Hey Ami,
I shut down in my teens too. That's when NM started her games. I suppose that's typical, since that's the age when we develop our individuality, and are likely to start resisting their control.
I've spent most of my life second guessing myself, and some of the hurtful things that M did to me. Some of it was because of bad therapists who didn't believe me, even friends and other family members who didn't believe me. There were times when I would ask myself if it were possible that I may have overreacted, or embellished the story. So I went kind of numb too, because it was coming at me from both sides - M abusing me, and no one believing me. Is that what you mean by a false self? I wasn't being the person I could be because that cloud was always there.
I've been doing a lot of thinking since finding out that my NM is terminally ill. I had been trying very hard to bury all the hurtful things that she did to me, so that I could move forward. The other day, I actually caught myself feeling sorry for her, for being sick, and knowing that she won't see me again (not that she cares, but I can't help having those feelings). Anyway, my M has always used letters to lay guilt on me. Covert letters, never mailed, but slipped into birthday cards and Christmas gifts. I kept them all in a box. I showed them to my therapist at the time, then put them away. Well, I started re-reading some of them, and I actually think it did me some good. At the time I received those letters, I was SO hurt by them that all I could do was cry. Now I am able to read those letters analytically, and see word-for-word the N pattern in them. Those letters are cold hard proof that SHE IS SICK, and I'M OKAY.
I guess what I'm saying, in a roundabout way, is that there are times when it may be okay to have the bad memories, because the memories validate that it really did happen. Validating it may be more important to me than to others, because I was never believed by anyone. I don't know. It's sort of a double-edged sword. I want to wipe my brain clean and forget that she ever walked this earth, but at the same time, if I stop feeling the hurt I may make the mistake of forgiving her, and I can't allow myself to do that. I've been able to forgive a lot of people in my life, but I can't forgive my NM. She didn't just make a mistake - she set out to destroy my very soul and spent years working at breaking me. That one is too big for me to forgive.
I'm going off on a tangent here, probably because I'm stuck in my own world of confusion right now. I hope I'm making some sense in saying that getting real may mean, yes, let go of the cloud of sadness, but let some of the bad memories be educational tools. Let them help you understand that your M had a very real clinical disorder, and use that knowledge to your advantage. As they say, "Knowledge is Power." Just speaking for myself, my entire perspective changed once I finally heard the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Once I had that knowledge, I could research it, and understand it. I found this group. I found people who actually believe me. If I had stayed under that cloud, I would never have gotten the help I needed. I think it's okay, actually human to feel sad over the years we lost. But you can still feel the sadness without that cloud hovering over you and suffocating you. I hope that made sense. I'm in such a weird place myself, and sometimes the words don't come out right.
Kathy