So maybe I didn't take my brother K, seriously, when he told me the first time that he simply doesn't care what I want as we go through his delaying tactics in transferring ownership of my Dad's business and settling the estate. Surely, I thought: he has to care as neither of us is a majority stockholder and it's just the two of us. Surely he at least cares about his share of the money involved.
I did take him seriously, when he told me last night he doesn't give a rat's a$$ about what I want. I was disappointed and hurt and angry. I told him that I absolutely don't understand him. His reply? "Good". He doesn't feel it's necessary to - or can't - elaborate.
It's taken us 6 months to get to the final stage of presenting employment contracts for our key man, who thankfully, will be running all the day to day operations. The offer is, in the eyes of the CPA, lawyer, and trustee - extremely generous. Perhaps overly generous, because K decided that our conversation about a possible "signing bonus" was the decision to go ahead and include that - without consulting me or confirming that we had reached a decision. Apparently, he cares about what the key man wants more than me... and my 20 years of professional employment experience is "just the way I am"... and not important.
And to rub salt in the wound, he seemed to expect me to feel sorry for him, empathetic, about the rediculous hours he keeps and time travelling he spends for the job -- that he now doesn't need the income from, but chooses to continue. Because, this is his "justification" for why he is delaying cooperating with the trustee and the legal timetables. I guess it helps him feel "important".
Well, DUH Amber. I'm kicking myself for being in denial again and expecting (hoping) that he had grown up, matured, and learned something. He's 50 - but his way of dealing with all people is more like a 10 yr. old. - including me. I expected him to "play fair" and understand the rules and etiquette of business. When I told him he was being inconsiderate of everyone's time in delaying, postponing, forcing schedules around his convenience... he had no answer or response. And I refused to give him, what he silently seemed to be expecting of me: empathy, attunement, and falling back into the childhood sibling roles that would give him a sense of being connected with me (albeit through a dysfunctional "game" of fighting with him or mothering him).
Boundary: I "won't go there" with him. Our new roles require professionalism and business savvy, TRUST and respect for each other. He has told me point blank that he won't respect me, by not appreciating that my desire to complete this process is important to me. He doesn't care and he's told me so. Months ago, I pointed out to him that we would inevitably disagree on some things, and that while I respected his position, he couldn't tell me what to think or feel. Apparently, he doesn't know how to do that for me, because he doesn't even hear me, when I explain my position. I have already compromised several times, when it was against my better judgement. And he broke the tentative trust I put in him, to work together, negotiate, and compromise/decide together... when he assumed that a signing bonus was just fine by me - never mind the amount.
Everything is just fine for him, as long he gets to control the process and everything revolves around him and his needs - which of course, I'm supposed to guess at. But I'm feeling like I'm going through this process alone - except for the "unseen force" of his unavailablity, lack of concern and participation in the process and passive-agressive attempts to control, i.e., seem important.
So, I've had to admit to myself that I can't trust him. I can't relax with him. I can't "connect" with him - because it's betraying myself to simply fall back into my own, old, FOO role. I make every attempt to communicate clearly and concisely with him and attempt to do so in writing, to avoid misunderstandings and "assumptions". But, he won't deal with his email issues so that he can communicate in writing at all (he can't send; his inbox is too full... sigh... and poor boy doesn't have time to delete all those emails - GROW UP!! What a flimsy excuse for not being responsible or held to committment...to deny what you just said... or "forget" - all of which I've tried to "roll" with, even to the point of explaining to him how to "fix" it).
And for better or worse - I have to fight my instinct to run away from dealing with this at all. It's one hell of an opportunity to practice boundaries, AS LONG AS I remember that he too, is a product of the same dysfunctional FOO, the "golden child", that he remembers nothing of the trauma we went through, and is trapped in N behaviors. Whether or not he is a true N... remains to be seen. I have to be conscious of my own limits of pain, frustration, and infuriation.
I also have to fight my instinct to caretake him, feel sorry for him. That's a thankless job. His life is on the verge of imploding - his marriage is shaky and even my needy, dependent, victim/martyr mother is looking at options for getting away from him and his family. Even his beloved job at the university may be in danger; he lives in a state that is hard hit economically. It's hard to not feel for him, because he has unwittingly created this whole situation because of the same FOO issues that I'm recovering from. I mention the benefits of therapy every few months. He is miserable and he doesn't know why. But I have to protect myself and I'm doing all I can to protect the business, as well. He has absolutely no conception or understanding of business - it's a completely foreign subject to him. He keeps asking what we can do to pay less tax... sigh. As if the law doesn't exist; isn't real. Or that we can do anything about it.
I have no real hope - not after last night - that he can be trusted to cooperate or play by the "rules" of business. I have got to remind myself prior to every interaction with him, that he is trapped in the misery of FOO crap and that he is desperate and will stoop to unbelievable levels to re-enact the old patterns between us. He is simply, another in the long line of "difficult" people that I gravitated to, in my life... playing out my own patterns. And the boundary is real and I need to invoke this in my feelings before I pick up the phone or communicate with him. I changed in the last 40 years; he hasn't. It's not possible for me to "go back", now. I no longer "know" him - nor him, me.
The boundary does allow for an authentic, genuine communication though. If he can ever speak what he's feeling, I'll recommend therapy to him again and consider sharing some of my own process. In the meantime, I think he's going to hear "no" a lot.
I needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.
