Our entire family, seven girls and one boy, all worked in the family business. both parents are n's, as my therapist so appropriately informed my my father would hit me over the head with the two by four and my mom just nudged me towards it.
All I can tell you is that as each one of us married someone that they approved of or didn't, was not the issue. my parents knew about molestation by in laws, alcohol and drug problems, infidelity, etc... all happening among and between us. all the the almighty dollar. not until my mom died and with her death came the "permission" to get well, the motivation to move away and save our children from the crazy behavior that controls your every thought and being.
our family is split, half still hanging in there an trying to please and appease the n-father. the four of us that have separated, well, all I can tell you is that when we see each other we laugh, and support each other , we are truly happy, happy probably for the first time in my life. our children feel safe and want to be with their cousins and their aunts and uncles. was it worth it?!! I wish I would have separated years ago.
There is no way to fix where you are. If you cannot leave, start to develop an invisible barrier between your mom and you. picture in your mind a steel wall that she cannot climb over, sneak under, cut through or get through. that is the only way you interact with her. look for no approval, no love, no validation and keep your kids away from her. she will poison their minds, and create havoc.....