Hi Everyone,
I’m new to this site and hope that by reading some posts and creating my own post, that I might gain some insight into the problems I have experienced within my family all of my life, problems which are leading me to consider cutting them out of my life entirely.
That is not a choice I make lightly and have spent days looking at every angle, because I am aware of the consequences. I guess, I am hoping to find some kind of solution that will enable me to maintain some sort of contact, even if it’s only a few times a year.
To be honest, I am not entirely sure that the problems reside only with my siblings and wonder, do I contribute to it, without knowing?
A few examples: One sister who died recently, had been using my identity while I lived overseas, when I discovered this and asked her nicely, several times to stop it, she continued using my name, until I was advised by my older sister that the only way to stop her, was threaten legal action. I did. The response? I had broken her heart and betrayed her by threatening to take legal action. I admit I was very angry at the time and said things I probably should not have said, but felt somewhat justified given the circumstances. She never spoke to me again, never apologized or admitted doing wrong and her husband excluded me from her funeral based on this.
My older sister didn’t speak to me for 5 yrs, because I had asked her daughter to keep her overseas phone calls short while she was staying in my home as a guest with her boyfriend. My niece sulked for 2 days, wouldn’t respond when I said, good morning and stayed in the guest room complaining to her boyfriend and her mother via, my telephone. Her interpretation of my request was: that I was inferring that she was a ‘ponce’ by using my phone. I explained that was not the case, I simply had to watch my budget. Her response? ‘now you’re telling me that I don’t understand budgets’. I gave up in frustration after several of those defensive responses. She and her boyfriend both had mobiles, yet used my home phone for several calls overseas. I understand its’ expensive to use a mobile for such calls, but didn’t think it unreasonable to request that she keep any further calls short. All attempts by me and my daughter to solve the problem failed and in the end I did get angry with her. I came home from work one day to find she and her boyfriend had left. No note to say thanks for having us and lending us your car, nothing.
Her mother, my older sister, had been communicating with her daughter about this, yet never acknowledge any problem when communicating with me, instead she complained bitterly to my younger sister, who in turn, informed me of all the nasty things being said.
Now 5 yrs later, we have been communicating again. At first she was hesitant, feeling she couldn’t ‘forgive me’ for this problem – created by her daughter. She seemed to get past that. We were in almost daily contact, until a few weeks ago, when once again, she stopped communicating without explanation, other than a few mysterious hints: ‘nobody is fooled by your daughter’, and ‘people forget about you if you don’t keep in regular contact’.
Neither of those comments made any sense to me, I have no idea what they mean, other than, she obviously feels that I do not contact her often enough for her liking. She contacts me several times a week, I respond to her texts and call her once a week.
I suspect she is resentful of my daughter because she was not invited to her wedding. How could she invite an aunt who was not talking to her mother and harboured resentment and anger.
All of my sisters, issue ultimatums, if you don’t do what they want, they are going to fall out with you, forget you, or cut you off. There’s no reasoning with any of them. If I eventually get angry in response, I’m cut off for being angry. If I don’t respond at all, I’m left waiting for years until communication starts up again, instigated by them.
I am sick of feeling that I have to obey some kind of secret rules that they have or be shunned, then picked up again when it suits them. Part of me feels that I should treat my sister's recent tantrum lightly, call her and ask directly, what the problem is, but past experience has taught me, that she stays angry for a very long time and has be known to hang up on you when you do attempt to sort out the problem.
Is there any other way of dealing with this, other than, cutting them out of my life entirely? Thanks, Englishgirl.
