Dawning, hiya, read your post above yesterday and it’s been niggling away not at the back of my mind, but sort of swimming around the middle, “do something P” like that. Bit of guilt on my part for not talking with you so much of late. Feel like I’m ignoring a friend. If it feels like that to you, I’m sorry.
This niggling is about:
I've never talked about my dad much. My mother took advantage of him and he, in return, took advantage of me. The buried memories are just starting to surface. If anyone knows a good board where I can hash this out, please let me know.
Um, guess you might know what I want to say? This is a great board (ha ha ha hic! it’s the
only board I know! Apart from the old surviving trauma one and I don’t go there). ‘Emotional survival’ means what we want it to mean I think. So….you want to bring out some buried memories? Want to talk about tricky stuff and get feedback on what happened to you, how you saw it then, how you see it now, make some sense out of it? I think this is a great board.
Sometimes I’ve had the thought that hey, I’d really like to ask X Board Member what they make of this. I’d particularly value their opinion coz I think they’d understand, or they’ve had what seems like a similar experience. But I haven’t. Because it would seem to me like I’m imposing on them, putting them on the spot. And of course, other members might wonder why I didn’t ask them. Messy! So with the nature of the board, I haven’t done that. I’ve asked for a little advice on PM, but nothing big. And with PM it’s difficult if you need second, third etc opinions and to me, the more opinions on a difficult subject, the better.
What am I trying to say with lots of explanation? I’m trying to say: please say it here. Why not? That’s the question. Why not? Is there some reason you feel/think you don’t want to say it here? No answer necessary. Just want to encourage you.
Half-brothers. Lots of real life personal facts
coming up! I have three of them, plus an ex-step-brother and an ex-step-sister. Ex? Well, my step-dad (their father) is dead, so I feel they don’t have a link to me any more. Even though my mother is their step-mother! (I shake my head, I only recently conceived of the idea that she is a step-mother. I mean, she’s not exactly my idea of a ‘mother’ so to think beyond that has been a mental leap! And because she didn’t live with them, it seems a remote definition.)
My half-brothers. I do call them half-brothers because we share half genes. Maybe I’d call them brothers if we’d lived together? And our parents had treated us all the same? Probably. But my brothers, if I had any, would be my mother’s children, and that would make our relationship very different. All three of my half-brothers are my father’s children, but by two different mothers. Want to see my family tree? Ha ha, might make it easier. All three are younger than me.
He is also my father's only child from his 2nd marriage.
Ditto. My estranged HB is also the eldest of them. I haven’t seen him in about 20+ years. Don’t know where he is. Could try and find him. Not sure of the reception etc etc all sorts of stuff I don’t want to talk about. Not to do with me, to do with him, his mother. A very disturbed lady. Anyway, this HB also has two HBs of his own – his mother’s children by previous marriage. Ha ha! They were once my step-brothers too! More ex-step-brothers to add in. Ex by divorce though, not by death. Plus an ex-step-mother too. I guess you have one of those too D? The remaining two HBs are, I think, my ‘family’, although distanced by age, place and so on. Their mother is my current (current!) step-mother and she’s okay. She’s pretty cool, I like her.
Relating to these people who are my extended blood family is interesting. The physical resemblances make it easier to connect. There’s an immediate, unspoken sort of acceptance. But I don’t trust that. It’s just biology. Finding out what they’re like as people is fun. I would like to ‘find’ my lost HB. Maybe I will. What would we talk about? What’s my motivation? I wonder about these things.
I am an only child and I grew up alone. Ain’t that strange when I look at that fractured family tree? Why strange? Because I tried to explain it to friends, growing up, and they thought I was different. They had brothers, sisters, mum and dad. They told me it was strange to them, so I guess to be their friend, accepted as part of their group, their tribe, I had to agree that it was strange. But really, it isn’t. I’m still an ‘only child’ in the sense that that is how I was raised, my experiences.
Anyway, that’s why I use the HB expression. It’s accurate for me, a half-sister and ex-step-sister to different people who between them have no blood ties and will probably never meet.
Back to you Dawning. Want to talk about any triangulating in the family? Scapegoating, victimising, persecuting. Who used whom and maybe how the using shifted about, or perhaps only seemed to shift about - but just maybe always ended up with one prime abused person, usually the one least able to defend herself…
(((((((((Dawning))))))))) P
PS.
I said my name and I had to repeat it 5 times before he realized it was me.
I was so sad for you D when I read that. I wanted to slap him, quite hard. It might connect then in his small brain to hear your voice, feel the slap and remember who you are. Like a Pavlovian response thing. Or maybe I just wanted to slap him, no excuses, no explanation.
Yeah!
