Job Advise

[flower]

Kelly,

I am sure she has figured out by now how to find this forum - which means my thoughts expressed here will now have to stop...because now I know someone can read this

It is sad that your daughter doesn't respect your privacy.  She must not respect your privacy for you to go to the pm system.

[kelly]

Nope.  No boundaries in this family.  I told her to get out of here and she said, "obviously you have something to hide, and what is this voicelessness and emotional whatever........................?"

But if I came near her when she was online....................

[Moonflower]

......

[flower]

((((Kelly)))))

[Overcomer]

Well, I think the log in advise worked!!  Thanks!  And thanks for the hug, too!  I just hope that all this forward thinking to a future and a hope will get me to where I want to go.  I want to have a good relationship with all but I feel a bit cynical sometimes.

Also, the daughter has expressed an interest in a Psychology major so some of these issues may be of interest to her.  Boy, when I was her age I had no idea I was screwed up.  Never heard of codependent or dysfunction - just figured everyone was that way.  And being a "rich" kid seemed to have its benefits.......a new car at 16.  Funny, though, my friends told me I never acted like a rich kid - I also worked my buns off at a job when I guess I didn't need to work.  Always had a good work ethic.  But boy I never had any encouragement to set a goal for myself and become somebody.  Maybe because Nmom thought I might follow in her footsteps and didn't need a degree to excell in her profession.

[flower]

Hi Kelly,

Just want to simply say that I think it is wise of you to take your time and get things all lined up and not rush into anything. Your family dynamics seem very complicated and entangled.  It seems like baby steps could be the way to go here at first.

It is a very sensitive time with your 17 year old daughter getting ready to go to college and I can see that your situation with Nmom is no simple thing to get out of and you need to be cautious.  

My mom committed fraud against me. It seems that your mom is very controlling but hasn't stooped to that level. At least I hope not.

[Overcomer]

No.  I honestly think my mother's intentions are good.............that's why I do not understand some of the ramblings in the "evil or disease forum."  She cannot understand why I would be so discontent after everything she does for me.  But the basic fact is that - we are entangled - our lives have been emeshed for so many years.  No adult should have to live their lives under total scrutiny.  I get scrutiny from my mother and from my daughter.

Well, this whole week my mom has not been in work and because of that I think she is probably "trying."  We talked a little bit about work and she said something like, "Please deliver me from all this."  So I have figured out that, 1.  She doesn't like the day-to-day monotony of working in our business, but 2. She does like the people in our industry to think she has it all together and that we are successful.  We have not turned a profit ever since we have been in the business so to sell it at this point would not be an option - she would lose too much money.  

So it is like she is stuck there........................and in her mind she doesn't want to be stuck but in her heart she does not trust me enough to let go and risk losing all the money.  And the reason she does not trust me is because I have been unentangling ourselves for the past three or four years and it just doesn't feel good to her (or me because I can't just DO IT!)  Every bit of unentangling is like trying to rip siamese twins apart without surgery and without anesthesia...........

Don't know if you ever saw the skit on "In Living Color," back when Jim Carrey was a bit player on the show and had not made it big yet..........he had an embilical cord attached to him and it ran across the room and up his mother's skirt............that's how I feel sometimes.

[bunny]

Kelly,

I hope you can keep posting here even if your daughter decides to find the site. I don't think you've written anything that is wrong or bad even if she reads it. If she's interested in psychology you could say, "I don't have anything to hide, but I do have things that I like to keep private or therapeutic. To me, this is like journalling." Maybe she'd understand or try to.

bunny

[Overcomer]

Bunny:  Well, I will keep posting and if my daughter reads it she will just feel sorry for me or get mad at me because she doesn't understand the dynamics that I have had with my Nmom my whole life.  

I am so much more easy going than my mom and like I said before, my daughter feels a bit of it when she has to stay with gparents.  But she also thinks I need to get over it.  She doesn't feel bad or guilty asking my parents for money and stuff.  Actually, my dad is easier to ask for money.  He's more easy going.............we all have him a little wrapped.

But when I ask my mom for money (even if it is expected, like tuition or other expenses that she has volunteered for) I feel so bad.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  I feel like such a mooch!!  But sometimes I wonder why she doesn't just give it?  She has it to give.  She has the power to allow me to spend time with my kids.  But to her the most important thing in the world is work.  It always has been.  Funny, I thought that was supposed to be a man thing.

Oh, why didn't I go to college and become a doctor or lawyer.  If I had to do it over again................................yada yada yada.

[Anonymous]

But when I ask my mom for money (even if it is expected, like tuition or other expenses that she has volunteered for) I feel so bad.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  I feel like such a mooch!!  But sometimes I wonder why she doesn't just give it?

Money usually comes with strings attached. Very few parents "just give it" to adult children.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Kelly,

Money has a transformative power within relationships.  Like it has a life and energy all its own.  It can mean love, security, success, freedom, power or all those things. It sounds (I am trying to say this gently esp. since you are sincerely trying to figure this out) as though you have been groomed to be an "economic outpatient".  Financial independence will put you in the drivers seat of your own destiny.  

For self awareness you might want to research stuff like affluenza and psychology of money type websites and books.  Try "The Millionaire Next Door" for inspiration on getting a handle on your own assets.  This is the author who coined the "economic outpatient" term for second-generation wealthy.  

You are in a very common situation.  One generation worked hard to "make it" and the second generation is used to having the benefits of parents who "made it".  It's a very different viewpoint.  I'm surrounded by people who are controlled by their parents' wealth.  They would be happier if they felt they could stand on their own two feet.  Honest.  But they feel they have to (their feelings or their parents' feelings, pick one) uphold the standard their parents have achieved over the years.  So the pressure is on to be an "overnight success".

If you choose therapy as an option, try to find someone familiar with money matters through generations.  It may help to get a handle on how you feel about money, where it comes from, etc. in order to really get a grip on what you want to achieve and why these feelings are pressing so ####### you right now.  Hope this helps, Kelli.

Good luck, Seeker

[Anonymous]

Hello again

 

My post was censored (huh?) in the last sentence because I mentioned "feelings pressing" and then "hard" and then "on"... LOL well, I hope you all knew what I really meant to say!!  

Seeker

[flower]

I believe you Seeker.   You seem like an upstanding decent person to me.

But they feel they have to (their feelings or their parents' feelings, pick one) uphold the standard their parents have achieved over the years. So the pressure is on to be an "overnight success".

This is so true. I "failed" my parents by not having their values about money and its importance to them.

[Overcomer]

Hello all!  You are right.  I have set myself to have a nice house, drive nice cars, etc.  But I'm strapped all the time.  Then my mom says things like my brother and I are living too high on the hog, and I said to her, "Where do you think we got our expensive taste?"  Sometimes I think that living in a trailer would be ok if I could just be happy.  Yes, the money thing is hard.  Mom made hers in a MLM type business - ground floor - right place, right time.  It's too late for me to go back to college and get a degree in law or something like that.  So I just feel tied to my mom and it depresses me.  Since I have been posting on this board I think I am worse than when I started.  I am crying all the time.  I wrote my mom and email yesterday and told her that I dreaded going into work and that I am just sick and want to get another job.

You are right all!  I need to stop worrying about the money and just move on.

[Anonymous]

Kelly,

Are you still seeing a therapist? I think it would really help to get some professional support right now. You are feeling a lot of pressure to quickly "do something" about the problem. And this problem is kind of more complex than that.

Many jobs are stressful and have N bosses (I have one). It is not a magical solution to the problem. The problem is having appropriate boundaries, financial and otherwise, with your mother.  

It's okay to feel upset and worse now, that is how we feel when we start facing our problems and get out of denial. Please consider calling your therapist if you still have one.

{{{ Kelly}}}

bunny