I was leaning toward Izzy's "scattergood"... that is the kind of word it is... but then I woke up this morning with "wastrel" in my head...so maybe Hops is on to something. Thanks everyone, I'll keep looking for it... and the idea to make my own word, might actually help me dredge the one I'm looking for, from some old cobwebby corner of my brain.
I did work through what was behind needing the word, in the first place; why it was important.
There seems to be a form of B&W, either/or thinking about money running in my mental/emotional programming that I tripped over. Given my current situation, it's kinda relevant as my brother lobbed a childhood dirt grenade at me in the last meeting with the trustee: "You always spent all your allowance". I just ignored it at the time with a "where did that come from" inner question, to review later. He has since taken it upon himself to advise me about how I handle my half of the estate. This is the very same person who had to ask me a few years ago, how to go about getting a car loan because he'd always paid cash for his old cars.
The "Twiggy Files" are full of nasty, condemning, shaming comments my mom made - about my Dad and money. In her jealous/envious perspective... spending money to enjoy oneself was shameful... and she painted my Dad as this wastrel type person, who cared more for HIS money (the king is in his counting house... counting all his money) and having himself a good old time... than he did us. We were solidly blue-collar, middle class - the necessities were taken care of. He always asked her to go with him; she always refused; and his reply was "suit yourself" and eventually stopped asking. Sometimes, we got to go along with him and have fun. I swear my mother is/was agoraphobic... I do not remember her going anywhere except to buy groceries, the library, and it was some kind of major undertaking for her to get a job and actually go to work because it "made her feel so awful" - and she NEVER decided to go/do - to "have fun" on her own.... that was for THOSE KINDS of people... with the added layer that those kinds of people were very bad, irresponsible, smiling to your face and backstabbing, looking for some way to take advantage of us "regular" folk. Unconsciously, I think she was using this in her campaign to turn us against our dad... funny how things turned out, huh? He must've been totally irresponsible to be able to leave an estate that enabled me to retire at 53.
Those kinds of people - happy people and rich people - were not to be trusted. They weren't like us; they weren't even "decent" - just look at them having a good time, they don't care about us poor, hard-working, tired, regular folk.... well... it's pointless to go on. You see the rationalization that supports her martyr/victim role. There was always a "them"... who weren't "decent" like us.
Anyway, in my kid-logic processing this got turned into a belief that being happy, spending money to have fun or nice things was bad. You were either/or... couldn't be fiscally responsible AND happy and have fun... oh no... (and that matches another belief, that you can only feel one thing at time... which I always knew wasn't true.)
I am struggling right now with feelings, attitudes and beliefs about money issues - and the struggle is all based on this silly belief. Fortunately, I've been challenging it over the years unawares... my best friend from HS was "one of them" and had all the financial advantages that I didn't. And she is STILL my best friend, all these years later with the situations reversed. But I've been feeling incredibly tense, guilty, and even lashed out at hubby the other day... as this old belief came up to be addressed, kicked in the pants, and sent on it's way.
This is a core belief for me; it is the basis for the way I see & treat myself, too. We always made our own clothes... coz what was affordable in the stores wasn't made "as well", Mother said - cheap. We didn't need to wear the latest style. (One strong memory I have was of wanting a dress I saw at Sears for my 7th birthday; my mother kept refusing to buy it for me - I had clothes (too small); I didn't need it; why didn't I like my too-small handmade clothes - she worked hard to make them for me; and I saw my Dad throw money at her and order her to go buy me the dress and shut up with her excuses.) One didn't wear makeup - that was "trampy"... tho Mother did wear lipstick and went through a phase of wearing two different wigs (??). You didn't go get your hair done - so I grew mine long & straight and cut it myself. There was only one kind of decent underwear... I truly believed that I had to be as modest as a convent nun to be "decent". I was 43 and seeing my current hubby before I ever bought pretty, sexy lingerie. And he had to HELP me pick things out... because I wouldn't even pick up anything to go try on... I had zippo idea about what would be pretty & sexy... and yes, at 12 I wanted to be a fashion designer. (I do buy clothes now...and know instinctively what works for my body type.)
If I ever remember the word she used to describe my dad (which meant he was so shameful) I'll let y'all know. I half expect my brother to use it. Words are magic keys for me... I have all kinds of memories, old feelings attached to specific words. And whatever this word IS, it's attached to this old nursery rhyme, too:
Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened the birds began to sing,
Oh wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king?
The king was in his counting house counting out his money,
The queen was in the parlour eating bread and honey
The maid was in the garden hanging out the clothes,
When down came a blackbird and pecked off her nose!
Wonder how wrapped up this belief is.... in self-sabotage?
