NPD Ex Proudly told Son he wore a pair of dirty Socks for 2 weeks. Why?

[Amelia Rose]

Hi Everyone. It's been awhile since I've been on. It's nice to see that Dr. Grossman is still here.  I have a question.  A quick history of life w/Ex. I was with NPD husband for 24 years - I shudder at the thought of spending so much of my life with someone who was so cruel and abusive.  However, we have  two sons & I had to make the best of a bad situation. For the most part - I was so busy surviving the situation, and taking good care of sons - that I had no idea why things were the way they were. I didn't know what a narcisst was - I didn't know he was one.  I knew something was terribly wrong but didn't know what it was.  When I did finally leave  the information came forth.
"anyway" - when I first met him - he proudly told me he didn't wear deodorant.  I thought the reason he said he didn't wear deodorant was because he was health-conscious and believed it was bad for him.  I later realized that wasn't reason.  He then started to wear deodorant.  YEARS later - when he had lost his job of 20 years - he brought that same story up "I don't wear deodorant."  The way he said it - it was like - it came out of the blue.  It was very strange.  At this time - life with him was getting harder and harder.  Our sons were approx 13 and 15.  Then day I came home from work,  and he told my one son and I "I don't bathe." He announced it so matter of  fact - he said "I don't bathe."   I was flabberghasted (spelling?)  I snapped at him "you better bathe!"  And so he did.  It's been 5 years since we divorced.  Being the nurturer, and wanting my family to be all right - I kept a relationship with him. In fact - he is a much nicer person to me, and to our sons.  He regretted his behavior that caused the divorce and he realizes that I am the only friend he has.  My sons are 22 and 25.  The younger one lives with him most of the time.  This is because - "it's cooler to live with your dad than your mom", and he lives closer to my son's friends.  One day when my Ex and I were visiting, and talking abour our sons - when there was this TERRIBLE smell.  It almost made me feel like throwing up - it was  that bad.  I didn't know what it was.  It occurred to me that   maybe it was his shoes. I didn't comment because I am polite, and thought maybe he couldn't afford new shoes?  Then one day my son said to me "DAd told me he wore the same pair of Socks for 2 weeks."  I was shocked. I asked my son "Why?"  My son didn't know - he was equally as appalled by the ideas as I was.  Neither of us could come up with one thought as to WHY?   There is no excuse for that. He washes his clothes.  There is a washer and dryer in his apartment building. He is working.  Any ideas?  WHY would he proudly tell his son "I wore the same pair of socks for two weeks."  That is what the stench was that almost made me throw up.  And since that time - I KNOW he has done that again - because I smelled that smell again one day.  It's horrific.  And there is nothing I can say.  One day I  made a comment about how important it as to wear clean socks.  If anyone has any idea why he would do that - pls share your thoughts.  It seems to go along with the other times where he "didn't wear deodorant" and the one time where he "announced" - that he didn't bathe.  It's mind boggling.

[Overcomer]

I have a theory.  I think it is because, being a Narcissist, he thinks he doesn't HAVE to bathe or wear deodorant or clean his socks.......maybe he thinks he doesn't stink......same theory I have about my H.  He doesn't really clean himself well and has no problem wanting sex......I am the one who has to endure the malodorous (sp?) body.  Meanwhile, I make sure I am fresh....

Do you suppose that is it?  Maybe he likes the way he smells.  Why wouldn't he?  Ns think their farts don't stink...

[Hopalong]

Hi Amelia,

Maybe it's some kind of odd OCD-in-reverse kind of thing.

I think there are a lot of odd mental illnesses, some broad, some narrow, that don't fit cleanly (no pun intended) into a diagnosis.

Someone who blurts or makes a boast (if he was) about neglecting self-care or hygeine may:
--have an odd phobia or compulsion
--be trying to express distress but in a strange way

Wish I knew more.

Hops

[SilverLining]

Hi Amelia. FWIW  I've read that weird hygiene habits are one of the symptoms of Aspergers Syndrome.  In my own experience, it seems N's can have a fascination with their own bodily processes, and little restraint about telling other people.  My father likes to monologue about his hygiene habits and ideas.  He doesn't use soap in the shower, but he brushes his teeth 10 times a day(in spite of being told by a dentist this is permanently damaging his teeth).    

Maybe since they are the center of the universe, and others don't really matter, their bodily processes are extremely important, while the effect on others of this fascination isn't a concern.  

[Gaining Strength]

Asperger's. That is worth looking into. 

In fact - he is a much nicer person to me, and to our sons.  He regretted his behavior that caused the divorce and he realizes that I am the only friend he has.  My sons are 22 and 25.  The younger one lives with him most of the time.

These statements don't sound textbook Nism.  N's don't usually get nicer when their spouse leaves and "regret" is not a normal N trait and most of all I cannot imaging an offspring CHOOSING to live with an N parent when alternatives exist.  All three of these raised my concerns until I read Silver Lining's post.  Check out Asperger's.

[Amelia Rose]

Thanks to all of you for your input.  A response to "gaining strength".  When I first divorced- my younger son was angry with me.  He blamed me for the divorced - he thought his father was not being treated right.  My older son told me "he knew why" I divorced his Dad.  The younger one was angry with me.  When we divorced and moved - I moved 12 miles away.  My son doesn't drive - he chose to live w/his Dad to be closer to his friends.  Now that he has lived with his father - he is no longer angry with me. He understands why I divorced his father, and he knows how difficult his dad is.  Some comments are "Dad doesn't want anyone to have fun - nope! no one can have fun."   He also has told me how his father doesn't like ANYONE.  I notice my son is living/sleeping less at his Dad's and more on the couch at his friend's house.  Makes me feel sad- I wish I lived closer so he would have a "home" that is closer. A haven - to go some place, other than his father's or friend's. He does come over at times, stays  ***About my Ex being  nicer?  There was a time when the MEAN him came back. Want to know why? Someone was going to "fix him up" on a date. At "just the thought" of that - his true self came out.  He thought he had a replacement for me - he didn't have to be nice to me anymore  I called him on it.  Date fell thru.  I am disengaged from this man.  He tries to emotionally blackmail me at times  but he knows he can't do it anymore.   I still find all of it sad at times, but when that feeling comes up - I move past it as fast as I can. 

[Gaining Strength]

Amelia Rose, I am so sorry for all  that you and your sons have been through.  You and they have suffered and still suffer.  The suffering is there regardless of what exactly his problem is.  He brings pain with him and I am sorry that you and your children have lived through so much pain.

The one thing about a "diagnosis" that helps (whether official or not) is that is allows us to learn more about the behavior and to share with others with a common language.  It allows us to have our experience affirmed and that is an amazingly powerful experience that brings some healing to the struggle.

When I lent support to Silver Linings thought I was not intending to pull the rug out from underneath your own personal assessment.  You lived it.  My comments are based on the few words of this thread.  You are the expert concerning your own experiences - without question.  You know.  I can only speculate.  Knowing trumps speculation every time.