Job Advise

[Anonymous]

Well, I am tired so I'll make this short.  I guess I have to make an appointment, don't I?  And trying to decide what each of us does?  She micromanages everything, but I have noticed her spending more time away since our outburst a few weeks ago.  Her mom is depressed (her 91 year old husband is slipping................disoriented, paranoid....) so mom is spending more time trying to help gram.

It will work out.  I'll just have to work on myself so I can live the next half of my life with some optimism.

Good night all, Kell

[Anonymous]

Boy, it seems like there are a lot of new postees on the board.  Guess all the advise I have been getting can help them, too.

I really appreciate everything that all of you have inputted.............so much to think about and to process.

Kelly

[Portia]

Hi Kell,

Sounds like you’re doing some serious sorting out and you maybe don’t need any more suggestions right now – but – ha ha! – just a small one to add

And trying to decide what each of us does? She micromanages everything, but I have noticed her spending more time away

You don’t have to decide this on your own do you? Or do you? I don’t know. Maybe you could ask her if she wants to talk about defining your respective roles a little more clearly. Or maybe even ask if she needs to spend more time away, because that would be okay with you, if she’d like to….? Just a thought. Take care Kell, P

[Anonymous]

Portia:  Oh we've had these conversations, believe me.  I have worked with her for ten and 1/2 years.................I have been so frustrated for so many years.  Like I said in the earlier posts, she had a facelift in February so she set herself up to HAVE to take more time off.  She told everyone she was backing off, drawing a line in the sand, spending more time with my dad, transitioning the business to me, all as a ploy so she could take six weeks off to get this facelift.  When she came back and had obviously had a facelift, everyone knew it was a lie.  But she couldn't renege on all she had stated so I have the benefit of that..............but she comes in at least once a week and the meetings are hell.  She complains about everything and everyone................but since we had a blow up a few weeks ago it has been so much better.  That was about the time I started posting to this forum.  I did some internet searches on Narcississm and came up with this, and thank God it has helped me much!!

[Anonymous]

Hi All!  I am back with some news.  I let this forum take a rest to contemplate all the advise I have gotten - thanks again!

So last week I applied for a job and got an immediate response the very next day.  I had a telephone interview on Thursday, an in-person interview on Friday, another in-person interview on Saturday, tomorrow I take a personality test and on Wednesday I meet the owners of the business.  If they give their blessing, I will be offered a job!  Brand new business.  I will be the manager.  So now I am scared!

What if they offer me the job?  The money is supposed to be comparable.  The first month will be demanding with training in another city but after that I make my own schedule!

But I am freaking out!  I know my Nmom is going to have a cow!!  StaceyLynn - I know what you are thinking.  Bunny?  Don't know what you think?!

I almost feel like I have been shoved into a time warp.  It is all happening sooooo fast!  Almost too fast.  I'm afraid if I say yes to the job that I will be burning all the bridges back to the job with my mom.  But isn't that what I really want anyway?  To get away from mom?  But what about all that flexibility and the great hours (9-3 M-f)?  

My husband says he will step up to the plate and fill in where needed.

Just freaking out and need some input!!

Kelly

[bunny]

Kelly,

Well, do you like this new job? That makes a big difference. If the job is exciting (even if scary), give it a shot. Believe me, you can return to your old job.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Oh, it sounds great!  But what if I don't cut the mustard?  I mean, I know I will, but it is the insecurity creeping in.  I know if I don't accept it I will kick myself from here to eternity..........but if I do accept it then I know I will have to put up with a lot of crap!  My mom will freak.  The employees at my business will freak, too.  No one will want me to leave.......but.....

[laststraw]

Our entire family, seven girls and one boy, all worked in the family business. both parents are n's, as my therapist so appropriately informed my my father would hit me over the head with the two by four and my mom just nudged me towards it.
All I can tell you is that as each one of us married someone that they approved of or didn't, was not the issue.  my parents knew about molestation by in laws, alcohol and drug problems, infidelity, etc... all happening among and between us.  all the the almighty dollar. not until my mom died and with her death came the "permission" to get well, the motivation to move away and save our children from the crazy behavior that controls your every thought and being.
 our family is split,  half still hanging in there an trying to please and appease the n-father.  the four of us that have separated, well, all I can tell you is that when we see each other we laugh, and support each other , we are truly happy,  happy probably for the first time in my life. our children feel safe and want to be with their cousins and their aunts and uncles. was it worth it?!!  I wish I would have separated years ago.  
There is no way to fix where you are. If you cannot leave, start to develop an invisible barrier between your mom and you. picture in your mind a steel wall that she cannot climb over, sneak under, cut through or get through.  that is the only way you interact with her.  look for no approval, no love, no validation and keep your kids away from her.  she will poison their minds, and create havoc.....

[Anonymous]

Kelly,
The fears and insecurities are warranted. After all, your Nmom has convinced you that you belong to her!

Now's the time to prove you are a grownup and can take care of yourself - prove it to her and to yourself.

If you get to set you own hours, your worries are taken care of. You have already been successful running your Nmom's business - with all the damage your Nmom caused at your present job.

Think of how successful you can be without her!

Congratulations on the interview and follow-ups. At least you have taken the first step and you are still moving forward. Even if this position does not work out for whatever reason, you are doing something positive for yourself! Way to go girl!

[Anonymous]

By the way - that was Ellie - forgot to log in

[Anonymous]

Oh, it sounds great!  But what if I don't cut the mustard?  I mean, I know I will, but it is the insecurity creeping in.  I know if I don't accept it I will kick myself from here to eternity..........but if I do accept it then I know I will have to put up with a lot of crap!  My mom will freak.  The employees at my business will freak, too.  No one will want me to leave.......but.....

Kelly, This isn't a permanent decision, it's just a job. Hey, this is America, we can change jobs whenever we want!  If your mom and the employees freak, that's their choice. They'll get over it pretty fast. We're all expendable. And you can return, I'm sure.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hey guys, thanks for the input.  You're right.  This is America!  We can come and go as we please.  I remember leaving a job in 1986 and wondering if there was a life outside of that one - and by now the building has been bulldozed, so there was definately life after that!!

I have had four interviews - today was the final one with the owners of the business.  I wasn't pumped thinking I got the job...............in fact, it was the first time in the process that I wasn't extremely confident.  But it may be my own insecurities sabotaging the whole process!  The owner asked me point blank - if you are feeling uncomfortable in a month or two, you cannot run back to your mommy!!  Basically saying if they offer me the job and I accept it, they want me for the long haul!!!

Then another wise person told me that if I decide to accept the job, I owe it to my mother to tell her first, instead of letting many other people know and having her hear it through the grapevine.............

So now I am waiting to see if they will offer me the job.  I'm not holding my breath.  I just didn't feel like I was a shoe-in.  Maybe I am over analyzing the whole process.  The wife of the man and wife team kept yawning during the process and she wasn't smiling either.  She is of a different nationality and maybe their culture is less gregarious than ours..but I felt a little uneasy around her.  The husband was nice.

We'll see!

[Anonymous]

The owner asked me point blank - if you are feeling uncomfortable in a month or two, you cannot run back to your mommy!!  Basically saying if they offer me the job and I accept it, they want me for the long haul!!!

Actually you can run back to your mommy and they can't stop you. But yes it may prevent them from hiring you. How do they know that you have this dependency with your mother....?

If you accept the job, give notice like anyone else. Don't let it filter around as a rumor, that is unprofessional.

This is a free country and you can do whatever you want.

Good luck and I hope you get it. If not, there are other jobs!

bunny

[Anonymous]

From Kelly;

Well I am REALLY upset!  I applied for this last job and they basically pounced on me!  The day after I applied they contacted me.  I went to an initial interview - they loved me.  I came back (two hour drive) the next day and had a second interview.  I took a pyschology test online.  Then I met the owners.  Remember I didn't feel very good about that interview?  Well they asked me to provide references and told me they would contact me the next week.  That was LAST week.

Nothing.  No contact of my references.  No phone calls.  No DEAR JOHN letters - yet.  I went to the website and the job was no longer posted - meaning they hired someone else, right?  So I sent a polite email to tell them I enjoyed the process and that I assumed they had given the job to someone else.  NOTHING.

Geez!  I felt like they pushed me through a time warp and I came out the other end with no safety net!!!

Oh well, I was scared about making the leap and they probably sensed that of me.  And I would have had to go to Omaha for four weeks of training and my family almost fell apart when I was gone for five days!!

So anyway?  What do you think?????????????????

[bunny]

I think you didn't get the job. And that this employer doesn't notify people who don't get the job. In fact, this employer avoids people who don't get the job. And you're probably lucky you didn't get the job because the employer sounds creepy at this point.

bunny