My friend W.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita
 I don't agree with you on not asking.Maybe, that is one of the keys to your lonliness.  The other person may be doing exactly what you are doing---waiting for s/one to ask.
 When I like s/one, I reach out first.The worst that can happen is that they reject me. Then I will see that rejection won't kill me and that is a good lesson in itself.      Ami


PS I have met  good friends on the Board who have become friends in real life. I think I asked first 95% of the time.
Bean and I talk  several times a week, still.

[Hopalong]

(((((((Lupita))))))))))

love to you, sad one...

I am very sorry.

Soon you will weather it. It's weather.

Moving is so hard, much less after all the recent upheavals you've had.

Very tough time for you!

hugs,
Hops

[Lupita]

He called me back. last night. I hate him. He made me suffer for nothing. He gave me an ultimatum for nothing. I was suffering for three days for nothing.

He has lost with me.

Now, I put my picture in a dating site and I will start something soon.

Still, I want to keep him as a friend because I have to consider that he did in a desperate moment of not getting what he wants and he is human. But from now on, I will keep a very big emptional distance from him.

Hope that I can complay with my detachment and do not get irritated. Also, much much much less see him, less less often. he has no idea what he did to me.

[lighter]

Put on your helmet, Lupita.

Don't let him control your emotions.

You're in control.

Not him.

Not anyone else.

(((Lupita)))

Have you figured out logistics for the move?

When does it happen and can you lift anything yet?

[Hopalong]

Maybe you're partly angry at him because you have felt so dependent?

I understand...

I have had rounds of frustration with Gennulman too.

Lately though, it's dissolved into accepting him for who he is, the relationship for what it is (it helps me a lot that he accepts that too), and we're just happy comrades in the present...

One day, I think I'll feel the pull of a different future and a new partner perhaps, someone with whom I can build a little bit more bourgeois life. But I am learning a lot right now -- his limits are my inspirations.

He lost so much he has no fear of lack. (But he doesn't judge me for mine.) And that is wonderful to be around. He loaned me a terrific book called Better OFF, by Eric Brende--it is like drinking water.

Sorry to hijack, Lup...open wide inside...be curious about what kind of a life you can lead as your orbit opens up to new pulls, new interests and passions...

Your play is nowhere near over. This is intermission. There is always more story, another discovery, another act.

Be kind to yourself. And be yourself.
Then it'll be easier to let him be him and not make it about blame.

He's given you company during a time when you really needed it.
It's okay to step back, and have less time with him, your life is changing...

love
Hops

[Lupita]

Thank you Hop and Mo2.

I am trying.

Really. I am trying to accept him as he is and be a friend. He is difficult. But he is a good person. Just that he wants to threat when he does not get what he wantS AND i DISLIKE THOSE GAMES. He probably doe snot even realize what he si doing, despite that I tell him. he is unconscious.

[lighter]

(((Lupita)))

I guess if you change your expectations of W, you won't be so dissapointed and injured when he's unable to repsect your boundaries.

He's trying to control you.

He's trying to control himself.

He's failing at both.

How sad for him.

Keep your boundaries firm and in place.

Men who try to change women's NO's into a YES...... are big red flags, IME.

::whispering::

Please remain firm and perhaps state another boundary:

"If you behave that way again, I'll know you don't want to have a friendship with me and our relationship will end."

Or not.

Take care, Lupe.

Mo2
 

[Lupita]

yes mo2. threatens of abandonement are the worst emotional abuse.

He has to see that his temper tantrums result in bad for him. He loses terrain every time he does one of those.

Little by little.

[lighter]

I don't think W can do any better.....

or he would.

You can't control him..... only yourself so maybe keep your focus on you.

I wish you could mindfully concentrate on what you do want, and not what you don't want.

Turn away from feelings of isolation and smile in your own company.... even if you don't feel like it.... till it begins to feel more comfortable.

Make your favorite tea and snuggle in your favorite blanket with a nice book.

Reach out to other people....... smile at those you pass and enjoy the feeling of your favorite fabrics on your skin.

Keep a Journal and put all the negative there.  Read it over and see if it makes sense. If one of your friends here had those same thoughts, what would you say to her/him?

Come up with a nurturing self care rituals you enjoy..... then force yourself to keep at it, even when you despair to do so.

These are only suggestions and avenues that might lead to feeling better.

Your road may have to be different, but you're certainly capable of helping yourself.

Pray for God to help you help yourself, pray to see the truth more clearly.

You're very special Lupita and God has you on this road for a reason.  Someday it will be clear why, IMO.

You deserve to live without despair.

Can you make a list of the blessings you do have, as a start?

You have a T appt coming up..... I hope that goes well.

Mo2