One last huge thing, to add to the checklist.
Twiggy's been pretty active lately... trying to get me to "see" the meaning in what she's saying... to take the pieces of the puzzle of what happened, arrange them correctly, to be able to get the whole picture. All of the recent discussions about smoking and people's contributions have been percolating... suggesting that I was still "not getting it". Lise gave me a HUGE clue, that when combined with my last conversation with my T, helped me tease out some of the riddles she left me with. Lise mentioned introjects: the "mom in my head"...
I've had this obsession with smoking... a belief that I'd be "there", when I was finally able to quit. Well, in some ways that's accurate, but it's also wrong (and unfair) because it's premised on the idea that there is only an emotional reason for smoking and that I don't need to take into consideration all the "normal" things that go along with this addiction. Addiction, being the key word, for me.
I've known for awhile that smoking = safety in my lizard brain; the limbic system. Any attempts or plans to attempt a quit usually trigger a huge fear/resistance response that either sabotage even getting started or keep the duration of the quit extremely short; a few days usually. I was finally just about to concede that maybe Twiggy just wasn't ready yet and I'd wait until she was, while working on limits, when we starting talking about this and Lise mentioned smoking to be safe from introjects... which for me, include projective intrusions, enmeshed boundaries; more accurately a complete lack of boundaries with my mom... and the stigma of "going/being crazy" because even back then... I knew there was a real me and then this false self or role... call it what you will, it WAS my mother who like a vampire targeted me to do/be this for her.
It finally dawned on me, that I'd started smoking about the time she upped this campaign to turn me against my dad. I was smoking - albeit very, very little - before the shit hit the fan. All the traumatic stuff is completely irrelevant to why I smoke... except for the issue of "safety" which triggered all the infant attachment issues and brought dissociation, long after the trauma I experienced. My T had mentioned that it seemed like I was seeking the "archetypal mother". Boy was she ever right! I just didn't understand what she meant at the time. She also asked me, what it would take to prove to the part of me that is fearful and resists, that I would be safe without smoking. Been chewing on that one quite a while. And when I explained that the fear was "going crazy", she began talking about not allowing rationalizations to have any space or validity in my decision to smoke or not. That if I wanted to smoke, smoke. If I didn't - then just don't. There doesn't have to be a REASON for the decision.
The pieces have finally fallen into place. The archetypal mother is a two-faced goddess, like Kali in Hinduism. She is the giver of life, nurturance, and all things safe and comfortable. Her other side is the one we're all more familiar with - an evil, vindictive vampire who takes over our real self, who won't hesitate to kill her offspring if it serves the purpose at hand. Over & over, I've referred to smoking as a magic talisman or amulet to ward off.... the evil mom. I've been missing the whole point up till now... that it's the mom in my head I've been trying to remain safe from... trying to find a way to establish a real boundary between me and her. Trying too hard, again.
The way I prove that I can be safe - sans smoking - is to acknowledge that I am able to create and maintain boundaries - especially with my mother & brother and even in my feelings and thoughts. Once again, I've been doing this successfully for some time now. Furthermore, an idea occurred to me. I was so confused by these intrusions from my mother that when I was offered the suggestion of escaping the unbearable pain - that I put it all in the box - I made a mistake. When I wasn't "all better" after that session with my "witch doctor"... that is when Mother exiled me; shunned me; until I could "stop being that way". I've known since the beginning of this work, that I made a mental error of monumental proportions in that black hole phase. I put myself in the box... since that is what mother commanded... instead of her projected intrusions. Admitting that and apologizing to Twiggy is essential... even in the face of a stepped-up campaign on my mothers' part to take absolute control. It was an honest mistake, as confused as I was. But along with Twiggy - went all the WHYs - including why & how I thought smoking could help me be safe. I was more addicted to being safe at the time, than I was nicotine, but in my "magical thinking" - the grief and pain - these were one and the same for me. Only that twin addiction survived that self-betrayal of putting Twiggy in the box.
Well, the recent necessity of having to interact with my brother and to a lesser degree, my mother, was entered into with a lot of trepidation. Justified, I found out because it's been a real study in boundaries for me. The risks are big - but I've been able to take them without too much return to old FOO-patterns; there has been some. The important boundaries have had to be maintained - and have been. I've learned enough and have mastered just enough about boundaries - to realistically believe that I can now be "safe". Boundaries can replace smoking as a means of staying safe.
So, that leaves just the fear of "going crazy" without smoking. That is just plain & simple, an evil rationalization that uses the horrible confusion of the boundariless, enmeshed state of mind I experienced then, to support the "want" for the next cigarette. The horrible black hole and not being able to find just "me" in all that mess. I have not been able to reproduce that state... and I did try. LSD doesn't even come close, though there are similarities. In the tech world, if you can't reproduce a problem it's considered a fluke; an anomaly. Things "happen" when a specific set of circumstances exist and may happen so quickly or subtly that one doesn't notice. Unless you can reproduce the behavior in the software - no problem with the software may exist. Just because it happened once - in that particular, specific set of circumstances - doesn't mean it will happen again. And while you may be able to devote your life to determining exactly what that set of circumstances were... usually there's another real, solvable problem that needs to be addressed and it's not worth solving the mystery. I used to simply remember what I knew of the problem and keep my eyes open for another occurance. In 40 years... there hasn't been another occurance of the "black hole"... not even one I could induce. It's highly unlikely that the particular set of circumstances I experienced then, will re-occur.
This rationalization is simply nicotine addiction using my knowledge of the abuse I suffered to keep me smoking; it tells me the lie that I need to smoke, to stay safe - from the mother in my head and from her "craziness". That's all just old stuff that doesn't apply anymore. Rationalizations are just the politically correct name for excuses for doing things that we know are wrong or bad; false explanations that lay blame, invoke shame, and absolve us of responsibility to ourselves or others. A rationalization tries to make something "OK" that really isn't. (Ironic, eh?)
So at the end of all this process - that uncovered SO much that I was denying, forgetting, repressing - all interwoven into a single cloth with smoking addiction - all that's left to do, is face the addiction sans rationalizations and just tell it "no". Twiggy is satisfied now, that I understand the why for smoking. Sort of the epilogue to her story. And now, I'm just like any other smoker - who doesn't have all that "baggage" attached to the habit. And the process of quitting will prove that I can be - am - safe with my replacement skills... that Twiggy knew nothing about back then. She won't resist the next plan... and the simple technique of checking the "want to/don't want to" smoke holds the promise of finally releasing the old "safety" defense mechanisms, too.
And JUST IN TIME, I might add. Within the next 2 weeks, my life is about to enter a brand-new phase and I really, really, really, really don't want to take smoking with me, into that phase. We complete the transfer of ownership of the business and begin receiving the income - go to the beach end of September - and start looking at buying property and moving... both hubby & I will be retired... with all the time in the world to play and figure out what makes us happy. Smoking = baggage from abuse... and I want to leave both behind when we move.
AFT, as my hubby would say. Wheeeeeee!
