Regrets

[Ami]

 I can finally see my M's face. It is the face of an idiot,a fool. I took what she said about me and hated myself . My F is a scared rabbit sucking up to the Big Bad wolf. Maybe, he wanted her to get us so she wouldn't get him. Maybe, he fed us to her or he just abdicated and she took us.
   I can finally see both of them.
  I cannot believe how much I hated myself.
 Alice Miller talks about the child destroying himself b/c he WILL not face the truth about the parents.
 I did this.
 I feel exhausted seeing it and coming to the end(hopefully) of this part of the denial.
 Richards's essays on Healthy N seems to be the way to go now. I need to find the specialness in me and build that inside myself.I see that my aunt and my guitar teacher have a healthy N. It does exist in people and I need to find it.
       Ami
 

[getnbtr]

I can relate to you Ami. I remember talking to my dad about what my mom would do to me when he left the house. I told him over and over again until I was left sobbing because he wasn't sure that I was telling him the truth, of course she painted a much different picture. I remember yelling out of the window for someone to come and help me after he left for work one day and she had beaten me while I was in the shower because I didn't put my clothes in the hamper before I got in! The neighbor must have talked to him about it because he came to me and asked what had happened.
That night after I told him what and why she did what she did and that I was going to talk to people at our church to find somewhere else to live. I heard him talking to her in the bed room next to mine. He was mad...never heard him mad before. It sounded like my NM had the devil inside of her, her voice was low and loud and very mean, I could hear him telling her to stop and I knew that she was hitting him! This seemed to go on for a long time. He was trying to ask her direct questions and she was ranting about her childhood. After that he just ignored me for the most part. I felt like I didn't have a chance at an easy survival from then on out. He did make it very clear to me that we could not talk about this and that, "You know how she is." That is what he would say to me every time I tried to talk to him about anything that she did to me again. He would try to take me with him when he would go somewhere other than work to keep me safe I think. Then she became jealous of the attention that I was getting.
So, I can see them both too. I always said that my dad didn't have a backbone and took the easy way out and both of them did not really associate with our neighbors. But they always would say, "What would the neighbors think?"
God I hated that!!!!
I am trying to find my specialness too. My healthy friends are a good model for me. I have finally given up trying to please N's!!! I wish that I had known that I didn't need to a long time ago but I was so scared that no one would believe me. I remember a time when I didn't believe myself, what a screwed up positions to be stuck in!!
Best wishes for your travels into a healthy place...you will find it!!
 Where there's a will...there's a way!!

[Ami]

((((Get)))
Thank you. I appreciate your support and kindness.        Ami

[Dawning]

I cannot believe how much I hated myself.
 Alice Miller talks about the child destroying himself b/c he WILL not face the truth about the parents.

Dear Ami,

I am glad you know this now.  Now you know that there is no need to hate yourself.  Be you, love yourself all the time - even when others would have you believe differently to suit their agendas - and most agendas are rigid.  So discard rigidity and flow like the ocean waves, a mighty river or a trickling stream.  Movement in loving yourself.

I can relate about facing the truth about parents too.  Recently, I emailed my father and told him what was unacceptable.  It took me 40 years to do this because I could not face the truth.  It took another devastating sexual relationship and subsequent fear of loss of the "friendship" (my pattern since 2004)  to get me to face the truth about my father and FINALLY confront him.  Confronting him (through emails but still...) HELPED counterbalance the regrets somehow.

Dawning

[SilverLining]

I can finally see my M's face. It is the face of an idiot,a fool. I took what she said about me and hated myself . My F is a scared rabbit sucking up to the Big Bad wolf. Maybe, he wanted her to get us so she wouldn't get him.
 

Hi Ami. 

I think this is a good breakthrough.  When you can clearly see them as something other than yourself, and the craziness of what they are, then the relationship can be handled differently.  They can be dealt with as "insignificant" others.  As Dr. G suggested, it's the development of different pathways in the brain.  It's new and possibly frightening territory, because we have been conditioned from birth to treat the parents as all important.   

In recent weeks I've had similar experiences.  All of a sudden it seems my detachment from the FOO situation has increased, and I see my father for a babbling idiot.  If he gets a little bit crazier he'll be down on the streetcorners preaching, or sitting out in public talking to himself.  But he hasn't had to resort to this yet, since he has a family conditioned to put up with his nonsense.   My mother is somewhat better, but still very self absorbed.   The trick is to recognize the conditioning for what it is and work to handle the interactions differently.  Then I can work on building better relationships outside the family.

[Ami]

I am glad you know this now.  Now you know that there is no need to hate yourself.  Be you, love yourself all the time - even when others would have you believe differently to suit their agendas - and most agendas are rigid.  So discard rigidity and flow like the ocean waves, a mighty river or a trickling stream.  Movement in loving yourself.


Dear Dawning
  Thank you for your post. I am starting to see the foolishness and destruction in hating myself.  Love to you,  Ami

[Ami]

Dear Silver Lining
  I appreciate what you said.If we were  not their children, they would seem  like ridiculous ,babbling fools.We were conditioned, as you said, and that is where the problems arose.Thanks for your post, SL.
                                                                                                      Love to you,  Ami