up & down in evil, abusive glee in my mind - saying "See? I TOLD you... you can't do anything right... you ALWAYS screw things up!" R-brain experience - that feel good, centered, place - was considered "dangerous" and a serious breach of the "rules".... bad. According to L-brain.

It took me a year of thinking about this... looking at it... and the book Stroke of Insight... to finally understand that experience. For me: L-brain is the home of ego. And it's Ego that feels pain. Ego, for me, is the one screaming I AM IMPORTANT TOO. But the kind of emotional abuse we've endured in repeated, constant streams... somehow perverted my ego into becoming the abuser - I guess, as a defense mechanism gone mad... so that I would put myself down, internally heading off, hoping to divert the expected worse abuse... and continued long enough to become a habit, to disallow r-brained well-being. [edit: OK, OK, tortured syntax.... it's still an accurate description]

The last thing that worked for me, was the computer game Bejeweled. There was just enough to "do" for left-brain - trying to match colors & shapes - that left-brain's "guardian of the gates" attention wavered... and up would come all kinds of unrelated bits & pieces of r-brained memory. I just let them come... most of the time there wasn't even a thread of a sentence or thought. It was sensation memories... little tiny chunks of the past. Of me...

I didn't have to do anything with them. Just say: oh, I see - hear - remember that. Acknowledge it. Let it come up and file itself away into the "puzzle" of me... playing this game became a structured way to take a "r-brain break"... to stroke and soothe r-brain... and to disable L-brain's egotistical, abusive control over r-brained experience. It couldn't do 2 things at once!

So when I started putting all this together, I began to see that I was my own worst enemy. L-brain's "Guardian of the Gates" mentality was the problem. It's fear of r-brained experience was unfounded; unjustified. It didn't have to keep on beating me up for my "R-brained moments" that, like "senior moments" seem unproductive, silly, or just fun... just being or feeling FINE. Heck, that r-brained stuff is ME TOO. And L-brain has nothing to fear from it... it's not a threat to L-brain's "Git R Done" processes or self-important needs...

So I started practicing being both at the same time. First in tai chi... then, little by little, in other things I do. It's very easy for me to shift my center of gravity more to the left or right - as the situation warrants - though moving right takes a bit more attention to "letting go". And I'm still practicing - a LOT. There isn't any "right" combination... or any "ka-chunk" knowing when it's the "right" balance... it's ALL "right"... wherever I am at that moment.

My L-brain has a tendency to think that I have to meet some specific criteria all the time, to be acceptable. It's WRONG. Just flat out wrong. That idea is stupid - and you can't fix stupid. Stupid isn't "bad" or shameful... it's human and I have to accept and allow myself those moments TOO. Like the times I find myself putting a hot coffee pot in the fridge... duh!  (too r-brained moment)

But IT'S OK THAT I DO THINGS LIKE THAT, now. It's OK, if I still need to vacuum or haven't brushed the dog... I did other things that needed to get done - or I just had FUN... so it's OK. There simply isn't any real "waste of time" - not even spending hours watching the birdies.

And I think that overall, I've become more "functional" with this practice. I'm much less reactive (tho' my mom is still a problem area). And I'm seeing that those "weak" points that I'd beat myself up about, are one side of an equation. On the other side, is a NEED. If I address the need... (become my own "good" mom to myself)... then L-brain's nasty comments don't have any basis... and it shuts up.

PHEW... OK... that's a lot of babble about me and what I've been doing. Maybe sharing this, you'll find something useful; maybe not. Like I started out... I think you're on the right path and you'll start seeing the same kinds of things very soon. There is peace and RELIEF and COMFORT there... and I'm sure you're going to find it very soon.

XOXOXO (((((((((((GS))))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Most of my life I have been in over-drive or in retreat (something like reverse), both of which cause me to spin my wheels and get stuck further in the rut.  As I continue to do the meditation I am finding that neutral is allowing me actually function. 

It is some kind of a brain loop that I read about in Schwartz' book.  Trying hard or retreating do not allow me to engage, they keep me in the brain loop. 

Not neutral but engaging the clutch - allows me to shift gears and move forward.

my being finds the longing to retreat or be involved with other people very seductive but the only growth place for me is to put in the clutch and shift gears.  Even knowing that it is not easy to put myself there.

Keep moving in that direction.

[Gaining Strength]

Things are opening up.  It is quite bizarre.
I'm driving down the street and the image comes to mind of my father keeping me from participating with friends. Immediately I see how he curtailed a normal progression.  Immediately I see how resentment built and crept into my being.  Immediately I see how I chose to be cut off in order to preserve my place of belonging.  It would be an ultimate sacrifice for no belonging what so ever.

I was given a prayer attributed to Mandela and I rearranged it an and changed the voice from 3rd person to 1st.  The body parts are EFT tapping points.

Mandela’s Prayer (revised)

My Greatest Fear is not that I am inadequate. (Eye Brow)
My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure. (Side Eye)
It is my light not my darkness that most frightens me. (Under Eye)
I was born to make manifest the glory of God within me. (Under nose)
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around me. (Chin)
My playing small doesn’t serve the world. (collar bone)
I am a child of God. (under arm)
My mother excoriates, “Who are you to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?” (head)
Actually, who am I not to be? (Eye Brow)
 It is not just in some of us, (Side of Eye)
it is in every one, (Under Eye)
And as I let my own light shine, (Under Nose)
I unconsciously give other people Permission (chin)
to do the same. (collarbone)
As I am liberated from my own fear, (Under arm)
My presence automatically liberates others. (Head)


This speaks directly to me.
My father and my mother demanded that I shrink and become worthless.
I never understood nor believed it.
Understanding Narcissism helped me claim it.
Claiming it has not yet released me but it has helped me move along the way to being free.
This prayer helps me claim it.
I will be reciting this over and over and over until it finally sinks in.

I feel guilty for doing anything for myself. 
Now I know why.
I feel guilty for having nice clothes (I don't have them)
I feel guilty for wanting a nice house.
I feel guilty for thinking I deserve a clean, happy home.
(I also feel guilty for living in a fithy, cluttered one.)

What really releases me in this prayer is the last part -
"As I am liberated from my own fear my presense automatically liberates others."

For whatever reason the concept that doing something for myself does something good for others gives me permission.

Only in struggling with this prayer am I coming into that darkness of the power of the Narcissistic demand by both of my parents that I fail and have nothing.  That I become and live like a worm.  They demanded and I complied.  Coming out of this is extraordinarily difficult.  It is wound into my very consciousness, into my being.  I don't know how to be anything else but a worm, a low life undesirable, rejected, belittled, snarky worm.

To want anything nice for myself is anethma.
To expect to be welcomed and included is a joke.
To desire nice clothes and a lovely home is greedy.

To be without fear and shame - lifts others out of their fear and shame.
Wow - that is so empowering.
So empowering that it feels as though it must be for someone else other than me.

[sKePTiKal]

This is huge, sister.... HURRAY for GS!!!

You keep finding exactly what you need... to meet your needs in the here & now. Cherish that talent!
Thanks for sharing the prayer! It's "spot on"!

[Hopalong]

Amazing work, GS!

One thing occured to me.

Of all of the yearnings, just one represents you wanting something that doesn't come from others: the house.

Maybe I snagged onto that because it's where I also act out self-neglect.
I do it (by not caring for it) to myself.

With the same shaming results, but on top of the emotion, there's the physical discomfort and stress of dirt and chaos.

I know my domestic dysfunction is traceable to those "Cinderella" messages too.

Now, I am passive, tired, uninterested in my own life...the house reflects it.

I spent $100 getting help this weekend... it's tidy now and I'm enjoying that, but I feel paralysed about how to maintain it.

Ahh, piss. Grumpy feelings.

xo
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - It means so much to me for you to share that.  I helps so much to know that you understand and that you care.  It is so shaming and so frustrating and even I keep saying to myself in some voice, "Just get off you a** and get to work."  But if only that were the motivator!

Of course I have such compassion and empathy for you and your house situation.  At times it is almost too painful for me to read about your struggles concerning it - too close to home.  I know that I will get through it and when I do it will be a real accomplishment one that will carry my through anything.

PR - I thank you for understanding and for the encouragement that I so need.  I always know that you will understand.  I am amazed at how hard the struggle still is.  I truly believed that once I figured it all out the transformation was a given.  Not so.  The twisted mind that happened so young is so hard to overcome.  But I can't give up the fight - there is no option there.  I am tired of the fight but I have no choice.  Thanks for your encouragement.  Thanks for understanding the lonely, alone human.

[BonesMS]

This might be a flash of insight.....

I grew up living in an attic, (LITERALLY), while GC got an actual bedroom.  Now that I'm out on my own, I realize that I keep re-creating the "attic environment" everywhere I go.

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, GS... I understand. You might imagine that an artist's house looks like something from a magazine. Unattainable goal, I'm afraid. I fight the same struggle because hubby is a collector - a magpie attracted by shiny, bright, interesting things and gadgets. He has collections of models & toys & tools for the "someday" that he might have time and interest to play with them. Legos even. At 55. It really is his joy to "have" these things and he doesn't really understand that I can appreciate something without owning it... but I also have my stash of "stuff" for sewing, art, various crafts... and my basement is such a disaster, that my daughter and BFF both took one look and remarked that it reminded them of the Hobby Shop that my mom & stepdad ran. Mom is a pathological packrat. Hubby & I are both guilty of contributing to the clutter; and we both know when to let go... though he takes a little more persuading!

I've been periodically working on that, as the spirit moves me. The rest of the time I'm either "not doing" or doing things I don't normally do. Breaking up the old routines, habits. Letting myself intuitively decide "what now?" Without rushing into it... and there is no such thing as boredom, for me. I'm perfectly happy on my own during the day... puttering or "wasting time" online or reading or sitting watching the grass grow.

For too long, I've believed that I'll win the validation of whom? my mother? society? by throwing myself into constant doing... becoming a slave to my house and gardens... and the only thing I've gotten is exhausted, sore muscles, dust allergies and sunburnt! So I'm changing the motivation for why I do these things... if I want a table cleaned off - I just start. If I don't finish - so what? And if I just don't care - right now - I don't. Same with the beds in the yard... the clutter in the basement. I'll get there - when I'm good & ready. I'm even letting my priorities change... evolve... whatever. There's no pattern; no plan; it's just me, organically. Adventure on the high seas of clutter & being!  (arrrrggggh!)

It's part of transition, I guess. I never know when a transition begins - or where I am while in transition - and sometimes I haven't recognized these at all, until the transition is over; past... and I'm different or in a different place. I think you're in transition too, GS... I wonder what you'll be and what will be important to you when the transition settles you into a new you?

[Hopalong]

Wow, Bones.
You must've felt like Cinderella...

xo
Hops

[BonesMS]

Wow, Bones.
You must've felt like Cinderella...

xo
Hops

While I was growing up, it didn't really register.  I had lived in the attic ever since I was little.  I later learned that my older, adopted, sister was consigned to the basement until it got too damp for her to stay there.  The more I look back at that scenario, the more I keep asking:  "Now what's wrong with this picture?"

Bones