Gennulman

[Hopalong]

Gennulman and I have settled into a very sweet and devoted kind of friendship. I pulled back from letting a romance develop. At times I am very sad about that, but most of the time I know it's a wise decision. He has been SO good to me, supportive, loyal, and helpful. I am awed by it, as it's an unfamiliar sensation. But even though he's a dear soul, I know that I cannot make a commitment to someone who is alcoholic and unemployed. That sounds like a skid row stereotype (ironic, because he did become homeless at one point)...but it's not. He drinks very little around me. He is thoughtful, courteous, kind, loving. He works a lot for various people in landscaping, home repair jobs. He just doesn't have a regular job. If I were to commit and we moved in together or married, I'd be supporting him. And I'm so tapped out from caregiving. I just can't "adopt" a partner who doesn't drive a car (lost his license, has no vehicle), isn't ambitious even a little. But I learn a lot from his spirit. He  lives extremely simply and his philosophical attitude has comforted me. When I'm going all ditsy anxious over the house, I remember his one-BR place that is so simple, and that he appreciates so much. He is genuinely happy. And I learn as much from that being around him as I do anything else.

So. It's a wonderful relationship. It may be the companionship that takes me through the rest of my life, or it may not be. But for now, Gennulman is a blessing in my life. We are not committed or exclusive, though, so if another lady at the church sets her cap for him...I'd feel selfish if I tried to make a claim. He said to me the other day, "I don't know what the heck our relationship is, but I love it, and I love you." That feeling's mutual.

When I get frustrated or sad about not having a true partner I could plan a future with, then I realize that in my unsettled state, I don't really have the energy or interest in searching out someone new to date anyway. So Gennulman and I keep company a couple nights a week, talk almost daily, and it's good.

Maybe one day, when I know where I live and have finished my filing, I'll soar into a new social life. And if he does that first, having found someone who doesn't have the same limits and I do and won't hold back because of his "issues", then bless him, he deserves it and I will dance at his wedding.

hugs
Hops

[Lupita]

This is so similar to my situations, Hops.

That it makes me feel a little better about it. Thank you for your post.

I wish I could settle with W into a sweet friendship. I have tried my best to avoid the development of a romance. I know it is a wise decision. He has been good to me and most of it a positive influence on my negative mood. But I cannot make a commitment with someone who lives with his mother, will have serious health problems in the near future, and cannot contribute to the expenses of a house. So we cannot move in together. Also, although he has his own money, eh cannot provide for somebody else. Also, he is very slow thinker, has memory problems and equilibrium problems due to brain surgery he had in the past. But I seriously think he has learning disabilities too. That intellectual ground turns me off. I wish I could keep a friendship with him, but I know that if I start dating somebody else I will lose his friendship. He is crazy about me but only with the hope of contemplations of a future relationship.

W, like your friend, has a very simple life, gets books from the library only, does not buy, eats at chip restaurants only. I also, do not have the energy to look for someone else, and I enjoy the company he gives me. Movies, walks, exercises, readings, etc.

I am learning from him to be positive or less negative, and to ignore bad things and to look at the god in everyone.

So similar to you.

Wayne Dyer calls that syncronicity. When there is syncronicity, that  means that God is smiling at you.

[Hopalong]

I can understand, Lup...when you've been lonely a long time, simple companionship is such a gift.

Here's what's WEIRD--Gennulman, too, has had brain surgery.

!!  (And, though he's extremely bright, he may be a touch Aspy).

Odd odd similarities...!

As long as I focus on the present and just enjoy his company, we're doing well.
Hope you will too.

hugs,
Hops

[Ami]

I think a heart connection has to come from God. I have had one true heart connection in my life other than my GM. Last night, a friend told me that she had this with a women.My Aunt had it with her M.
   Ami
 

[Lupita]

W is bright only in certain areas. And the brain surgery....... cant belive it. That is very strange.

That is hwy they do not want to work. because when they have been so close to death, they undestand that life is too short to spend it working.

Any way, if they hep us to be more positive, they are a good influence.

[sKePTiKal]

Hops... my dear, dear Hops...

so many people would envy you this comfort in your relationship with Gennulman, you know? Most of them, married. To me, it says a lot about this guy... that he would give you the space you need at present and be content with the relationship as it is. It's a great gift that come at just the right time for you.

[Hopalong]

I am lucky, PR...he is a lovely person.
I feel guilty for my bourgeois dreams that cause me to hold back.
But the alcoholism is more serious to me than the lack of income, I've watched one person I loved (D's father) die of liver failure and do not want to watch another.

I'm grateful for Gennulman, I cherish him.

And that's where we are.

New dreams later, maybe...or not.

love,
Hops

[Lupita]

Dear Hops, according to Mof2, when we are occupied with a person that we already know it is not the one, (I am guilty of the same) we al occupiying that space, and, we are noit leaving that space for the person that could really be the one for us.

I do a lot of activities with W and that does not leave space for other men that could be. But to be honest, I think we do not have a line of men standing to wait for a date with us, so we appreciate the company that a man that is not all we want gives us.

So, Hops, what do you think, should we just settle foe less because we know that at our age is not easy to find somebody, or jusy enjoy the present. I think just to enjoy what we have at the moment, and if God has somebody special, he will come no matter what.

I dont know.

W is getting tired because i do not give him what he wants. I cannot give him what he wants because hew does not inspire me. But I enjoy him as a play mate, wlkaing together, exercising together. doing stuff together.

I do not want to lose his friendship but I cannot give him what he needs. I do not feel it.

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,

I think for me, for now, this present friendship is a great gift, not just a "placeholder".
I'm not sure I believe any more that any "plan" or "hunt" of mine will produce a life partner. I hope, as you do, that the universe will produce someone (although all the self-help books say it has to be an intentional campaign).

Since I'm still recovering from the decade with Mom and still in legal limbo over my home, it doesn't feel like a good time to start something sweeping and all-consuming. On top of my FT job, I don't have the time, energy, or interest to even strike up an online correspondence.

In some way, the relationship with Gennulman is allowing me to experience healthy separateness.

That knowledge will help me in any relationship in my life.

He's going to India in the fall. I am excited for him about that. Many people I know say India changes you in a way other travel experiences don't. Gennulman's travel was all about mountain climbing, before...this trip is about community building. It's not church related but the church is paying for his ticket. He was invited to participate through people he met there. He'll be a co-facilitator for an experienced community organizer, a professor, who's done work there for years.

I have been both envious and delighted for him and delight is winning! (I could even go with him, probably, except that I don't think my back could tolerate the trip.)

I guess what I think is as I gradually begin to find the shape of my own life, I have so much need to save myself financially, so many survival concerns, that I can't see yearning for romance right now.

A real friend, who loves and helps in real ways and vice versa, is enough.

And his own life (from homelessness about a year and a half ago, surviving a brain tumor--to a welcomed member of my community and someone whom others invite to travel) -- and despite his issues, his great good humor and expansive spirit ... that's inspiring to me.

For a while, I fixated on what he lacks. Now I'm appreciating so much what he has.

Got to go to work...

love,
Hops

[Lupita]

For a while, I fixated on what he lacks. Now I'm appreciating so much what he has.

I am trying to do the same with W. But, it is an effort. 1 I am not used to see positive, 2 He really exercises poor judgement sometimes. I am supposed to see the good which is a lot, not only the few atupids things he does. But I do stupid thiongs too.


It is difficult to like people or just to appreciate other human beings due to my upbringing.

Although my toplerance for discomfort is increasing little by little, it is still very low.

[Lupita]

He enjoys walking on the beach and I do too. So, we walk on the beach. But, he walks so close to me, that I extend my arms to push him away and two minutes later he is so close to me again. I get tired of that clingyness. Why cant he keep his distance? I do not need a person invading my sopace so much. So I extend my arms again, and moments later he is walking so close to me that it asphyxiates me.

He is clingy. That is what bothers me from him. I do not get inspired by needy people.

Wayne dyer says "try to beg for aproval and you will never get it"

[Lupita]

Also, to make it a little more frieky, Hopsy, W also had a brain tumor. And he is working on the Lao Tsu, the Tao te ching, doctrine now. He is onto meditations, etc.  Can you belive this syncronicity? Or coinsidence?

[Hopalong]

Pretty amazing, Lup...dunno about the meaning of coincidences but they're fun!
Wayne Dyer bugs me, nice man though. I think in a way I'm anti-mystical.

Gennulman does clingy weird stuff at times as well. Once he accepted that I wasn't
going to be sexual with him and that our relationship is what it is, there was a period
of tension, a little wrestling between us. I reacted by retreating even more and at one
point getting mad and telling him I was tired of apologizing for needing the time and
distance I've got to have to cope with everything. I just couldn't give him what he wanted.

I'm working FT! I'm exhausted! I'm settling Mom's estate! My back hurts! Etc. Etc.

Dear G takes 2 hours to leisurely prepare meals. He can do what he wants all day. He
has no children. He lives in the now.

Weeknights, especially, I can't cope. So now we usually see each other one weeknight
and one weekend afternoon and evening. I turn into a pumpkin by 8:30 weeknights,
because I have to be in bed by 9:00 and take several hours' to read, watch TV, surf,
and wind down. Weekends, I'm wild, I'll stay out until 9:30! Woo HOO!

After that spat/readjustment, we found a better balance.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL! Sounds like just different types of people, Hops. I can really relate to the 9:30 "late night" on weekends, though!

My hubby is more like your Gman... in that he's not in any rush and tries to enjoy what he's doing in the now. I'm more: this is just a necessary process - we have to eat - and get it done. And I used to like cooking. Lately, I've tried to be more engaged with hubby in his "now"... instead of pursuing the "Git R Done" imperative.

It's interesting... and different, for me. There's a lot of space and possibilities in that "now" that I think I was missing in my "efficient" and deadline oriented way of doing things. And it's a lot less exhausting!

[Hopalong]

but I desperately miss being in the now!
relaxing, observing, being open to the moment...even writing poems (I remember her)

it's working, locked in a computer chair, 45 hours a week then dog care and money/legal/home worry...

I vastly don't prefer this constrained life, it's just ... what it is.

sigh xxoo
Hops