Changed my mind about moving the thread.
I deleted the squashers' phone numbers from my cell last night. Only one of them lives around here. I sent him an email saying that he is not worthy enough of my attention and that his rejection of me is not MY rejection of me (thanks for that line, Hops.) He needs to know that.
Last night, I dreamt that I was holding a baby (newborn to 1 year old) but he/she wasn't mine. I then told, in the dream, the other squasher that I was still fertile and asked if he would like to donate his sperm; that I wouldn't expect him to assume any parenting role. My waking psyche has shut down on him right now I still don't like to wake up in the morning. But today the weather is beautiful and I'll be very busy preparing for my trip. This will be a busy week so lots of distractions.
Ami, the pattern of mine throughout my life of being abandoned by men and then feeling depleted and "wrong," is a straight-shot tunnel right back to my dad. All of this IS coming up but on some days, my psyche needs a break from processing and, on those days, I need to get out of the house and walk the earth, as I did yesterday.
Sometimes, the feeling of shutting down the need to explain helps me grieve.
I stood up to my F this past April when the last fellow called to end things. I was devastated and wanted to die. And, at some point during the evening of the phone call, some other part of my psyche starting asking, "why, why is this happening." And as if on auto-pilot I emailed my F and told him one thing - you were an incompetent parent. Thus, began a week-long series of emails. I'd like to talk more about those emails in a future thread.
Right now, I have to prepare to meet the cat-sitter.
I'm happy to be getting on an airplane. I have always like flying in them since I was a wee little tot.
