What about the funeral?

[Anonymous]

Tigerlily,

Your cousin sounds like a neat person. I think you're handling this very well, too. I didn't know your mother had died; my condolences. Your life will be a lot better now.

bunny

P.S. To those who choose not to attend the parents' funerals, that is also okay. Everyone has their own situation.

[tigerlily]

Thank you, Bunny.  There's not a lot of people who know the relationship I had with her, so it's nice to have people like you on this board who can relate.  Most of her friends and almost all of the relatives are gushing how wonderful she was and expect me to be falling apart.  The four siblings from my mother's sister are the only ones who went through the same crap. But they all live in different states and I haven't seen them in years. But since I've been talking with them I don't feel so alone.
You're right- I'm sure there are a lot of people on this board who are definitely justified in not attending their parents' funerals.

[Discounted Girl]

I too have waited to see this topic thread itself. It required a large gulp on my part to read through all this -- my throat keeps growing dry, much like it did when I was a little girl and lay awake trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Yes, I also used to wonder how anyone could not visit or have contact with their parent, especially when they were elderly. In the last five or so years I have almost totally changed my "first impression rules" -- things are mostly not what they seem and I am not going to judge anyone if I haven't lived in their shoes. I remember a family down the street; a woman who was much older than her husband and a son who must have been at least 40 years younger than his mother. Anyhow, the story goes that the husband died and the son drove his mother up to the door of a nursing home and let her out. That was what my parents told me happened, I have no idea what the truth is, but I remember that woman was the meanest woman I had ever met (back then I didn't count the NQueenmother) and now I have decided that there are way too many unknown factors to form judgments. If his mother was like mine, she is lucky he didn't kick her in the behind when he dumped her off, but maybe he was a jerk too, so, it's an unknown.

But, yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus and there really are mean and nasty parents who hate their children and want to destroy them.  I am absolutely certain that I will never feel guilty for not attending any funeral for her. What kind of hypocrite is that? Her sister is pestering me to call her and begin contact again and tells me how pitiful and wrong it is for me to "hold a grudge." She herself was N'd by her sister, but she must be part N herself because I sense a "holier than thou" attitude in her. Anyhow, it is over and aging and dying does not change it. Any contact at this point would just give her a little dessert to slobber over for her twilight years and say "wow, that stupid girl was delicious, right up to the last second" and I will not do that to myself. She was nasty and mean to me when she was 23 -- she is almost 80 and still nasty -- being aged and infirmed has nothing to do with it. It's not about paybacks, it's about taking care of myself.

[Lizbeth as Guest]

Thanks for explaning this to me, I never thought of this that way.  That those of us who have overt abuse are somehow better off (less confused about it?) than those with the 'golden handcuffs", more covert type of abuse.  At least you know who the enemy is.   I read a lot of posts here and wonder why so many of you put up with so much still with these old beasts, now I understand quite a bit more.  Thanks again for the explanation.

Lizbeth

Hi Lizbeth and BlueTopaz,

I commend people being so responsible they think all of this is their duty even considering the horrible abuse suffered at the hands of the N for years.  I commend you for it, but I wonder why you do it just the same.  

Why we do it? That is an excellent question, Lizbeth.

I believe it is because some of us had a different kind of N parent than your husband's N. We had the kind that had us in "golden handcuffs" as Seeker calls the phenomenon in another post.  This may make us look like wimps that we complain about this kind of N but the emotional abuse and head trips were what we payed in dues. It was covert abuse mixed with overt abuse for me in just the right proportions to keep me hoping that there was enough good in my parents that if I did just the right thing, they might see the real me and accept me.

My parents used the Rule of Reciprocity well and often to manipulate me.

Here is a link to a site on social influence that has an article on a book called Influence by By Robert B. Cialdini, Ph. D. The Rule of Reciprocity, as the article says, is "extremely powerful, often overwhelming the influence of other factors that normally determine compliance with a request." :

 http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing20.html

The Rule of Reciprocity is just one of the six rules of social influence that manipulators can abuse to get the compliance they want in their victim.

Some say it is easier if the abuser is open about the abuse than if the abuse is covert. I'm not sure of that but the head trip my Nparents did on me scarred me for life. Just seeing it as abuse and not normal is the first step. It is still hard to not feel obligated to them. It is something to fight against in an ongoing way, but I am healing!  

So, I haven't reached the place where I can say I wouldn't bury my mom and dad if I was the only one to sign some paper as next of kin or something. I might have my husband id the bodies though!!! If any of you read "Mommie Dearest" or saw the movie you might remember what happened when Joan Crawford died and her daughter's reaction at seeing her body and also the reading of the will!! I'm afraid my mom will leave a real stinker of a note in the will...flower is not left with anything for reasons well known to her. I don't expect or want anything, but the note would have its intended effect I'm sure.

BlueTopaz,

Good suggestions for Nassim. I might try them out.

[Lizbeth]

Hello Bunny.  That didn't happen in my case.  My mother had a stroke (they think) and way laying on her floor for 2 days before a neighbor noticed her mail hadn't been taken in.  She died two days later.  Of course, being schizophrenic, she would not go to the doctor, hadn't been for years, so she was an explosion waiting to happen.  

One usually has warning about an elderly person's death. They're often in and out of the hospital for years; it gets even worse; finally, their death doesn't come as a big surprise. You may find out about your mother's deterioration from others even if you have no contact with her. You'll probably have plenty of time to figure out what your conscience tells you to do.

bunny

[Lizbeth]

I could have really done without my mother's funeral, it was comletely surreal, especially with my remarried father acting like he was in charge and he was still her husband and all the nasty remarks and selfish BS from him while my sister and I tried to deal with it as best as we could considering we were burying a woman who was never a mother to us.

Thank you, Bunny.  There's not a lot of people who know the relationship I had with her, so it's nice to have people like you on this board who can relate.  Most of her friends and almost all of the relatives are gushing how wonderful she was and expect me to be falling apart.  The four siblings from my mother's sister are the only ones who went through the same crap. But they all live in different states and I haven't seen them in years. But since I've been talking with them I don't feel so alone.
You're right- I'm sure there are a lot of people on this board who are definitely justified in not attending their parents' funerals.

[Anonymous]

I don't know for sure what I would do, probably try to do the right thing:roll: because of what other people would think if I didn't show up.      

[tigerlily]

Well, I am flying off on Sunday to go "home" for my Nmother's funeral on Monday.  I am getting all these emails and sympathy cards and phone calls from cousins who think I had the perfect mother with all her glamor and nice clothes etc., and the perfect childhood. I'm ready to barf.  I have been very gracious, but if these people knew what I really am thinking they would think I am a horrible person.  The few that do know have been supportive.  But the ones that bought into the facade she laid out all those years make me want to scream.  One in particular who does have great memories about his folks keeps telling me how lucky we were to be raised in such a loving atmosphere.  
I am experienceing a very interesting phenomenon since my mother died.  I feel relief and a quiet sort of peacefulness.  It seems like I am realizing that there is no one left in the world to pass judgment, make me feel like a bad person, or feel guilty about everything.  Someone said something about feeling like a criminal in hiding when one has to deal with a disapproving N, and that rings true because I feel like I can now be myself, and that is not a bad way to be.  I have been let out of a cage.  And I am enjoying having myself to myself for the first time ever.  There are no demands on me and no one draining me emotionally so much so that there is nothing left for myself. Whew!

[Discounted Girl]

Tigerlily ... if it feels right for you, then it's good you are going but it's really good you have not had to make the plans (I assume that is the case if you are only going one day before). Going to her funeral is not a betrayal to your recovering self. That's how I feel, although I probably will not go to mine (well, not mine personally, of course I will be there in a matter of speaking), I mean to the NQueenmother's funeral -- errr ,, you know what I mean   Boy, now that will be a strange event for her not to be able to jump up and disturb everyone.

Going without all that that hang wringing and moaning and groaning will be easier on you. I know you will smile to your supporters with elegant grace and look smashing in your new black dress (or navy). Maybe your mascara will stay nice and dry too.

I sort of know what you mean about feeling free to do and say and go and buy whatever you feel like. It may sound ridiculous to others for a grown woman to feel held prisoner by an old dried up woman, but that's how this stuff works.

You go bloom so pretty now you Tigerlily, soak up all the rays, grow and return year after year, stronger in your perennial existence. Ding, dong .......

Oh, I just backtracked -- you did make the arrangements -- this is a memorial service, she passed away last month. Sorry for the misinterpretation.

[bunny]

Tigerlily,

A lot of people who are in denial are happy to glorify and venerate the deceased. Continue to be gracious, fake it, and then it'll be over and you won't have to listen to that crap anymore. If anyone tries to glorify her later, tell them you can't talk about your mother. They'll respect your "grief" and will think you're too broken up to hear her mentioned.

You're doing the right thing - hang in there.

bunny