:Insidently, how did you end up with a N-mom, a N-dad, AND a N-husband? 
I guess there are a few answers to that question.
Ever hear the expression, "You marry your father." For better or for worse, that's just how we form attachments, so the theory goes.
I met N-husband when I was just 19. I had moved across the country to go to university and escape my toxic home life.
I knew no-one, and soon became desparately lonely. I was an extravert and seemed to be able to approach people easily, but I couldn't make good friends. The reason I couldn't make friends is pretty obvious to me now -- I simply couldn't learn socializing skills from my N-family.
First year away I met my husband. He seemed so DIFFERENT from my dad because he was from different part of the country, a small town (vs big city), different life goals, different build and hair coloring, yadda, yadda. But despite these very superficial differrences, he was the very same as my father in terms of having no capacilty to connect with people, or to care for them. But how was I to underrstand that character flaw when my yardstick for comparison was so warped? Heck I even felt a sort of comfort with this kind of dysfunction.Besides, he certainly met my needs at the time -- he LIKED ME!! What more could a girl on her own, with low self-esteem and few social skills ask for?
Sure there were lots of fights and there was little enjoyment together. But keep in mind that I never had a mother who I could turn to for advice, wisdom, direction, a sympathetic ear, etc. Any time I tried calling her on the phone of course it was only to hear herself talk about her problems. Again, I didn't realize at the time that this wasn't how moms were supposed to act.
I guess over the years N-hubby and I got busy with careers and kids --fighting all the time together, but getting by never the less. As the kids came along we fought much less, as the decent thing to do. Trouble was that we never got closer with our cease fires, we just got more distant. As we we connect through fighting, or we don't connect at all
Truth be told, I started studying psychology and one day had this MAJOR epiphany of sorts -- "OH, wow!! So THAT'S my parents problem!! They are full-blown narcissists!!"
Then it took a few years to slowly allow the painful (but obvious) realization that my husband really is a narcissist as well (not as bad as my parents though). I guess it took me a long time to own up to this because, hey, who really wants to confess that they ended up "marrying their father."
My recovery was slow too because I think that I was narcissistic for years along with him. The too of us were obnoxious together when with others. Also, I felt that whenever we had fights I deserved what I got, so I was too focussed on my own faults to see his problems (and sad as it may sound, it was less painful to confront my own flaws that my husbands).
Our marriage is sad. I just read a book, "Too good to leave, Too bad to stay" on how to deal with ambivalence about lousy relationships (stay or go?). The author would conclude that I should leave, but she doesn't understand that there are three kids, and if I end up making a mistake then that would be the most unforgivable offence of all.
My struggle continues. Thanks for asking.
