Question: What are we hungry for?

[Ami]

I wanted to add something else. I feel a sense to give you a message,Lise. You have to accept all the bad ie human failings and flaws before you can embrace the good ie Jesus living in us.           Ami

[Gabben]

I wanted to add something else. I feel a sense to give you a message,Lise. You have to accept all the bad ie human failings and flaws before you can embrace the good ie Jesus living in us.           Ami

Well said, thanks.

[Hopalong]

Peaceful...like the sound of that.

I'm glad, Lise.

You deserve peaceful.

Hops

[Gabben]

Thanks ((((hops)))) 

[Gabben]

Still here in working out my hunger and loss of empathy in childhood.

Many insights and much pain coming up and out of me. It is all good, I can feel that this is an ending, not a recycle.

It occurred to me that for the last  two years I have been frustrated because of a lack of empathy from someone who I thought should have the most empathy. Sounds like my NM, correct? It is. Deep down I'm still looking, seeking and trying to rewrite what it was like to not have empathy from my mom. This is a stubborn wound, just like my pride and ego defenses that have been protecting the wound. It is all crumbling now...I'm tired of running and I am tired of be frustrated into a state of malice trying to get what will never be.

Grieving the loss of empathy is a deep detachment to what I am attached; smoking, drinking, seeking, self....like the little baby in me that was a dark hole, wanting to suck in all around her to replace and make up for what was not all around her, her mom...Love.

This grief is painful. I recall when I had to experience the abandonment of my childhood, the pain was so long, the tears went on for weeks, months and then one day, I realized that I had been in a state of pain, grief and trauma for over a year....

This will not last that long...if I had not had that pain, the pain of abandonment, then I would not be strong enough to withstand this pain, the pain of loss of love, the pain of being loved by a cold wall that hated me and the agony of trying to appease that wall and not getting anywhere.

Thanks for listening as I am going through surgery, having the fleshy part of self cut out of me, or pressed out of me.

[Ami]

Dear Lise
 I understand the pain. It is the pain of not being able to attach to our M's. It is a real, visceral body stance. It can be undone b/c I think mine is.
 I really have hope for the first time.  I think we can do it, Lise.        Ami

[Gabben]

 I really have hope for the first time.  I think we can do it, Lise.        Ami

Thanks...there is hope in me. Ami - I know what it is like to be abandoned completely as a child. As a child your world is your parents, when they leave your world caves in on you, the pain that I healed , way back when, was excruciating, it was day in and day out...I would drag myself through life and cling to the simple things around me to get through. At that time I never smoked or drank, I just ran and ran, swam and swam and meditated. I was so healthy despite the pain that was consistant; I loved my pain, I loved my suffering, I knew that the way out was through. I finally got through.

But I have been tired of processing, being rejected and thrown away...it is so painful to have to look, stare and see the ugly in me that makes people throw me away and reject me. It is like having to face a monster in me that no one wants...it was the monster baby...I felt that I was a monster as a baby, unwanted and undeserving, that is how I feel now.

The pain in my chest feels like a knife, just stabbing. I cannot get comfortable in my own body as I feel like I am in agony...I am.

I just keep saying "this too shall pass", I just keep praying. God has so much compassion, I reach for Him, He is always there to show me more tears.