My MIL is conflicted after death of her NM

[gratitude28]

I have the best Mother in Law. She has shown me what a true mother can be. I am blessed that she was sent to me.

This winter, her mother, a cruel woman, passed away. My MIL went to visit her every few months, gave her money, and, near the end, blood and anything she could to help keep her alive. Throughout it all, her mother cared not one bit for her and never found her more than a nuisance. They are from a small town in Mexico and she had over a dozen children, but had only one she loved....
On her deathbed, she told my MIL that she was sorry she never loved her the way she should have and yada, yada, yada...

Before she passed away, MIL felt peaceful - knowing that she had done all she could for her mother, in spite of her cruelty. However, after her death, she is pained and sad... depressed even. I think this deathbed "confession" has to do with it.

I listen to MIL and don't know what I can say... I just listen for her...

Any thoughts on this??? Any help on what might move MIL from her depression and sadness???

Love, Beth

[lighter]

It hasn't really been long since her mother passed, Beth.

Maybe a little more time will do it?

Maybe reminding her, in a letter, that she's a wonderful, daughter, mother, MIL and wife?

Maybe just sitting with her quietly, holding her hand?

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to lose someone, who's love you'd always hoped for, and not received. 

You lose so many things....  the ability to hope, for one. 

The reality is, she'll never receive what she was wothy of.  It's too late and she has to mourne the loss of hope also.

Mourne the loss of habits and rituals involving the care of her mother, too.

Does she have any interests?  Any passions she now has time for that you could help her re-discover?

I'm glad you have each other as chosen family.

Mo2

[Ami]

Dear ((Beth))
 It seems like she has to mourn reality Perhaps, she had made peace with a different reality before her M died. Now, she has to face actual reality .
Your MIL sounds like a lovely woman who brings grace and beauty to others. I am glad that you have her Beth. It seems that we ,as children of NM's with all the pain that entails, do get wonderful gifts as well.  I do and always have. I  have wondeful and unexpected people come in to my life.
 Your MIL sounds like one of these.                      Love   Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Beth, why not let her know directly, how much you've come to appreciate her... what she means to you? That she is loved and valued by you. Maybe plan a special activity for just the two of you when you can talk.

It won't substitute for her hopes of a relationship with her mom, but it might ease a little of the pain... knowing that the connectedness she values exists with others. And M02 is right - time will also help. Lots to process, you know? And none of it keeps to a schedule.

[debkor]

Hi Beth,

I don't know what to say.  When my mothers's father passed (she helped around the clock) and upon his death he confessed to her and asked for forgiveness. 

She had dealt with her feelings of her father all her life and I'm not quite sure how.  There was no one she talked to back then. 
After his passing she had a very hard time and turned to drinking to calm herself/numb  and she shut down and became depressed.  She ran from everything in her life just to not have to think about anything.  Including Us.  She eventually snapped out of it as fast as she snapped into when she did something so very stupid and so very cruel and sent me flying into my fathers arms passing out and screaming when she dropped to the floor in front of me and played Dead.  I was 16 years old.  I was in some state from that and my father had a handle on what was happening to her more then I did.  He calmed me sat me down with my head between my legs and went over to my mother and said..Get the F up and she would have to deal with herself or get out.  He never cursed.  The day after my mother wished she was dead for what she had done to me and then it stopped. 

After that she went to talk to a priest a few times and she never drank again or acted as she had.  I do believe she was at peace and told what she couldn't say to any other.

At my mother's own death on her death bed for days she spoke of people that were in the room.  I looked for any distress signs to see if she would say her father was there.  She never did.   Everything good in her life (people who had passed) she said was there.
She truly was at peace.

I don't know what my G'Fther had done to her but I'm sure it was a lot worse then he was a mean man.  She never spoke of any thing he did to her other then that.  I know there was more and I know when he asked for her forgiveness it set her off.

I don't even know if she forgave him.  I think that she forgave herself for not forgiving him.  She had to be told though (I think) by who she spoke to that it was alright to not forgive him for what he had done but let it go.  I think she confessed her true feelings/nighmare to her higher power. 

I did not realize this until later how strong her faith was.  When my father died and on life support just being kept alive with machine's and brain dead she would not remove him from it until a priest told her it was alright to turn them off and let him go.

I don't know Grat's but the build up the deep deep feelings (my mother had) came to a final blow especially when my GFter asked for forgiveness (the set off) that drove her to the edge and then he was gone.  She seemed more tortured by him confessing at death again for his own purposes right before he would have judgement day and was mad that he put her in that position of forgive or not forgive. She didn't I know she didn't at that time and it tortured her more because he did not do it until death do he part.

It was more a confession to God then to his child and it trapped her more at that time with her feelings then it ever had before.
To her this was cruel.  He was afraid of where he was going and only upon his death did he confess.  I think Grats.  I'm not really sure. 

It was weird Grats but the forgiveness she needed to give was to herself for not forgiving him for what he had done to her his whole life and upon death.

And then I think she forgave him by just letting it go.

Now I'm not really sure about this for she never spoke of anything to Us but she did speak to the Priest.  Immediately after there was change and my mom was mom again.

Just talk and listen Grats.  The depression she is going through is normal.  There will be many things that she will go over in her head and heart.  She is lucky that she has you to speak to.  You understand.

I did not.

My sister did though.  She knew my mother would respect and listen to a priest and how she had faith.  She brought in a priest to the house while she was drunk and of course she refused him but the next day she went to see him Alone.  There was immediate change.  I do think she confessed and forgave herself for not forgiving him at the moment of death because he told her it was alright not to and to be angry of such a request that he left her with when she was not ready. 

Then she let it all go (I think) which is forgiveness. 

I'll never know for sure and this is my preception of what may have happened. 

Love
Deb

[Hopalong]

Hi Beth,

As the codependent child of an Nmother who just died...I think I can say that I am grieving for myself.

Maybe your MIL is, too.

I grieve the loss of years and energy and desperate efforts to get blood from a turnip. I grieve the novel unwritten and the adventures passed over.

I did love her, but she was unable to love me warmly back. So, had I been healthy, I would have ensured that I sought enough love from healthy people who were capable of affection, to meet my human needs. Instead of assuming that devotion + loneliness were somehow the "right" way for me to live.

I believe strongly that some combination of compassion and care is due to every old person. But if you hand over your life to an ungrateful parent figure, well, you hand over your life. It's nobody's responsibility but my own, but I was a combo of Florence Nightingale, Jesus, and resentful doormat.

When that final door closes, we see we can't get our time back.
If we gave it away, and gave too much or the wrong parts (iow, self-esteem) with it, it's gone.

All your MIL has now is her present and future.
I hope she'll be able to respect herself for the intention she held.

I do believe time can be wasted, but love never is.

She needs to forgive herself for trying to change a turnip into a turtle.

Once she forgives herself and turns outward again, she'll be okay.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

She needs to forgive herself for trying to change a turnip into a turtle.

Once she forgives herself and turns outward again, she'll be okay.

oh my....
I don't know how you do it Hops... how you can put together a few simple words that have that such profound meaning beyond the meaning of the words themselves. Cherish this, please. It is you.

[Hopalong]

Thank you Amber, for words that touched me very much on a day I needed to hear them!

We played the 'Ungame' at a meeting recently, and I got the question: What are you proud of?

The single answer I have is when I sometimes write something that moves someone.

Thank you for letting it be so.

love,
Hops

[gratitude28]

Thank you everyone. I had a big revelation while reading your posts. I think one thing about my MIL is she gives so much... to everyone and all the time. I wonder if she is feeling a bit of the weight of that. Unfortunately, aside from us, everyone is willing to take and take and never give anything back to her. She is a few states away, and I am sure that aside from my brother in law and his wife, there is no one to help her through this.

Hops, you do always have the words that help and make things right. I knew that you would be able to relate and help me see this clearly.

Deb, I think this

my GFter asked for forgiveness (the set off) that drove her to the edge and then he was gone.  She seemed more tortured by him confessing at death again for his own purposes right before he would have judgement day and was mad that he put her in that position of forgive or not forgive

is the worst of all - they do fear death and ask for forgiveness, although they don't deserve it. It is so unfair to the abused child. A lifetime of cruelty is not erased by a few words and a death. It is cowardly. I think I am angry about this for her...

Amber, happily we talk a lot and she is coming to visit soon. I will whisk her away and make her do some fun stuff... all about her. It will be nice to get her away from the family that bleeds her dry.

Ami, yes, I am so lucky to have her. Also, I think the reality has hit home for her. She also lost a sister shortly after - also a mean and selfish woman, but that doubled the pain for her.

Mo2, She has a new house and a great job. She is an amazing seamstress who can creat a dress from any page of any catalog - just like the original!! I don't know if she finds passion in the work, but I think some satisfaction. I think time will help, and I think it will help a lot when my husband is safely back home. I think she worries about him, too, especially when he cannot have as much contact.

Everyone, thank you again.
Love, Beth