Starting to Feel

[Ami]

I  shut down my feelings since my early teens. I think I am starting to feel them. I feel an overwhelming sadness like a cloud over me. It is sadness for all the things I endured and had no place to seek refuge.
I pushed down the grief of my NM abusing me and my NF not interfering .I have thousands of memories of my M loving to hurt me, smiling sadistically.
 I became numb and a false self .
 I hope I am getting real. I think so.

[JustKathy]

Hey Ami,

I shut down in my teens too. That's when NM started her games. I suppose that's typical, since that's the age when we develop our individuality, and are likely to start resisting their control.

I've spent most of my life second guessing myself, and some of the hurtful things that M did to me. Some of it was because of bad therapists who didn't believe me, even friends and other family members who didn't believe me. There were times when I would ask myself if it were possible that I may have overreacted, or embellished the story. So I went kind of numb too, because it was coming at me from both sides - M abusing me, and no one believing me. Is that what you mean by a false self? I wasn't being the person I could be because that cloud was always there.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since finding out that my NM is terminally ill. I had been trying very hard to bury all the hurtful things that she did to me, so that I could move forward. The other day, I actually caught myself feeling sorry for her, for being sick, and knowing that she won't see me again (not that she cares, but I can't help having those feelings). Anyway, my M has always used letters to lay guilt on me. Covert letters, never mailed, but slipped into birthday cards and Christmas gifts. I kept them all in a box. I showed them to my therapist at the time, then put them away. Well, I started re-reading some of them, and I actually think it did me some good. At the time I received those letters, I was SO hurt by them that all I could do was cry. Now I am able to read those letters analytically, and see word-for-word the N pattern in them. Those letters are cold hard proof that SHE IS SICK, and I'M OKAY.

I guess what I'm saying, in a roundabout way, is that there are times when it may be okay to have the bad memories, because the memories validate that it really did happen. Validating it may be more important to me than to others, because I was never believed by anyone. I don't know. It's sort of a double-edged sword. I want to wipe my brain clean and forget that she ever walked this earth, but at the same time, if I stop feeling the hurt I may make the mistake of forgiving her, and I can't allow myself to do that. I've been able to forgive a lot of people in my life, but I can't forgive my NM. She didn't just make a mistake - she set out to destroy my very soul and spent years working at breaking me. That one is too big for me to forgive.

I'm going off on a tangent here, probably because I'm stuck in my own world of confusion right now. I hope I'm making some sense in saying that getting real may mean, yes, let go of the cloud of sadness, but let some of the bad memories be educational tools. Let them help you understand that your M had a very real clinical disorder, and use that knowledge to your advantage. As they say, "Knowledge is Power." Just speaking for myself, my entire perspective changed once I finally heard the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Once I had that knowledge, I could research it, and understand it. I found this group. I found people who actually believe me. If I had stayed under that cloud, I would never have gotten the help I needed. I think it's okay, actually human to feel sad over the years we lost. But you can still feel the sadness without that cloud hovering over you and suffocating you. I hope that made sense. I'm in such a weird place myself, and sometimes the words don't come out right.

Kathy

[Ami]

Dear Kathy
 That made SOOOO much sense! It touched me in a deep place. Thank you so much for sharing. I will write more later when I have had time to read and digest what you have said more completely. I am so glad you are here, Kathy!     Love   Ami

[Ami]

 I have SO much sadness inside about my life. I do Yoga every morning and it releases emotions. The sadness of my life can be like a cloud that covers me.
 My M was the worst even though the rest was not too swift,either. The continual assaults by an NM with her selfishness was like being in a war with bullets raining down.
 The sadness is not as scary as it used to be. I want to be able to feel what I am feeling and whatever it is is better than numb.       Ami

[Gabben]

Let them help you understand that your M had a very real clinical disorder, and use that knowledge to your advantage. As they say, "Knowledge is Power." Just speaking for myself, my entire perspective changed once I finally heard the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Once I had that knowledge, I could research it, and understand it. I found this group. I found people who actually believe me.

Hi Kathy,

This was easy for me to relate to. My mom is a huge N but it took years for me to understand what NPD was really about, even long after I had read books by Judith Viorst and others who took on the subject; it seemed that the word did not come into full play in my world of healing until my wounds were triggered by a very N therapist that did  a lot of damage but all good in the end that it really helped me to heal and cleanse out the old anger, sadness and suppressed rage that I had from a NM upbringing.

I liked that you spoke about forgiveness. Just this evening, as I was cooking dinner, I was feeling that deep sadness as well as a tremendous about of compassion for my mom. It may seem strange but I think that deep down my mom has a good heart but at you said she just has a clinical disorder. Sometimes I think about how would my mom feel if she knew that I was even writing that about her now...it hurts. For me that empathy for my Nmom is a sign of healing on my part from the years of depression, sadness and anxiety that an NM upbringing leaves us with to deal with as adults; my anger and rage, as an adult was so painful, my bitterness was so painful, healing those wounds has taken up so much of my life. Despite those painful memories of healing painful memories I have finally come to a place of peace around my mom, again, not to say that the wounds will not surface again, but at least today I am experiencing a deeper sense of peace and forgiveness for her then I had ever felt.

As far as feeling forgiveness for the N therapist I have a ways to go still to process the pain, that saying time heals all wounds. If it were not for the N therapist in my life I would have never started researching NPD or have learned so much about disorders, evil and Narcissism; it really shocked my naive world and even that is a wound that takes time to get over. There really are varying degrees of Narcissism but worst cases terrify me because somehow I feel that those cases are the ones that can do the most damage as the N's are the most in disguise.

Lise

[Ami]

Last night, I cried myself to sleep wishing for a M.I woke up better. I HAVE to have the adult part more functional. I am becoming part of a "group" as I said. This is new for me and  enlightening about human nature.
 I got really "off" all the years of trying to make my NM and NH "normal".Part of them being "normal" was *I* was the incompetent, crazy one.The N's wanted me there and I went there in order to belong to a family.
 I really am starting from 14 ,emotionally,in many ways and learning HOW to function as a person and with others.
 I know how to be an approval seeking person with no sense of self. I don't mean that. I CAN function that way. I mean being a strong ,confident,independent person. I have not had that since my last group in junior high.
      Ami

[Hopalong]

I feel that those cases are the ones that can do the most damage as the N's are the most in disguise.

Me too. The change I see is that I detect them faster, and when I don't detect them fast enough and am hurt anyway, I heal faster, because once I realize I'm dealing with NPD (again), I have a body of knowledge to return to in my mind that helps insulate me.

I don't think anyone can avoid all Ns all the time.

But it does feel good the more I identify them and the less excited I feel about it.

As awful as it is, narcissism is epidemic, so I may as well get used to them and avoid getting entangled the same way I would if I saw a combative drunk on a sidewalk.

Hops