How to Break Free From Narcissists

[ann3]

I listen to HayHouse radio.com (http://www.hayhouseradio.com)

One of the hosts, Robert Ohotto, did a show called "How to Break Free From Narcissists ". 

I think it's worth a listen:  http://www.hayhouseradio.com/listenagain.php?latest=true&archive_link_type=link_mp3&archive_id=6004&show_id=82&episode_id=4769

But, ya gotta hurry, otherwise, you may have to pay for it. 

I liked the discussion.  He talks about how Ns weren't mirrored & connects that with why vampires can't see themselves in a mirror.  He also connects co-dependence with victimization & Nism. 

One thing he was vehement about is that you should stay away from Ns.  Never try to change them.

Enjoy! (?)

[Ami]

Thanks,it sounds wonderful!    xxoo  Ami

[JustKathy]

Thank you SO much for sharing this. It was incredibly informative. I loved the comparison bwteen Ns and vampires, and how Ns can only survive while feeding off of other people - sucking the life blood out of them.

And yes, the most important thing that he did say - IGNORE THEM. His advice was to stay away completely. You can't change them, and every time you react to them, you continue to feed them.

This was really good. REALLY worth a listen. Thanks so much for posting.

Kathy

[Ami]

I am listening now.He says we need a self before we can be selfless(giving to others). This is what I have been calling healthy N.         Ami

[ann3]

"He says we need a self before we can be selfless(giving to others). This is what I have been calling healthy N.  "

Yes, Ami, that's why I thought this would be really helpful for you.

Kathy, glad you "enjoyed" it!!

[Ami]

Dear Ann
 I was always so afraid of being N that I became the opposite(dependent little voice). I am SO sick of this that I think I would rather be N.
       xxoo  Ami

[ann3]

Ami,

I know what you mean, but, we really wouldn't want to be Ns.

Ami, a thought popped into my head a few days ago:  Could I put my past behind me & live in the present?  My T said she heard me sound like a victim & that my NM lives in my head, but pays no rent.  This was hard to hear, it touched my shadow but, I know my T is right.  I've been working on healing for years now, and like you, really want to move on.  

I have looked at my N foo from so many different angles, read oodles of books, analysed them & me over & over & yet, my NFoo still lives in my head.  I want them out!!  So maybe my T is right:  Put the past behind me, accept it & move on.  I'm going to work on that because I think it may bring me freedom.  But........it is soooooo hard to let go of the past.  But, I'm gonna try.

Maybe accepting the past & moving on really is 'breaking free of Ns"!!??!!

Love to you, sweetheart.

xoxo,
ann

[Ami]

Dear Ann
  It is hard to find a path out of N FOO damage. There are the schools of "Just get over it" and the schools of"Analyze until you find a way out".
  I think Alice Miller is the best person  for healing abuse. She says," Follow your heart." What the family took from us WAS trust in our hearts.
 I remember your date with the N doctor. That was an example of  following your heart(trusting yourself). You seemed confident, and centered.
 Maybe, you and I can have an ongoing thread about following our hearts. I would love that!                 Ami
 

[ann3]

Sounds good, Ami.

But, I'm leaving tonight for a 2 week vacation & won't have internet access. 

If I don't speak to you later today, we'll speak in a few weeks.

xoxo,
ann

[Ami]

I wish you a wonderful trip, Ann. I will be holding down the fort ,talking about N's.            XXOO   Ami

[JustKathy]

I have looked at my N foo from so many different angles, read oodles of books, analysed them & me over & over & yet, my NFoo still lives in my head.  I want them out!! .

So do I, Ann. I've also read book after book, and spent years with various different therapists and psychs, and I have yet to find a way to make them leave my head. Even when I think that things are leaving my head, they come back in the form of nightmares. I sometimes have nightmares about things my NM did to me back when I was a teen (30 years ago). How are you supposed to control your dreams? And that's stuff from the past. With my NM now terminally ill, she and my co-dependent father are both giving me new horrors that might very well be stuck in my head for the NEXT 30 years (if I live that long).

My father did something to me a few days ago that, as far as I'm concerned, was the final cut. I guess the good news is that there is little else they can hurt me with at this point, so there may not be any more horrific events in the future, but getting rid of the present ones . . . how? This is now starting to go beyond emotional damage, and has started causing physical, stress-induced problems. My doctor told me that I have to "manage my stress." Well, HOW? No one can tell me how.

[Ami]

Dear (((Kathy)))
 THAT is the question, for sure. HOW do we get them out of our heads--for real-- not just a superficial lieing to ourselves way.
 You expressed the frustration of it so well, Kathy.       xxoo  Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Kathy & Ami...

One way to "get them out your head" is to focus just on YOU. Creating and defining your Self-    esteem, worth, knowledge, bnoundaries, whatever. And this isn't as easy as it sounds... because you have to separate what is you from the FOO role, the way you grew because of that old role, etc. I've done that by journaling - for years, mind you - but I'm sure there are other ways. Be patient, every tiny moment that you are just being you - and they don't pop into your head - is progress and a real victory. Look for little things around you in the NOW that are beautiful... "just right"... that you are grateful for. No one can ruin those things or take them away from you or make them seem inconsequential. It's the actual time spent being you... that builds up... to offset the time we've spent on THEM, ya know?

As far as stress management... anything that involves the body that you are interested in enough to stick with, is helpful. Yoga - of any flavor, tai chi... anything that involves shifting your mind into attention on what you are doing with your body is relaxing. But so is a massage, a facial... a 20 minute soak in bubbles with candles & soothing music. Sometimes, when I'm totally "in a state"... I'll dive into exhausting gardening/landscape work.. that sort of burns off all the panic, anger, and frustration. I don't really talk to myself "in my head" when I'm doing that kind of work... just pulling this weed, trimming that branch... making it "just so"... the way I want it. Even housework can be "therapeutic", for me... if I can put that kind of intention and attention on it.

Dreams are another story all together. For me, they are usually messages to myself, from myself... about how I really feel, things I'm avoiding dealing with, or things I haven't yet learned to pay attention to. I've found that the feeling of the dream is more important than any events I can remember. And sometimes: they're just dreams - a blender full of things I'm processing on a deeper emotional level... and eventually, I dream it in a way that makes sense, to me, at least.

Hope that helps get you thinking about YOUR way to do this.

[Ami]

I can see how the N is the vampire of the selves of others. When I went out last night I saw other people who did NOT have an NM. I had my self sucked out of me. The worst thing I could do as a child was try to get a sense of self. I was a good kid, trying to please. WHENEVER I wanted to feel strong, my M socked it to me.She twisted her face as a monster and said some horrible put down,usually some disgusting sexual thing to really get me off balance.Then, she would smile with the smile of the Devil.
 I saw this in the middle of the night.
 *I* feel really, really guillty when I want to have an identity. I feel I am bad when I have a self.
  I may have said this countless times but I see it now.      Ami