Hi Ami,
I like this post. Lately I have been reflecting on my roommate, who clearly suffers from Narcissism at a mild level, at least I want to hope that it is mild; she tends to manipulate which can drive me bonkers, if I am not in check. I recall when I was in my early twenties I had a breakthrough with my own N tendencies of manipulation and what I saw was that at the root of my manipulation was deep feelings of unworthiness, the pain of that hole of feeling like a "nothing" was not easy to face nor was having to work to get to know myself and what my true worth was. That search for true worth took me to unhealthy relationships, jobs, money etc., anything that I could grab a hold of to try to rewrite the empty feelings of lies that I had taken on as a belief; the lies I was unworthy of love if I did not achieve, own or look good on the outside according to worldly values.
It has been a while since I have engaged here; the last time that I was here I heard from the "board" a general distaste for religious or anything that was Christian based in responses. In order to not break any rules here on the board I want to be respectful those "voices" that expressed the dislike for religious commentary, but I do want to remind you, Ami, of how much you and I would converse about our faith and what a difference turning to God makes in our healing journey.
There is still a tendency for me to seek my worth in the external but the more that I have found, tasted and experienced the external, opinions of others, money, relationships etc., I am continually brought back to God again as my true identity and worth maker and filler. The external just keeps changing, it seems to never stay the same except my responses to the external which seem to be the challenge to change.
Like you, my relationship with God is the one thing that stays constant, even when I feel like I am spinning back into the deepest layers of woundedness from childhood and wanting to act on that pain of empty hunger to fill.
Lately, also, I have been thinking about the way that I conformed to the expectations of my mom in order to not be abandoned in her love, albeit a toxic love but like Alice Miller says..."the air we breath" we are so used to that toxic waste land of love smothered in our NM's hatred and envy that is can be hard for us to reach beyond and know what true love is and tastes like. In my childhood and even now, I gave up so much of myself in order to be loved, in anyway that I could find, but that search for love was a refusal on my part, a turning away from the one True Love, God, that I can now, thankfully, always turn to and back to again, especially when I see myself acting out in the fears rather that the faith.
